


That's Not My Name

by cuteandtwisted



Series: In Every Universe [3]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Even is magic, Even makes Isak do the most hipster things, Isak just wants to be happy, M/M, New York City, One Night Stand AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-20 13:18:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 61,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9493202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuteandtwisted/pseuds/cuteandtwisted
Summary: “Isak.” Even smiled, then licked his lips. “Wanna go back to my place?”-aka: Isak is an exchange student in new york city where he meets a very forward and bewitching Even.Or: The one-night stand AU some of you asked for.





	1. Bech Næsheim

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [That's Not My Name](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12252384) by [Htuiba](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Htuiba/pseuds/Htuiba)



> Okay. So I'm back? Kind of? I don't know? Hope you like this? Help?

**East Village, Manhattan - January**

_“Isak.” Even smiled, then licked his lips. “Wanna go back to my place?”_

.

It was cold outside, cold and bitter and dark. Isak was wearing his favorite Nike jacket, a scarf that didn’t match, and a reversed snapback.

“Aren’t you cold?” asked Kelly, the girl he was practically forced into going out with.

“No, I’m fine,” he replied in English, trying to hide the fact that he had a runny nose.

They were at Webster Hall, a nightclub and concert venue in East 11th Street, in the Studio downstairs for a ‘Crywolf’ concert.

Isak had no idea who Crywolf was. He just thought it sounded pompous. _I hate this hipster shit._

_._

He had only been to Webster Hall one other time for a college club night with other kids under 21 from Columbia, and he had hated it.

He hated the fact that they made him wear different color bracelets and that everybody could tell he was under 21. He hated the mainstream music blasting from all corners. And most of all he hated the girls who would just appear out of nowhere and grind against him.

“Isak, dude, are you fucking gay or what? Get on that shit,” said Markus, an obnoxious german exchange student he met during orientation a few days prior.

_Yes, Markus. I am in fact very fucking gay. Fuck you very much._

Isak left before everyone that night. He took the first Q train from Union Square then switched to the 1 line in Times Square. When he got off at 125 St an eternity later, he stood in the cold until his cheeks felt like they were being slapped. He then walked home, curled up in his twin bed, and slept. Cold, lonely, and alone.

_I should just go back to fucking Oslo._

.

_When Isak announced to his friends in Oslo that he was going to Columbia University in New York City for a year, they were all slightly taken aback._

_“Bro, that’s awesome. But where is this coming from?” said Jonas, who could always tell when things weren’t right._

_“I saw a poster and I applied. It’s a great school, Jonas,” Isak replied._

_“I know it’s a great school, what the fuck. But a year? Is your mother okay with this? And how are you going to pay for this?”_

_“Listen, Jonas. My mother doesn’t have to be okay with this. I barely see her. Besides, it’s a fellowship, so I’m actually getting paid to go. I’ll get monthly stipends and stuff.”_

_“Still, New York is expensive,” Jonas said._

_“I know that. I’ll work part-time. I don’t know. I’ll figure it out.”_

.

Isak figured it out. He ended up working at the school bookstore for 20 hours a week, the maximum his visa allowed. It didn’t pay much but it was okay.

Isak was okay, really. His decision to essentially flee the country and run to the other side of the globe wasn’t at all a rash one. No, this was a great learning opportunity. Isak was going to be happy, reinvent himself, and feel good in his skin.

Except, he didn’t. He had this big fantasy about how he was going to just come out, and fall in love, and feel good about who he was. But as soon as he started talking to the other exchange and visiting students during orientation, his walls started going up again.

So when Markus asked him if he had seen any hot girls around, Isak replied with ‘Yeah bro, New York girls are so fucking hot’.

_Wow so much for reinventing yourself. Fuck you, Isak._

So Markus kept shoving girls in his arms and sharing his phone number with all these ‘American chicks’ who found Isak tall and dreamy. Kelly was one of them.

.

Isak installed Grindr during his first week in New York. After the initial shock, he became used to receiving the nastiest messages on his phone. And after a few days, he started sending some back himself. He agreed to meet up with this guy who looked like he was in his twenties at a Starbucks near Herald Square. After waiting for thirty minutes, he realized that he was in the wrong one.

When he finally recognized the guy sitting in one of the tables, his heart started beating very fast in his chest, so he fled.

_Fuck. Fuck._

.

_Isak didn’t remember his first time. It was in Oslo during his third year in High School. He had wandered into a gay bar after ditching the boys at a party. He was so drunk, he couldn’t even say his own name. The guy was barely taller than him but his arms were strong, and he roughly shoved Isak’s face against the wall. “Stop whining,” he said into his ear._

_Isak hated all of it. And when it was over, he called Eskild to pick him up._

_“What the fuck, Isak? Who did this did to you?” he yelled._

_Isak was an unintelligible mess, so Eskild ran a hand in his hair while he cried in the cab._

_The next day, he confronted him about it because “Whoever left these bruises on you needs to be fucking quarantined.”_

_And when Isak told him he couldn’t remember, Eskild said “Don’t sleep with someone without knowing their last name.”_

_“I don’t even know his first name,” said Isak._

_“Exactly.”_

.

On the third try, Isak managed to face his Grindr date. They met at a Dig Inn around Midtown and talked for an hour. He was older, in his thirties. Not exactly handsome, but he had a warm gaze.

_He won’t hurt me._

The man took him back to his apartment in the Upper East Side, squeezed his thigh during the entire Uber ride, and kissed him hungrily the moment they got to the door.

“You’re so perfect,” said the man.

Isak didn’t say anything. He just took what he was there for, even if it didn’t make him feel much. The man’s gaze was warm, but he quickly became aggressive, shoving Isak’s head into the mattress, and calling him 'a twink'.

_Fuck this._

When he stepped on a toy on his way out, he realized that it was a two-bedroom apartment and that all the pictures showed a man, his wife, and a little kid.

_Fucking shit. Maybe don't trust a guy who refuses to tell you his last name next time._

.

Isak was sitting in his room in Harlem when he got a message from Kelly.

‘Hi Isak. I have tickets to Crywolf and nobody wants to go with me :((((((( HELP‘

Kelly was a freshman at Columbia. She was nice, with brown hair, green eyes, and a warm smile. Isak couldn’t stand the way she talked, but he knew that she had a ‘crush’ on him. She constantly felt the need to remind him that he was ‘so tall’ while linking their arms together. He had ditched her multiple times, and he was feeling so lonely that he decided to join her for this _damn_ Crywolf concert.

“Aren’t you cold?” said Kelly.

“No, I’m fine,” Isak replied.

The music was overwhelming. It wasn’t Isak’s style at all, but the bass reverberated through his chest and the lyrics were getting to his head.

_“I need a miracle now_

_And I’m not spiritual”_

It was a cozy and dark venue but you could still see people’s faces if you stared hard enough. There couldn’t have been more than 200 hundred people in the crowd. There was a bar next to the stage, and Isak desperately needed a drink just to numb the feeling of Kelly’s hand around his forearm. But the bracelet around his wrist was a reminder that he couldn’t get one.

He scanned the room for faces. _Is everyone as empty as me here?_

_“Give me something to think about_

_That’s not the shit in my head”_

His eyes stopped on a neon yellow headband, then went lower to look into the eyes of its beholder.

_Wow._

He was tall, taller than Isak probably. He was wearing a white t-shirt and holding a denim jacket over his shoulder between his thumb and index finger. His blond hair was ridiculously styled, his lips were big and full, and a cigarette was propped behind his ear.

His free hand was placed on the stomach of the girl grinding against him. And most importantly, he was staring right back.

_“I know it’s chemicals that make me cling to you, cling to you”_

Isak held his gaze for a moment.

_“I said you’re a miracle._

_A miracle.”_

He then got flustered and looked away, then back at Kelly.

“Are you okay, Isak?” she asked.

“Uh, yeah. Uhm. I’m just gonna use the bathroom for a second,” he replied.

.

Isak made his way to the men’s room in the back of the venue, and sighed.

_What the fuck was that? Shit._

Isak washed his face, then jumped when his phone buzzed. It was Kelly. She wanted to know if he was okay.

“Ugh she’s so fucking clingy and annoying,” he muttered to himself in Norwegian.

“That’s not very nice,” someone replied in English.

_Huh?_

Isak turned around and saw the boy from earlier, standing mere meters away from him, arms crossed, a smile on his face, looking like the sun, probably.

“Uh, what?” Isak asked in English.

“I said it’s not very nice, what you said about that lovely girl,” said the boy.

“What are you talking about?”

“I like your accent,” said the stranger instead.

“I don’t have an accent!” Isak scoffed, although he did have one.

“I never thought I’d meet a fellow Norwegian in the toilets of Webster Hall,” said the boy in Norwegian, smiling and raising his eyebrows.

“You’re Norwegian?” Isak switched the language as well.

“Yup. Oslo, born and raised,” said the boy, taking the cigarette from behind his ear. “Come outside.”

Isak stood there, confused. _Come outside? Where? Why? Who are you?_

For some reason beyond his own understanding, Isak followed the guy outside as he greeted the security guys and said that they were only going to smoke.

The boy then sat on the pavement and Isak sat next to him, leaving some space between them. He had no idea what he was doing.

The boy lit up the cigarette, then offered it to Isak.

“Uh, thanks but I don’t. I don’t smoke,” said Isak. “I mean I don’t smoke cigarettes but I smoke weed sometimes.”

Isak was nervous and oversharing.

“Okay,” said the boy, putting the cigarette back between his lips. “So what is a young boy like you doing here on a Saturday night?”

“I’m not young,” said Isak.

“Well, you can’t be over 20 judging from that bracelet.”

“Uh yeah. You got me there,” replied Isak, his other hand shooting up to hide the bracelet.

The stranger smiled and bumped their shoulders together. Isak was feeling things.

“So how do you know that lovely girl you left inside?” he asked.

“Oh shit, Kelly. Fuck. I don’t know. This dude set us up,” Isak replied honestly.

“Do you like her?” The guy asked while holding his gaze. His eyes were so blue.

Isak was flustered. _What is this? Is he flirting with me?_

“I don’t know. Do you like the girl _you_ were grinding against?” Isak said instead.

“Hmm. Not my type,” replied the stranger.

“Oh yeah, what’s your type then?” Isak teased, then held his breath.

The stranger took another drag, then turned to look into Isak’s eyes.

“You,” said the guy, very simply.

Isak’s breathing hitched. He had absolutely no idea what to say.

_Okay. Okay. This is good. This is really fucking good. Say something._

“Uh well -,” Isak started.

But then Kelly came out the door.

“Isak! There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Are you okay? I was worried,” she said.

_Ugh._

“Oh! Hey. Sorry I just. I was just talking to, Uh..”

“Hi. I’m Even,” said the stranger who now had a name in English, extending his right hand to Kelly. “We ran into each other in the bathroom and got a bit carried away, sorry. We used to go to the same school in Norway. Can you believe it?”

Isak had no idea what this guy was talking about.

“Oh my god, are you Norwegian, too?” said Kelly.

“Yes,” replied Even, with a smile.

“Holy shit, and you just met in the bathroom? That’s so amazing!” she chuckled, then seemed to remember something. “Oh shit, we should go back inside, he’s about to play my favorite song!”

Isak sat there in stupor as Even stood up and offered him a hand.

“Come on, _Isak_. She says it’s her favorite song,” he said.

Isak liked how he said his name the right way.

So he took his hand, ignored the drumming in his chest, and seconds later they were back inside.

.

“I love this song so much,” Kelly yelled over the loud music, gripping Isak’s left arm.

_“Resting on your bones_

_Bowing to your throne”_

Even was standing behind Isak. They weren’t touching but Isak’s stomach was in knots.

_You. My type is you._

The crowd got crazier as the song picked up, and very soon Kelly’s hands left his arm and were thrown in the air, matching the beat.

_“I’m weaker than you know_

_Fading just below”_

When Isak felt Even’s hands on his hips, he jumped and bumped into the person in front of him.

“Sorry,” Isak said.

When Even’s hands gripped him harder and pulled him towards his chest, Isak felt his knees give out.

_Shit shit this is happening._

He let Even manhandle him and melted into his touch, not worrying about Kelly seeing them as she was too busy losing her mind over the song.

_“I’m rising and I’m falling_

_And I’m losing all control.”_

He let his head fall backwards and pushed back against Even’s hips.

So when the taller boy let go of him completely, he lost his balance and almost fell.

“Shit, Isak are you okay?” said Kelly.

“Uh, yeah, just tripped on a cup or something,” said Isak.

_Fuck. What a tease._

Even never touched him again. He stood next to him instead and smiled at Kelly as they sang some of the words together.

.

The concert was over before he knew it, and Even was looking at him with an amused smile on his face.

_Fucking tease. Are you one of those straight assholes that enjoy doing this to -_

“Isak, I’m going to the bathroom. Wait for me so we can go to campus together!” said Kelly, before leaving them in the dark corner where they were standing.

“Okay,” he replied.

Even was still there, looking at him, studying him.

“Uh, so it was nice bumping into you, Even,” said Isak, not looking at him. “May you bump into more Norwegians in the city.”

Even didn’t reply. He just stepped closer into his personal space.

“Isak.” Even smiled, then licked his lips. “Wanna go back to my place?”

Isak’s mind went blank.

“Uh, what?”

“I said -” Even moved a hand and rested it on Isak’s waist. “Do you wanna go back to my place?”

His breath was hot against Isak's cheek, and a feeling of tightness started spreading around his chest and in his pants.

“I. Uh. I'm. I'm a guy," said Isak.

_What the fuck, Isak._

Even laughed.

"I thought so. I'm a guy, too," he said.

"What?"

"I don't know, I could have been trans."

"What?" Isak's vocabulary was suddenly very limited.

"Are you transphobic, Isak?" said Even, suddenly very serious.

"What? No!"

"Good. Good," said Even, his smile back on his face. "So, will you?"

"Will I what?"

"Go back to my place. Your friend will be back soon. We don't have much time," Even smiled then ran a warm hand against his cheek.

Isak was lost. He virtually knew nothing about this boy who was trying to lure him into bed besides the fact that he was Norwegian, hot as hell, and good with words.

_He could be a serial killer. He could be like dangerous and stuff. Look how he lied to Kelly. SHIT Isak. STOP._

"Yeah. Okay," Isak said, his lips parting slightly.

"Yeah?" Even's eyes lit up, his right hand still on Isak's face.

"Yes, yes. But, but I have a question," Isak breathed.

"I'm all ears." Even's thumb was ghosting over his lower lip, and his eyes were roaming his face.

Isak looked at him long and hard, then thought about every single time he ended up walking home at the strangest hours, sore and hurt and alone.

"What's. What's your last name?" Isak finally said, his chest heaving.

Even looked at him for a few seconds, then tightened his grip on his waist.

"Bech Næsheim. Even Bech Næsheim."


	2. Chris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one-night stand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awww thank you so much for the amazing feedback the first chapter got! WOW you guys are AMAZING <3333\. Hope you enjoy this.  
> This is steamier and a tiny bit darker than what I've written so far. But the core dynamic (freaking epic cosmic love) between them is still there.

**Williamsburg, Brooklyn. January.**

_“Uh, so what are we gonna do at your place?”_

_“Play scrabble. What do you think? We’re gonna fuck,” Even said with a smile too pure, it didn’t fit the words he was saying at all. “We’re gonna fuck all night, Isak.”_

.

“Bech Næsheim. Even Bech Næsheim."

“Uh, okay. Cool,” said Isak, suddenly relaxing under his grip.

“Yeah? Okay. Let’s go.”

Even took his hand and dragged him outside. Isak didn’t know why they were running, but it was nice. It was nice running along St. Mark’s Place in the cold winter after midnight, jumping on top of plants and dogs, and nearly falling six times.

Isak had no idea what kind of mess he was getting himself into. But his heart was beating so hard in his chest, holding hands with this boy he had barely met. He felt so alive. _Why do I feel like I’ve known you my whole life?_

Even, who was leading the way, looked back at him every few moments and smiled wide, so wide. Isak smiled back, then ran faster so that they were side by side.

“Even. Why, why are we running?” said Isak, out of breath.

“We’re running because we can, Isak. Because we’re young and because we can!”

Isak didn’t understand but he kept running. They got to a red light and stopped. Isak bent over and held his knee with his free hand, and Even laughed.

“You’re new to the city aren’t you? Look at you all out of breath after running for a few blocks,” said Even with a teasing tone.

Isak scoffed. “What?! How dare you? I’m the master of running.”

Even laughed again. “Ugh, you’re so cute,” he said.

“Shut up.” Isak shoved him.

“We have 45 seconds before we can cross,” said Even. “Text your friend. Don’t leave her hanging. That’s not very nice.”

Isak suddenly remembered Kelly. He wouldn’t have bothered normally, but he still did as Even said.

Soon, the lights changed and they were running again before Isak could blush.

“Where are we going?”

“Union Square Station. We’re taking the L train,” said Even.

“The L train? Don’t tell me you live in freaking -”

“I live in Williamsburg, yes,” Even confirmed with a grin.

“What the fuck? Of course, you do,” said Isak, lamenting.

“What? What do you mean of course I do?” Even stopped and looked at him, amused.

“You’re like the typical hipster, aren’t you? Wow. I can’t believe I’m going home with you,” Isak teased.

Even laughed then shoved him against a Walgreens’ window.

“I can’t believe you’re going home with me either,” he whispered into his ear, raised his eyebrows, then left his personal space altogether.

_Okay, this guy had lots of game._

Isak followed him. Of course he did. He struggled to swipe his metro card, and Even looked at him from the other side of the turnstile with amusement.

“Hmm. So are you going to admit you’re new to the city or what?” said Even.

“Ugh. Shush.”

“Or perhaps you’re nervous?” Even teased again.

Isak was going to respond with something snarky, but then the swipe worked and he was suddenly standing in the taller boy’s face. He quickly looked down.

“I’m not nervous,” Isak mumbled.

“Good. You shouldn’t be,” Even smiled. “I don’t bite. Unless you want me to of course.”

Isak’s face flushed and Even laughed again.

_Holy shit. What is this._

Their train was surprisingly empty. Isak never took the L train but he heard crazy stories about how crowded it could get.

Still, Even didn’t sit down, so Isak didn’t either. They stood by the door, Isak’s back against it and Even towering over him and keeping a hand on the glass.

“Which station?”  
“Bedford,” said Even.

“Okay.”

Suddenly Isak wasn’t so sure. He started panicking. What was he doing with this guy he knew nothing about? At least with the Grindr guys, he would spend days talking to them and warming up to the idea of meeting them. Even seemed too perfect, yet something seemed off about him. Isak couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but he felt like the whole thing was a prank or a misunderstanding. So he asked.

“Uh. So what are we gonna do at your place?”

“Play scrabble. What do you think? We’re gonna fuck,” Even said with a smile too pure, it didn’t fit the words he was saying at all. “We’re gonna fuck all night, Isak.”

_Wow can you be any more forward._  

Isak’s heart started beating hard and fast in his chest. For a moment, he worried about what the few people in the train thought, but then he remembered that they were speaking Norwegian.

_Shit, what did I sign up for._

Even could somehow feel the tension in his body, because his smile faded very quickly and his hand was suddenly cupping his left cheek.

“Hey. I didn’t mean -. Uh,” Even stopped as if he remembered something. “Isak, have you done this before?”

“Uh, yeah of course. I was just a bit startled, really.” It was true but Isak was still nervous. He had never been picked up by a stranger like that.

“Okay. Sorry,” Even said, then stroked his cheek.

_Why are you sorry. Why are you -_

But Even’s hand felt so good against his cold cheek, so soft and tender, that he leaned into it instead, not saying a word.

They just stared into each other for a while.

“Isak.”

“Hm?”

“I’m going to kiss you now,” said Even.

“Okay.”

Isak was glad the doors opened on the other side of the train when they reached 3rd Avenue, because his back was now firmly pressed against the door, and Even had just pressed their lips together.

It was electric and Isak couldn’t help but shiver at the contact. It was a hesitant kiss at first, just lips softly touching, with barely any pressure. Even kissed him like he wasn’t sure how to kiss him. So Isak pulled him closer by gripping the sides of his Denim jacket, and Even happily obliged, deepening the kiss and making him part his lips a bit more. He stroked his jaw the entire time, and kissed him so deep that Isak’s toes curled in his shoes.

Isak would have normally felt self-conscious about making out with a boy on the subway. But he couldn’t care less at that moment, not when the boy looked like that and was pushing his tongue into his mouth and threading his fingers in his hair.

_Wow shit, yes._

So Isak pushed his hips against Even’s and pushed his tongue against his. When they got to 1st Avenue, the train made a sudden stop, forcing them apart. Isak wavered a bit, and Even held him in place by moving his hands to his hips.

He smiled at him softly, and Isak chuckled. Even ran a hand across his cheek, licked his lips, then he kissed him again, with more hunger this time as people rushed in and out of the train. Isak was glad there were more people in the car now, though most of them were drunk and yelling, because he was probably panting against Even’s mouth. Even whose hands were now wrapped around his waist. So Isak moved his arms and threw them over Even’s neck, pulling him closer.

It was a mess. It was all tongue and teeth, and Isak’s head was already spinning with lust.

_Shit._

“Get a fucking room, and don’t lean on subway doors!” yelled a girl with Fjallraven Kanken backpack sitting on her legs.

Even pulled back, laughed, and mumbled a sorry in English.

Isak was still panting against the door. _Wow._

“Wow,” said Even. “I got a bit carried away, but shit. That was amazing.”

Isak had no words, so he kissed him again, just a peck this time as their train made it to the Bedford Avenue station.

“Come on,” said Even, dragging him by the hand again.

They ran through the station, then across the stairs. And as soon as they made it outside, Even pressed him against a wall again and kissed him some more.

_Wow. This is so fucking amazing._

They made out until Isak physically couldn’t help but reach down Even’s pants.

“Wow easy, baby. Don’t want to get in trouble with the NYPD,” said Even.

“What?”

“They’re weird here. Let’s get you to a bed.”

.

Even’s apartment was cozy. It was eight minutes away from the station by foot, twenty five if they stopped every two blocks to kiss some more. Isak couldn’t see very clearly but it looked like at least three other people lived in that apartment. Even’s room wasn’t too big, but he had a queen sized bed, a big window with a massive sill on which one could sit, and drawings all over the wall. He liked it.

“So what do we do now?” said Isak.

“Now, we take care of you first,” said Even, as he pushed him against his desk, unbuckled Isak’s belt, and dropped to his knees.

Isak made the most embarrassing sounds while he buried his hands in Even’s hair. _What a sight. Wow. Wow. Yes._

But Even didn’t care. And when he was done, with Isak panting against his Game of Thrones collection, he grabbed him gently and moved him to the bed.

Isak reached out to wrap his arms around Even’s neck, and they kissed some more.

_This is great. Fuck. Yes. Thank you Kelly._

When his chest was done heaving, Isak flipped them around and climbed on top of Even.

“Your turn,” Isak said.

“Ugh, yes please.”

.

When they got each other off, Even got up to look for something in his drawers. Isak panicked for a moment. _What the hell is he getting._

“Found it!” said Even.

“What?”

Joints.

.

They sat on the window sill, passing joints back and forth between them, Even completely naked and Isak holding a pillow to hide his bruises.

“So what’s your story?” Even asked.

“Hm?”

“What are you doing in New York?”

“Uh. I go to Columbia,” said Isak.

“Columbia? Wow, fancy. So you’re like rich and smart?”

“What? No, I’m not rich. I’m on the fulbright fellowship,” said Isak.

“Wow, so you’re like a nerd? I couldn’t tell from what you did earlier,” Even teased.

“Shut up,” Isak blushed. “I’m only here for a year. Got here three weeks ago.”

“So you’re doing like an exchange thing?”

“Yes. I go to UiO normally.”

“I see. So you’re twenty?” Even asked.

“Do you ask all the people you drag back here this many questions?” said Isak.

“Only the ones I like,” Even replied.

Isak blushed and Even smiled.

“Uh. What about you?” said Isak.

“Uhm. I’m 22. Masters in film at NYU. Only a year left,” said Even.

“Oh film, wow cool. So you’re two years older than me,” said Isak. “Wait, NYU is expensive as shit and you live in Williamsburg. Are _you_ rich?”

“No, on fellowship, too. Won a competition,” said Even. “And I do jobs on the side.”

“What kind of jobs?”

“Hmm. That, I don’t reveal too easily,” said Even.

“Not even to the ones you like?” Isak was on a roll.

Even laughed, then leaned in and kissed him.

“Did I mention that you’re cute?” he said.

“Yes, several times actually,” Isak said against his lips.

Even pulled him slightly onto his lap, then played with his hair.

“Hmm, Isak,” said Even.

“Yeah?”

“I want to fuck you. Can I do that?”

Isak’s head was spinning again.

“Uh, yes. Yes, you can,” he said.

.

Isak half expected Even to turn into something ugly and got mentally ready to flee, briefly making note of where all his stuff was bundled on top of a chair.

_I’m not leaving my Nike jacket behind._

But Even was gentle. He was gentle and tender, and it took Isak off guard, Isak who was so used to being called names and being left with bruises all over his body.

When Even kissed down his stomach and noticed the bruises on his waist, he frowned.

“Who did this to you?” he whispered.

“Nobody I can remember,” said Isak.

“Okay.”

He kissed his skin softly, then settled between his legs and started kissing his thighs.

Isak shivered. _What the fuck._

“What are you doing?” Isak asked.

“I’m kissing your body. You’re so beautiful,” said Even.

Isak’s face flushed, so he threw his head backwards into the pillow and closed his eyes. _Shit this guy is going to kill me._

“Tell me to stop if you feel uncomfortable.”

“Okay,” managed Isak.

He never told him to stop, and by the time Even had kissed every inch of his body and soothed and got him ready, Isak was a mess beneath him.

“Please, please, please,” Isak begged.

“Okay, okay,” said Even, stroking his face.

Isak flipped around in bed and lay on his stomach, his face between the pillows, his usual spot.

When Even’s hands grabbed and turned him back around on his back, he stared at him with wide eyes.

“Wha-”

“Baby, what are you doing?” Even asked. “Shit. Just who. Who has been doing this to you?”

Isak blinked a few times before realizing he probably had bruises on his back as well. _Fuck._

“Shit. I’m fine, Even. Really. Don’t get weird on me,” said Isak.

_Why the hell do you care._

“Okay. Okay. But let me take care of you, yeah?”

“Okay.”

And take care of him he did.

Even was incredibly tender at first, pushing into him as gently as possible, making sure he was okay, running his hands through his hair, asking if he was alright, kissing his neck. Isak was flustered and confused. But he ignored the warm feeling in the pit of his stomach, and took all of it.

Then Even reached down, looked into his eyes, wiped his tears, and kissed him.

_What is this. What is happening._

Isak panicked and bit Even’s lower lip instead, desperately pushing back against him, demanding more. So Even’s kisses got hungrier and his hands gripped him harder, just the right amount. Even pushed and took and moaned and dominated the exact way Isak craved to be dominated. He was gentle but strong. Firm but tender. Isak was a mess in his arms, gripping the sheets, then his hair, then anything his hands could find.

“Fucking hell, you feel so good,” Isak moaned, face flushed.

“Shit, baby. Look at you,” Even whispered against his skin. “So beautiful.”

Isak gripped his shoulders, hugged him closer to his chest, and got lost in this boy he knew nothing about. He moaned and said things he never thought he would say. He used all the comparatives he could think of: _harder, faster, deeper_. He just asked for more, and dug his fingers into Even’s skin.

“Yes,” Isak moaned.

“Say my name,” said Even.

“What.”

“Say my name, baby.”

“Fuck, Even. Shit. Yes-” Isak slipped further and further into oblivion, with Even sinking into him, and him gripping as hard as he could.

.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” Isak repeated over and over again, his chest still heaving, his head still spinning with nothing but lust.

“WOW,” said Even. “That was. Wow. Thank _YOU._ I missed having sex in Norwegian.”

“Shut up, what the fuck,” Isak turned on his side and hid his face in the pillow.

“What? You’re gonna go all shy on me after that dirty talk you just said to my face?” Even teased.

“Ugh, shut up.”

Even turned him around and looked into his eyes, a hand caressing his cheek.

“You’re amazing,” he said.

“So are you.”

“Don’t let anyone hurt you again, okay? Bruises aren’t okay.”

“Uh, okay.”

“Good boy,” said Even, before placing a kiss on his forehead.

Isak blushed then sat up on the bed and started locating his things. But Even quickly pulled him back into his arms.

“What are you doing?” Isak asked.

“I’m holding you. Stay a bit more, yeah? I miss speaking Norwegian like this.”

Isak melted a bit.

“Okay.”

He let Even hold him and soon they were spooning.

“Which high school did you go to?” Even asked.

“Nissen. You?”

“Bakka. Almost transferred to Nissen in 3rd year though.”

“Bakka? Pfft. Of course,” said Isak.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“You’re the most cliche Oslo hipster I’ve ever met. So predictable,” Isak teased.

“Yeah?”

Even rolled them around so that he was on top of him. Then he kissed him very roughly.

“Did you predict that huh?” said Even.

“Not fair.” Isak pouted.

“You’re so cute. Round 2?”

.

It turned out that Even wasn’t joking when he said all night. By 4 in the morning, Isak was falling asleep against his chest, sore all over. But the taller boy still somehow had energy, sucking on his neck. When he woke up an hour later, Even was on top of him, kissing the bruises around his sides and his waist. Isak’s heart sank, and he could feel butterflies down his stomach.

_Shit._

“Stop that,” Isak mumbled, opening his arms.

“Okay,” said Even before sinking into his touch.

They hugged and snuggled, with Even kissing his neck and playing with his hair until Isak fell asleep again into the crook of his neck.

.

At 7 in the morning, Isak was woken up by an alarm, his own alarm.

_Shit. Where am I?_

Even was perched on top of the window sill, still very much naked, spaced out and looking outside.

_Did he sleep at all?_

“Good morning!” said Isak.

“Oh hey, you’re up,” said Even.

“Yeah my alarm just rang,” said Isak.

“Really? Didn’t hear it.”

_What the hell._

“Uh, yeah. So I’m gonna go. It’s gonna take me at least an hour to get back to harlem,” Isak said hesitantly.

“Yeah trains can be a pain in the ass on Sundays,” said Even, still looking out the window.

“Uh, okay.”

Isak stood up, then dressed up really quickly, slightly annoyed with himself for feeling disappointed.

_This is just a one-night thing, whatever. Be cool._

Even never looked in his direction and Isak felt a bit hurt. When Isak was done, he stood awkwardly by the door.

And when Even still wouldn’t look at him, he walked towards the window, grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him with a frown on his face.

“Hm. What was that for?” said Even, an undecyphrable expression on his face.

“I’m leaving.”

“Okay.”

_Okay? What the fuck, asshole._

Isak was about to leave his room, when Even spoke again.

“Hey, Chris. You forgot this.”

He threw the snapback in Isak’s direction.

_Chris? CHRIS? Are you fucking kidding me?_

“See you around, yeah?” said Even, before turning back his attention to the window.

Isak’s blood was boiling in his veins, and he felt tears around his eyes. So he pushed through the door and crossed the apartment in big strides. He opened the front door and lingered for a moment.

He then turned around and headed back towards Even’s room.

The older boy didn’t even notice he was back.

“Hey, you fucking asshole!” Isak shouted.

“Huh?” Even was startled.

“That’s not my fucking name.”

“What?”

“My name is Isak, not fucking Chris,” Isak bit through his tears.

Even just stared at him with a blank face.

“That’s not my name. Okay? The least you could do is remember my fucking name.” Isak was running on two hours of sleep, and he should have probably left minutes earlier.

“Oh, okay. I’m sorry, Isak,” said Even, with wide eyes and shock all over his face.

.

When Isak made it to Bedford Avenue station, he cried silently into his favorite Nike jacket, his snapback correctly placed on his head, hanging low on his face to hide his tears. He never cried after a night gone wrong, not even when he got shoved or choked.

But for some reason, he couldn’t stop.

_Fuck you. How could you touch me like that and then fucking dismiss me._

It hurt. But Isak knew he was going to be fine. He always ended up just fine.

_This is nothing. Just one-night stand. Get your shit together._

.

He thought about Even every day for weeks. He thought about how gentle he was, and how caring and careful. He couldn’t help it. His anger dissolved rather quickly. And as much as he hated to admit it, he just wanted to feel him again.

Kelly never answered his message and she never contacted him again. Isak didn’t really care, but he couldn’t help but worry that she’d tell people that he ran off with a tall, lanky, gorgeous boy and left her alone in the East Village after Midnight.

But days passed and she never said a thing. So he sent her another message, apologizing again, and promising to take her to the movies sometime.

_Maybe I’ll run into him again._

Frustrated by his own behavior, Isak eventually got a fake ID for a hundred bucks and went to a gay bar in Hell’s Kitchen. He dumped the snapback, and wore his nicest shirt and his nicest jacket.

He got approached by a few men, all very polite, most of them not even American. He talked to a Swedish man in his thirties, Alexander, for a good twenty minute and agreed to meet him at the back of the bar.

By the time, he had sucked a bruise into his neck, Isak’s eyes went wide and he shoved his chest hard.

“Wait. Wait,” Isak panted.

“What?”

“What’s your last name?”

“What the fuck?” said the man.

“I said what’s your last name?” Isak repeated.

“Is this a joke? Why do you care?”

“I just do.”

“I’m not telling you my last name, kiddo,” said Alexander.

Isak looked at him hard, feeling his fingers as they dug into his sides. He looked at him and thought about Even.

_“Don’t let anyone hurt you again.”_

_Fuck you. Why am I still thinking about you._

He suddenly shoved the man, and started making his way back into the bar.

“What the hell?!” yelled the man.

“I’m sorry. I’m no longer interested.”

“Wow what a tease!”

Isak was afraid the Swedish hunk would follow him and try to initiate contact again. But he just brushed past him. Isak let out a sigh of relief before Alexander turned around and looked at him.

“Hey. It’s okay to back out. That must have taken a lot of courage, kid. But don’t shove your hand down a man’s pants and leave him hanging next time. Not cool,” said Alexander.

“Uh, okay. I’m. I’m sorry,” said Isak, eyes wide.

Alexander smiled, then ruffled his hair.

“You’re cute. I’m gonna give you my number just in case. I’m here until next week. Call me if you change your mind. Okay?”

“Okay.”

.

Isak took the 1 train home with a warm feeling in his chest. This man was nice. He didn’t try to force him into something he didn’t want, and he gave him his phone number without asking for Isak’s.

Days rolled by, and Isak wasn’t thinking about Even as much. Almost four weeks had passed since their night together, but his heart still clenched when he saw signs for the L train in subway stations.

So Isak focused on Alexander’s phone number instead.

_Just call him. He might be leaving in a few days but it could be nice._

Isak stared at his phone long and hard, reading and re-reading the message he was about to send to the Swedish man.

He suddenly jumped when he got a facebook notification from Markus, and then another one from Kelly.

_Kelly? You’re talking to me now?_

They both tagged him on the same post in the ‘Columbia University Free and for Sale” facebook group.

Isak opened the post, then nearly dropped his phone.

  

 

 

> **Even Bech Næsheim**  
>  _1 hr ago_
> 
> **Hello! I’m not selling anything, but I’m desperate. I’m looking for my one-night stand from a month ago. Prettiest person in the world, goes to Columbia, Norwegian, mindblowing in bed, goes by the name ‘not fucking Chris’. Don’t know the last name though :(.**
> 
> **_I fucked up. I’m sorry. Can we talk? Can’t get you out of my head*._ **
> 
> **Help me guys, thanks.**
> 
> _789 likes, 38 comments_
> 
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *the bit of the post in italics is supposed to be in Norwegian  
> .  
> Uhhhhhh? What did you guys think??  
> .  
> Leave a comment if you felt things?? Why do you think Even called him Chris?  
> What do you think of Isak's need for promiscuity and his fear of being treated badly?  
> .  
> I'm going to do my best to tap into this the right way. As always thank you for your support *-* <33333  
> *hugssss*


	3. Emma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak gets drunk off white wine in new york city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm :x

**Gramercy, Manhattan - March**

_“How could you think for even a second that I forgot your name.”_

.

 

> **Even Bech Næsheim**   
>  _1 hr ago_
> 
> **Hello! I’m not selling anything, but I’m desperate. I’m looking for my one-night stand from a month ago. Prettiest person in the world, goes to Columbia, Norwegian, mindblowing in bed, goes by ‘not fucking Chris’. Don’t know the last name though :(.**
> 
> **_I fucked up. I’m sorry. Can we talk? Can’t get you out of my head*._ **
> 
> **Help me guys, thanks.**
> 
> _789 likes, 38 comments_

_._

Isak’s mind went blank.

_Fuck. What the fuck. Did this fucker just out me. What the fuck._

He quickly clicked on the 38 comments with his heart in his throat.

.

 

> **Markus Müller** **  
> ** **Isak Valtersen** bro look at this poor guy HAHAHA. Do you know who this norwegian chick is? Introduce me!!

.

 

> **Kelly Adler** **  
> ** **Isak Valtersen** …
> 
> _2 likes_

.

The rest of the comments were just people tagging other people, mostly girls, and complaining or laughing.

 

> **_Sarah_ ** _u’re telling people you’re Norwegian now?_
> 
> _Omg i think i found your guy_ **_Lisa_ **
> 
> _do you even go to Columbia? who let you into this group?_
> 
> _Admin???_
> 
> _Fucking hilarious bro_ **_Kevin_ ** _this is what you should do next time_
> 
> _You waited a whole month to look for her wow classy_
> 
> _Admin can you remove this post?_
> 
> _LMFAO_
> 
> _I feel u dude_
> 
> _Dont post about your one-night stand in a public group wtf is wrong with you? What if she doesn’t want people knowing she slept with you??_
> 
> _Ask for her number next time_
> 
> _BAHAHHAHA MADE MY DAY_

.

Isak read every single comment and nothing showed that people realized it was him. Not that people knew who he was at all. He had only met some of the exchange students, and barely interacted with people in his class. Markus seemed clueless as well. Kelly, on the other hand, had figured it out. She probably remembered Even’s name and face.

Isak went back and read the post two or three times. He didn’t notice that it was gender neutral the first time around.

_“They”, “Person”, “Not fucking Chris”._

After reading the post for what seemed like the thousandth time, Isak realized that this message was directly addressed to him. He realized that Even was not requesting people’s help. He wasn’t trying to out him. He just wanted Isak’s attention. He could have dropped his name, but he used ‘not fucking Chris’ instead.

_Still. Fuck you._

.

**Even Bech Næsheim sent you a friend request.**

.

_Shit. Kelly._

Isak went back to the comments and clicked on the likes under Kelly’s comment.

**Markus** **Müller and Even Bech Næsheim like this.**

_Fuck you fuck you fuck you._

He tried replying to Markus and Kelly’s comments with some sort of ‘HAHAHA’, but as soon as he pressed Enter, the post was gone.

Isak was confused for a few seconds before another notification popped up in his messenger.

.

.

Isak stared at the little banner for a while, not daring to open the message. He was nervous and still reeling. His heart was beating fast, so fast. He couldn’t think. So he ignored it, went back to his friendship requests, and clicked on Even’s profile.

There was nothing much to see. His profile picture was him wearing sunglasses, looking out a window, and looking as gorgeous as Isak remembered him. His cover picture was a black background with a handwritten “I don’t sleep cos sleep is the cousin of death”.

And most importantly, he had no posts on his timeline.

Isak couldn’t even see who his friends were or get any information on him. He figured that his privacy settings didn’t allow him to see much before accepting his friend request.

Isak sank lower into his bed and wondered why he never tried to contact him before. That person was right. _A month? Why?_

A little voice in his head told him that perhaps that wasn’t even his real name. Perhaps, he had just created that facebook account which would explain why Isak wasn’t able to find him before.

_Fuck this shit._

Isak left facebook and sent the text to Alexander.

.

Isak spent three days ignoring the message request from Even, not even daring to open it. He went to class, did his homework, skyped with Jonas and Eva, talked to Markus about this mysterious Norwegian sex goddess, joined Magnus and Mahdi for a session of remote League of Legends, and met Alexander at a restaurant along Lafayette in NoHo for dinner.

Alexander was polite and nice. He pulled Isak’s chair and reached out to wipe the corner of his mouth when he made a mess with the salad dressing. Isak pulled back at the gesture and looked at him with wide eyes.

“Cute,” said Alexander, smiling.

Isak blushed and turned his attention back to his food.

It was a nice evening, not too cold and not too gloomy. Alexander paid for both of them and even gave a charitable donation when the waitress asked. They didn’t drink, Isak feeling uncomfortable about giving his fake ID in such a nice restaurant. And Alexander didn’t order alcohol either. It was nice.

They walked side by side to Bleecker St station. Isak’s palms were sweaty and he didn’t know where the night would take him. When they reached the station, Alexander told him that he had a nice time and grabbed his hand. Isak gasped and the Swedish man laughed.

“When was the last time someone held your hand, Isak?” he asked.

“Last month,” Isak answered honestly.

“I see.”

Alexander leaned in, and he expected him to kiss him. The man kissed his temple instead.

“Goodnight, Isak,” he said, letting go of his hand.

“Uh, what?” Isak was surprised.

“I’m flying early tomorrow. I need some sleep,” said Alexander with a smile.

“What? Why, why did you respond to my text then?”

“I wanted to take you out on a nice date before leaving, you know, to apologize for that night at the bar.”

Isak’s mouth was still gaping. He didn’t understand what had just happened.

Alexander ruffled his hair again.

“You should call that boyfriend of yours, Isak,” he said. “I’m leaving now, yeah? Take care.”

He pressed another kiss to his cheek and disappeared into the night.

.

Isak sat down on the 6 train and stared at his phone. He had no reception underground, so he just stared at the facebook logo for five minutes. When he got off at Union Square to switch to the N train, he couldn’t help but feel his chest clench at the L train sign.

He stopped at a corner and connected to the free Transit wifi.

With his heart beating like crazy in his chest, he finally clicked on the message request.

.

**Even Bech Næsheim**

**FEB 24, 9:40 PM**

Hi Isak. I deleted that post. I’m sorry if you felt like I was outing you! That’s not what I wanted to do I just wanted you to see it

I want to say I’m sorry for how I treated you that morning I can’t think about anything else.

You don’t have to forgive me. I just want you to know that you’re important and that you deserve someone who treats you right

You don’t have to accept my friend request but if you want to speak Norwegian or explore the city hit me up

**FEB 25, 02:12 AM**

I’m really fucking sorry I tried to follow you that day but I ran out naked and bumped into my roommate on my way out haha

**02:40 AM**

Not funny i know

**FEB 26, 11:20 AM**

Hope you’re having a nice day Isak! There’s an event today at the Norwegian consulate on 3rd ave and 50th st. You should go!! There’s free food

**11:11 PM**

I can’t stop thinking about your face that morning I’m such a fucking dick i’m sorry

I didn’t mean to hurt you like that

I know it took me a month but my roommate just gave me the idea of creating a facebook lol

**FEB 27, 04:02 AM**

I miss your skin

I think you ruined me for everybody else

**FEB 28, 09:12 AM**

Saw this cute puppy on 9gag and it reminded me of you haha

**FEB 28, 8:16 PM**

I dont know if you’re reading this but i’ll be whatever you’re willing to let me be

I can be your friend? I make mean sandwiches and i know the city better than any Norwegian :)

**FEB 28, 9:22 PM**

You’re probably not reading any of this but i hope you’re not letting anyone hurt you <3

\---------

Isak stared at his phone, reading and rereading every word. _What the fuck._

_“I miss your skin. I think you ruined me for everybody else.”_

He let his heart beat hard and fast against his ribcage. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt like crying.

_No. YOU ruined ME._

.

**Even Bech Næsheim**

9:45 PM

Hi Even. please stop messaging me

Idk if you’re lonely or just horny

but I wont have sex with you again

You were so fucking horrible to me

This is me not letting YOU hurt me

Bye

ISAK!!

Shit you replied

I dont

This is not what i’m doing im sorry

I dont want to have sex with you

I mean i do but that’s not why im doing this

Fuck

Can we meet?

No

I dont even fucking know you

.

Isak closed the conversation and shoved his phone in his pocket. When he finally got home, one of his roommates, John, was cooking dinner for some girl.

“Hey, Isak! You look nice tonight. A date?” he asked.

“Uh, yeah. See you,” said Isak, waving to the girl who smiled at him.

“He’s so cute. He looks like a baby!” Isak heard her say before closing his bedroom door.

Isak lived with two men in their late twenties, John and Dan. Dan worked as a software engineer, and never left his room when he was home. John worked as a manager in a 3-Michelin star restaurant midtown. He was a great cook, and seemed like a nice guy, although Isak never took time to hang out with him. He worked crazy hours, leaving the apartment at 4 in the afternoon and coming back around 2 in the morning. He also had different girls over every week on his free day. But he always brought food back home and told Isak he could have some.

.

Isak dropped on his bed and curled into a ball.

_Why am I feeling like this?_

He resisted for a good hour before opening the conversation again.

.

**Even Bech Næsheim**

10:10 PM

My name is Even Bech Næsheim. Born in Oslo on the 12th day of February in 1997. I have two amazing parents. I went to Bakka and stayed for 4 years instead of 3. I probably know some of your friends. Here’s a link to a video of me in Bakka in 2nd year [ http://prosjektblogg.weebly.com/home/september-09th-2014 ](http://prosjektblogg.weebly.com/home/september-09th-2014) my best friend Mikael took it at the time. I had a girlfriend for 4 years. Her name is Sonja. She was great but we split up because she grew tired of my shit. I moved to the city a year ago. I like to draw and watch movies and have casual sex. My favorite director is Baz Luhrmann. Brooklyn is my favorite borough. I like walking and dancing and everything. I’m a bit fucked in the head but that’s a story for another time. I like going to concerts and walking in the city for hours. I like to meet people and have the longest conversations and then never see them again. I miss kebab and I miss swimming. I miss the sun and I miss your skin.

I love life half the time, and I like people and dogs.

Can we meet now?

.

**Isak Valtersen** became friends with **Even Bech Næsheim.**

.

Isak never replied to Even’s message and they never met. But the older boy kept messaging him every day. He sent him memes, song lyrics, movie recommendations, and pictures of random things he saw around the city.

Isak ignored him for an entire week but read every single message, sometimes forcing himself not to smile.

_Ugh. He couldn’t even remember your name. Don’t fucking smile._

.

Isak stopped going on Grindr after Alexander. And even though he never answered any of Evens’ messages, they made him feel less lonely somehow, less alone.

By the 10th day, Isak was openly laughing at Even’s lame jokes. And while having lunch with Markus, the german guy asked him if he got himself a girlfriend.

“What?”

“Dude, you keep staring at your phone all day and smiling,” said Markus.

“That’s not true!”

“Uh, what the fuck, bro? Yes, it is.”

“Yeah whatever. But look at this post,” said Isak, handing him his phone.

.

.

“Isak, that’s not even fucking funny,” said Markus.

But Isak was too busy laughing and clutching his stomach.

“You’re so lame. And who’s Even Bech Næsheim? Sounds familiar.”

Isak snatched his phone away and looked at the new incoming message.

.

**Even Bech Næsheim**

1:23 PM

Did you laugh?

You’re laughing right now aren’t you?

Fat-shaming dogs now huh? :p

Fuck off

Hahahaha a reply???? fiNALLYYYY YES THANK YOU

How is your day? Did you eat?

Bye

Ok :(

And I did

Huh?

I laughed lol

<3

.

Isak started answering some of Even’s messages and stopped blaming himself for smiling.

Even seemed to have spent hours liking every picture of Isak on facebook. He never uploaded any of them, his profile picture being a meme and his cover picture a snap of Magnus passed out in a toilet.

So naturally, Eva wasted no time asking him who this Even Bech Næsheim was, on Skype.

“Uh, this guy that goes to NYU. He’s Norwegian, too!” Isak said.

“I see that! We have some friends in common, but he only has like 76 friends on facebook. What the hell?” said Eva.

_Yeah, he used to live under a rock and just created one._

When Jonas asked him who ‘this dude liking his instagram pictures’ was, Isak repeated the same thing he told Eva.

“Hmmm. Okay,” said Jonas. “Do you two have a thing?”

“A thing? What do you mean?”

“Isak!” Jonas gave him one of his ‘Jonas looks’. “Are you seeing him?”

“Uhm. Not really, no. Why?”

“Nothing. He used to go to Bakka apparently.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Okay. He seems nice. Handsome dude,” said Jonas.

“What the fuck? I’m hanging up. Bye.”

.

Isak hung up and smiled to himself, then remembered that Even called him Chris.

_Nice dude my ass._

.

**Even Bech Næsheim**

4:15 PM

There’s this apparently important football game tonight. I’ll go watch it in SideBar at Irvine Place in case you finally feel like meeting me today :)

No thanks

Ouch

I deserve it

But I’ll wait. (The name of the bar is SideBar!  
They won’t check your ID during the game)

bye

:(

What are you doing today?

Event with other exchange students

We’re playing ping-pong or something

At SPiN?

What?

SPiN is a lounge with ping-pong tables

The only one i know

Idk im just following

I might stop by :D

No fuck off

Ok :(

.

When Markus showed up at his door, he was dressed up like a lawyer.

“Dude what the fuck? I thought we were going to a ping-pong thing?” said Isak.

“Don’t you do your homework Isak? There’s always corporate events at SPiN! If I dress like this, I might blend in and get access to the open bar,” said Markus.

“What? You’re not even 21!”

“Doesn’t matter. We just need to blend in,” said the German boy.

And that’s how Isak ended up with his fanciest clothes in the middle of exchange students all dressed casually.

.

It turned out that Markus was right. The lounge was gigantic, and an entire section was reserved for a corporate event. Most of them were young, probably not older than 23.

“Isak!” said Markus, grabbing his arm. “I talked to this girl, and they all work in finance. They’re the new hires. Ha! I got us badges these two dudes just left.”

Markus was annoying half the time but Isak had to admit that he was resourceful. So for a couple of hours, Isak’s name was Martin O’Hare.

The bar ran out of beer, so he ordered white wine. After his fourth glass, he started exclusively speaking Norwegian.

“Dude what the fuck are you talking about?” said Markus.

“SideBar! Let’s go to SideBar!” he shouted.

“Dude! What? Speak English!”

“Ugh. Fuck you!” said Isak in Norwegian.

He left Markus and went back to the bar for two more glasses.

.

Isak couldn’t remember much. But he was now walking in the city, alone. He checked his pockets for his phone, cards and keys, and sighed in relief when his fingers felt all of his belongings.

.

He stopped a woman and asked her for SideBar in Norwegian, and she shoved him away.

_Rude._

He pulled out his phone and texted Even.

.

**Even Bech Næsheim**

9:23 PM

Wherr arr you? Im soo durknj

Ccant finw sidebsr

Sideber

Sidebar

Isak are you okay???

Fckk youu stooopp askkjn ne that

Where are you?

Idotnknowww

Fuckk yoooy

Yuu hurtt me soj cmuch

I hat eyy ou ssso muchh

Hate youy

Shit isak where are you???

.

Isak’s legs started hurting, so he stopped somewhere to rest for a second.

.

Isak woke up to someone nudging his shoulder.

“Hey! Hello? Are you okay? The park is closing in 30 minutes. You shouldn’t sleep here,” said a man walking two dogs.

“Where am I?” Isak managed in English.

“Stuyvesant Square Park. Dude, you’re a mess. You threw up everywhere. Are you okay?”

“Yessss. I’m perfect. Thank you mister. You’re so nice!” said Isak before falling on the bench again.

“Wow shit. You’ll wake up in a precinct at this rate. Give me your phone!” said the man.

Isak happily obliged before darkness took over and he could no longer see a thing.

.

When Isak came to again, he wasn’t in a precinct. But his head was spinning and his chest hurt.

“Shit shit shit,” he muttered to himself, before realizing that he was leaning against someone’s shoulder.

“Hello.”

Even’s voice felt like electricity shooting through his spine. He jumped and nearly fell off the bench.

“Shit. Even? What the fuck? Where am I?”

“We’re in Gramercy. You passed out in some park around here and some man messaged me. Good thing you don’t lock your phone,” said Even with a smile.

“What the fuck. What time is it?” Isak was still feeling drunk and dizzy.

“Around 2 in the morning I think. Let me check my phone,” said Even.

“What?! Fuck! I have class tomorrow. What the hell? Why are you here?”

“I told you. You passed out and I came to get you. You threw up for a good hour and I made you drink water. I tried getting you to the subway but you couldn’t walk, and I couldn’t carry you down the stairs. So here we are. Just how much did you drink?”

Isak couldn’t respond. His head was spinning and he felt like dying.

“You don’t have to answer. Can you walk?” said Even.

Isak nodded.

“Okay, I’m taking you to my place. Is that okay?”

“What? No?!” Isak managed.

“Isak. You live in Harlem. You’ll die before getting there. My place is closer and I don’t think you’re making it to class tomorrow,” said Even.

Isak couldn’t talk, so he just followed what the taller boy said.

Even wrapped an arm around his waist as they started walking towards 3rd Avenue station.

Suddenly, Even’s phone buzzed.

“Fuck, must be Amanda,” he muttered to himself.

“Who’s Amanda?” said Isak, his eyes closing.

“This girl from class. She likes me but I’m not interested. We were at the bar together when the guy messaged me about you. Don’t know how she got my number,” said Even.

“Does she have big boobs?” said Isak.

“Wow,” Even bursted out laughing. “You’re an interesting drunk, Isak.”

He then held him closer and pulled out his phone with his other hand.

“Uh, hey Emma. Sorry for running out. Something came up. Yeah, see you!” he said, before hanging up.

“I thought her name was Amanda,” said Isak.

“Yeah, but by calling her Emma instead of Amanda, she’ll think I’m an absolute asshole and hate me and move on quickly. Works every time,” said Even with a smile.

A smile that quickly turned into an alarmed face as Isak shoved him as hard as he possibly could.

“What?! What the fuck? Is that why you called me fucking Chris? What? Fuck you!”

Isak lost his balance and fell not too long after that. _Shit._

Even tried to help him up but he shoved his hands away.

“Isak. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. When you kissed me that morning, it freaked me out. I thought you were getting attached, and I didn’t want you to, so I just did what I always do. I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t think it would hurt you this much. I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t myself that whole night. I fucking hate my brain. I’m so sorry.”

Isak was crying.

“Do you have any idea how much it fucking hurt? You called me fucking Chris. You touched me like that and you made me feel like I mattered, and then you forgot my fucking name,” he bit through his tears. He was so drunk.

Even kneeled down beside him and brought a hand to his cheek, caressing it softly, the same way he had that night in the subway. Isak couldn’t help it. He just leaned into the touch and closed his eyes.

_I’m so fucking drunk._

“Baby,” Even whispered and Isak looked up.

_Don’t fucking call me that._

Even had both hands cupping Isak’s face now.

_Don’t touch me like that._

He wiped his tears and started planting soft kisses on his cheeks.

_Don’t kiss my face. I just threw up, what the fuck._

But he couldn’t help it. He let himself feel it. He sank into his touch and breathed hard, his chest heaving, his own hands grabbing the taller boy’s shoulders.

When Even pulled back, he looked at him long and hard, his eyes roaming Isak’s face. He took a deep breath then, without ever breaking eye contact, he finally spoke.

“How could you think for even a second that I forgot your name.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol  
> Thank you so much for your comments. I'm so overwhelmed. You guys are the BEST <3\. I tried my best to get this out 24hours later and not leave you waiting. I hope it didn't disappoint <3  
> Why do you think Even does that? Essentially shut everyone out? Never have any meaningful relationships in the city?  
> Why did it take him a month?  
> How lame was that dog meme? I laughed I'm not gonna lie.  
> I also thought I'd take a photoshop break to make that banner hahaha.  
> .  
> Your comments mean the WORLD <33333333


	4. Isak Isak Isak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hangover and the House of Yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TEAR ME APART. I will reply to comments in a few hours. Getting this out in time is a bit challenging haha.

**Bushwick, Brooklyn - April**

_“I’m fucked in the head, Isak. And no one will ever love me.”_

.

“I’m so fucking drunk, Even.”

Isak didn’t remember much, just flashes. He remembered Even dragging him down the stairs to the subway station, firmly pressing him to his side. He remembered snuggling against him on the train. He remembered how nice his hands felt in his hair. He remembered being in a car and snuggling to Even’s side again, burying his nose in his neck.

“I missed your skin, too,” Isak mumbled.

He remembered Even taking him up the stairs to his apartment. He remembered the taller boy taking off his shoes and his clothes. He remembered shrieking once the hot water hit his half naked body under the shower. He remembered Even calming him down.

“It’s me. Hey. It’s me, Isak. I got you,” he said.

He remembered curling against Even’s bare chest and sleeping soundly.

He remembered Even holding him close, too close, kissing his forehead and playing with his hair. He remembered him whispering _“The only way to have something forever is by losing it.”_

.

Isak woke up seven minutes before his 7AM alarm, disoriented, confused, and scared. He was fully clothed in sweats, but there was a naked body next to him.

“Where the fuck am I?!” he exclaimed.

Even looked at him from under the pillow.

“Hello. Good morning. This is Williamsburg, Brooklyn. And you’re gonna have one hell of a hangover,” he smiled. _He smiled._

“Shit, I have class. I’m leaving,” said Isak, sitting up on the bed.

He then quickly realized that his body did not agree with him as he started gagging.

“Toilet is on the left!” yelled Even as Isak ran out of the room.

Isak threw up twice, then one more time before coming back into the room.

“I feel like shit,” he said.

“I know. I think it might be alcohol poisoning. You were sweating and shivering all night. I put you under the shower, but I don’t think I was supposed to do that. I googled it and some people said it might have made you even colder. I don’t know. I’m sorry,” said Even, now sitting on the bed.

“Uh. Where are my clothes?” Isak could barely speak. His head felt like it was going to split in half.

“I put them in the washing machine. You threw up all over yourself.”

_He has a washing machine. What the fuck. What kind of-_

“We don’t have a washing machine by the way. But our neighbors have one and I pulled some strings,” said Even, as if he could hear Isak’s thoughts.

“I need to go.”

“Isak, your clothes should be ready in an hour or so. You should stay a bit. I don’t think you’ll make it on the trains right now. Everybody’s going to work, and you’ll probably feel sick. Wait until after 10 o’clock or something, yeah?”

“Why the fuck do you care?” Isak sounded bitter and angry, and he was.

“I, I’m sorry. I just. I’ve been there and taking the subway when you’re hungover is not the best idea. You’re probably still drunk. Just. Just take a nap, okay?”

Isak kept staring at him, but then he felt the need to throw up again and stormed back to the bathroom.

His head was pounding, and his chest was heaving, and he felt like his lungs were going to come out. Whenever he got up, his head started spinning again, and he ended up back on his knees, trying to throw up without anything actually making it past his throat.

“I think you have an upset stomach. I’ll get you some Advil and water. You have to stay hydrated,” said Even from the bathroom door.

“Can you just shut the fuck up for a second?” Isak shouted.

One of Even’s roommates yelled “What the fuck, Even? Who’s screaming in a foreign language at 7 in the morning?”. So he came inside the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

“Sorry,” mumbled Isak. “My head feels like it’s going to fucking explode.”

He then grabbed the toilet seat again and tried to vomit some more. Even kneeled down behind him, kept his hair from falling on his forehead, and ran a hand over his back, soothing.

When Isak felt better, he got him up, handed him soap and mouthwash, and leaned against the shower, not saying a word.

When they got back to his room, Isak sank into the bed without uttering a word. Even came back with Advil and water, lots and lots of water.

“Drink this. You might feel like throwing up, but it’s better than having nothing in your stomach,” Even said.

He nodded, took the pills, drank the water, and curled in Even’s bed, dozing off in minutes.

Isak woke up to Even’s staring at him and running a hand all over his face.

“Fuck? What time is it?”

“It’s 13:12,” said Even.

“Shit. Shit. I missed class.” Isak tried sitting up but his skull felt like it was about to crack open. He brought his two hands to his head.

“I want to die,” he said.

“I have similar wishes most of the time,” Even replied with a smile. “But you’re not dying in my apartment. Here’s some more water and Advil. I got you some crackers and bread.”

Isak didn’t protest. He didn’t want to. He felt too awful to question Even’s motives or turn down his help. So he just took everything he gave him and fell asleep twenty minutes later again.

The next time he woke up, it was dark outside and Even wasn’t by his side. His head no longer hurt, but his stomach was still in a jumble.

He got up to look for his phone, and quickly found it on the desk on top of his folded clothes. They even smelled nice. His phone was dead, so he started looking for a charger.

“Oh, you’re up. Feeling better?” said Even, as he entered the room. “I thought I heard some noise. I’m making food.”

He was smiling.

“Uh, do you have an iPhone charger. My phone is dead,” said Isak.

“Yeah, sure. Let me.”

Even pulled out a charger from his bag and plugged his phone.

“It might take a minute for your phone to turn on. Think you can join me for some eggs?” he asked.

“Uh. I don’t know. I still feel like shit.”

Even’s face fell.

“Okay, I’ll just have some,” said Isak.

.

They sat in the kitchen awkwardly, Isak nibbling at the scrambled eggs.

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah, I’ll survive the subway,” said Isak.

“How much did you drink?”

“I think I had 6 full glasses of white wine in less than two hours,” Isak admitted, feeling stupid.

“Wow. Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know. We snuck into this corporate event and got access to the open bar. I got too excited I think. I mean it was free,” said Isak.

_I might have also just really wanted to get drunk._

“You’re full of surprises,” Even chuckled. “I’m glad that man messaged me. I was worried after you sent me those messages.”

“I messaged you?!”

“Yes. I guess you’ll read them when your phone turns on. But uhm, do you remember what happened before I dragged you here?” Even asked, with something like worry dancing in his eyes.

“Uhm , yes,” said Isak.

He remembered. He remembered how Even revealed that he hurt him on purpose because he wasn’t good enough.

“What do you remember?” Even asked.

“You called me Chris on purpose so that I’d leave you alone, something you do to everyone apparently. But then you changed your mind for some reason and made an exception for me,” said Isak, shoving a mouthful of scrambled eggs down his throat.

“Uh. You’re. You’re not mad?” said Even.

“I’m fine. I’ll get over it, Even.”

“Isak, I really didn’t mean to hurt you like that.”

“Uh. These eggs were great,” said Isak. “I’m gonna go now.”

“Shit. Don’t be like this,” Even said, grabbing his hand.

“Don’t touch me please,” Isak shoved him away aggressively. “Fuck! I just. Why did you bring me here, Even? Why did you come for me? Why suddenly go after me? I don’t get it. What makes me an exception?”

“I don’t, I don’t know. You just are.”

“Wow what a load of bullshit,” muttered Isak, now looking at his feet.

“Isak, I don’t know how to explain myself without sounding like a lunatic,” said Even.

When Isak finally spoke, it was in a small voice, barely there.

“Is it, is it because you realized I’d probably let you do anything you wanted to me? Is it because I begged you to fuck me in fucking Norwegian? Did I, did I hit all your kinks?” Isak couldn’t believe he was uttering those words, and he could feel tears around his eyes.

Even was suddenly crouching down in front of him him, eyes wide and mouth slightly gaping.

“Shit. No! What the fuck? No!” Even tried to bring a hand to his face, but he pushed him away. “Isak, this has nothing to do with sex. I don’t want to use you. Please, believe me.”

“I honestly can’t believe anything you say. ‘How could I think you forgot my name?’ I don’t know, maybe because you literally called me another name? I just. I guess you weren’t joking when you said you were fucked in the head. Just how is anyone ever going to love you if you keep calling them by the wrong name just for kicks? Ugh. Whatever. I’m so fucking tired and I need a shower.”

Even stared at him, then slowly stopped squeezing Isak's thighs. His expression was blank. Isak had hit a nerve. 

“Use mine before you go,” said Even, without looking at him.

“I don’t want to use your shower.”

“Just do it, Isak. I’ll go for a walk. You won’t see me when you’re done,” he said, getting up and retreating to his seat.

And that’s how Isak found himself in Even’s shower for the second time in less than 24 hours. He washed himself then put on the older boy’s clothes again. He sat on the toilet and closed his eyes.

_What the fuck are you still doing here. Go home._

Isak had a problem. His anger always dissolved too quickly for his liking. He never managed to stay mad for too long. But blowing up on Even was certainly a first for him. Isak always internalized everything, keeping everything bottled up inside. And if it hurt, then it hurt. Tomorrow was going to be a different day. Except that this time, Isak couldn’t. His chest felt like it was burning, and he felt like he was about to implode. So he let everything out.

He felt like Even had touched him too deep in his soul and taken something away from him. So he bit back. But now sitting on his toilet, he couldn't help but feel bad for yelling when he had fed him and taken care of him.

_Is it too bad if I just want to stay._

When Isak left the bathroom, Even wasn’t in the apartment as promised. His phone was charged and his clothes were still on the desk. He answered Markus’ 35 messages and checked his e-mail for homework. He quickly put his phone down, as he still felt dehydrated, tired, and disoriented. He looked at Even’s bed, which now had different sheets, and thought about how he was stroking his face when he woke up in the middle of the afternoon

_Why does he have to be so gentle._

Isak made it to the front door a total of five times before heading back to the bed for good and curling up in the sheets.

_I don’t want to leave._

He woke up around midnight to the sound of the front door opening. He panicked and closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep. Even turned the lights off seconds after turning them on, probably after noticing Isak curled up in his bed. He sighed and Isak’s heart started beating fast, way too fast, in his chest.

He heard shoes and clothes fall on the floor. And when Even climbed into bed with him and wrapped his arms around his back, Isak couldn’t help but gasp and tense up.

“You stayed,” Even whispered into his hair.

Isak didn’t speak a word. Instead, he snuggled closer and wrapped his arms around Even’s waist.

_I just want someone to hold me._

“I just want someone to hold me,” he finally whispered.

So Even tightened his hold and played with his hair.

“I’m sorry,” said Even, for the thousandth time.

Isak left his neck, and the older boy pressed their foreheads together. His heart was beating uncontrollably in his chest and he felt like he was going mad. They were close, too close. He could feel Even’s soft breathing against his cheek.

So Isak reached up in the dark and pressed their lips together, soft and hesitant, his arms still around Even’s waist, Even who didn’t kiss him back but didn’t push him away either.

Isak brought his hands up to his face and kissed him again.

“Kiss me. Please, kiss me,” he begged.

“Isak..”

“Please.”

Even kissed him back, arms firmly wrapped around his back. He kissed him slow and tender. He kissed him like he might break. And while Isak would normally bite his lips and pant against his mouth, he let himself revel in the softness.

And so they kissed, wrapped in each other’s arms, Even in his boxers and Isak in his sweats. They made out lazily under the sheets for what seemed like an eternity, no teeth, barely any tongue, just lips and hands. Isak felt lost, so lost, but he had never felt so content. He felt butterflies in his stomach and he let them be, not pushing, not grinding, not pulling.

_I want to stay like this forever._

When he started dozing off, Even pulled away and caressed his face. Isak heard him say the most random things again. But one thing struck him before darkness took over.

_“You make me want to get better,”_ Even whispered against his skin.

.

Isak woke up around 5 in the morning and Even was sleeping beside him. He hadn’t seen him sleep before, so he allowed himself a few minutes of staring and touching.

_He's so beautiful,_ Isak thought.

By 5:30, Isak was out of the door.

.

When Isak got to eighth avenue, he physically couldn’t stand being on the subway anymore. So he got out, and ordered an uber home. He remembered being in a car with Even the night he got drunk, too. _Did we take an uber from the subway station? What the hell?_

He rested his head on the window, and thought about the kissing and the holding.

_Shit._

.

When he got home around 7 in the morning, John was there in the kitchen.

“Hey, where were you these past 2 nights? Your friend Markus came looking for you, yesterday. He said you disappeared on him.”

“Uh, I got a bit drunk and stayed at a friend’s. Nothing to worry about,” said Isak.

“I called you so many times today. Why weren’t you picking up?”

“Phone died. I slept all day, too. Sorry.”

“You okay? You look like you’ve been crying.”

“What? No dude, what the hell. Just hungover,” said Isak.

“Okay.”

.

Isak made it to his bed and looked at the ceiling.

_Fuck me._

He pulled out his phone and typed a message before he could change his mind.

* * *

**Even Bech Næsheim**

7:07 AM

im still wearing your clothes. I’ll wash

them and drop them off this week

thanks for letting me crash

bye

* * *

But Even never replied. Isak went to class and caught up on his homework and called Markus. He replied to all the messages and caught up with the groupchats from back home.

“Where were you dude?” said Jonas.

“Got trashed two nights ago. I was dead.”

“Oh okay.”

.

Isak couldn’t help but go back and check on the conversation with Even, and he couldn’t help but feel hurt.

_Fuck. He’s ignoring me again. Great._

He assumed that Even freaked out again after all that kissing and decided to go back to shutting him off. It hurt, but at least he knew, this time.

_Whatever._

* * *

 

**Even Bech Næsheim**

03:15 AM

You weren’t a sexual fantasy to me

When you cried that morning it killed me

I can’t explain it but u never left my mind since that night

I don’t know why you’re an exception but you just are

got greedy and thought i could have more

but i cant do that to you

won’t bother you again

I promise

* * *

Isak stared at the message the next morning when he woke up.

_What the fuck is he talking about?_

But he couldn’t bring himself to answer. It felt too final, so he let it be.

.

He didn’t hear from Even for several weeks. And as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t message him either. He hadn’t been online in weeks according to Messenger. So Isak spent two whole hours imagining how he could have gotten kidnapped before dropping it.

.

Isak agreed to join Markus at some hipster party in Bushwick, Brooklyn.

“Those hipster girls do the weirdest shit in bed, bro.”

Markus somewhat reminded him of Magnus in his sheepishness and tendency to say the wrong things. But deep down, he was nice and reliable. So Isak liked him and he told him.

“You remind me of a friend back home,” he said.

“Oh yeah? Fuck that, I’m unique.”

“Sounds like something he would say, too,” Isak added, teasing. “Both of you are so desperate.”

Markus shoved him.

“What? I’m not desperate! What the fuck?”

Isak laughed. “And is Markus Müller really your real name? Isn’t that like the german John Smith?”

“Fuck you, Martin O’hare.”

They laughed and walked to the ‘House of Yes’ together, their fake IDs in hand.

.

It was an interesting venue. It wasn’t as big as Isak imagined it, but it was interestingly set up, with two main dance floors and a small outdoor area.

He wasn’t into the music but the beer was good. Isak was shocked by the number of guys that approached him.

_What? Do I. Do I look gay?_

Markus was squeezed between two girls and a boy in a corner. And Isak just laughed while giving him a thumbs up.

He took the time to observe and quickly noticed that the people in this venue weren’t the usual club crowd he was used to. Girls weren’t wearing heels, and boys had weird hats on, and man-buns, and beards. Girls were kissing girls and boys were kissing boys, and Isak was suddenly flustered and taken aback.

_Where are we? Is this a gay club?_

Isak pulled out his phone and googled the venue again. Nothing in its description suggested that it was. And before he could read some more, a girl grabbed him and pulled him on stage.

“Stop looking at your fucking phone! Live a little!” she said with a smile, too wide for her tiny face.

Isak turned around and concluded that most people were on drugs. But he still let himself get carried away by the weird music and the weird people. He moved his body awkwardly, and held hands with boys and girls, and kissed a few people regardless of their gender without looking at their faces.

It was liberating and the little bit of worry he had about Markus finding out disappeared when he saw him kissing both a girl and a boy.

“What a guy!” thought Isak.

So he downed more beer and lost himself some more in the mass of bodies grinding and moving. He let whoever wanted a kiss get one, and no one ever went overboard. He barely parted his lips or reciprocated. He just silently indulged.

So he took, and took, and took, with arms by his sides, until butterflies settled in the pit of his stomach. A familiar scent overwhelming him, familiar hands caressing his cheeks, familiar lips tenderly pressed against his, a familiar voice bringing him out of his revery.

“Isak. Isak. Isak!”

Isak opened his eyes in pure panic and jumped back.

_Even._

He looked like a fantasy, a dream. All dressed in white, pupils dilated, a smile so wide, it was blinding. He looked wrecked and disheveled and beautiful.

“Even, how are you here?”

“I live here, baby. This is my home. This is where all my family lives. This is the House of Yes!”

Even was clearly more messed up than he was, so Isak dragged him by the arm to the outdoor section of the venue.

“Even, are you okay? You seem so fucking out of it!”

The older boy didn’t answer his question. He took him in his arms instead.

“I missed you so much! I think I’m finally dying, Isak,” he said.

Isak couldn’t understand a thing he said. And whenever he tried to break the hug, Even just held him closer.

“Even, just let me look at you for a second.”

“I don’t want you to,” said Even against the crook of his neck.

“What? Why?”

“I don’t want you to see me like this.”

Even was incoherent and he made no sense. So Isak pushed harder and pressed him against the wall.

“What the fuck did you take, Even?”

The older boy’s head was down and he was looking at the floor.

“Shit. I don’t know. I’m naturally fucked up I guess,” he said.

Isak lifted his chin and looked into his eyes. His pupils were blown out abnormally and he couldn’t help but worry.

_Shit. Should I get him out?_

“Even, I’m gonna get you some water. You stay here, okay?”

“No. I don’t want to stay alone, please,” he held onto Isak’s arm with both hands. “Please, don’t leave me. Everybody fucking leaves me.”

Isak felt like he was having an out of body experience.

_What the fuck is this? Am I dreaming? Is this the same guy I’ve been pining over for months?_

“Even, I’m not leaving. What are you talking about? Nobody’s fucking leaving you. You shut everyone out. It’s you!” Isak said.

Even let himself slide down the wall and sat down on the floor, his head between his knees.

“You were right, Isak.”

“Huh? What?”

Isak kneeled down in front of him and pushed his damp hair away from his forehead, the same way Even had done for him several weeks prior.

The older boy then grabbed his wrists gently, brushing his thumb over his erratic pulse. Then with tears in his eyes, he finally spoke.

“I’m fucked in the head, Isak. And no one will ever love me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Note: The House of Yes is an AMAZING venue and the people who go there are AMAZING. It just screams Even to me. Lol I had to.  
> .  
> I'm sorry. Posting this makes me so nervous because this is essentially the premise of this fic. Even is in a very very bad place. He lives dangerously and doesn't take care of himself at all. He just takes it as it comes. Just like Isak. If it hurts then it hurts. Whatever. Tomorrow is another day.  
> In this universe, they're both messed up, but Isak will have to work extra hard to save Even. And in the process, he will save himself as well. Because Isak is a very very caring and nurturing person.  
> I don't know. I'm tired and emotional lol.  
> EXPECT HAPPY THINGS AFTER THIS. bye i love you guys <3  
> .  
> What did you think? Tear me apart.


	5. Romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some pining and some friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello <3 ILY GUYS

**Brooklyn Heights Promenade, Brooklyn. April**

_“I would have never slept with you on the first night.”_

.

The music was too loud and the beer was starting to get to Isak’s head. Yet, there he was, on his knees, trying to calm and soothe a hysterical Even.

The older boy was a mess. He was incoherent. He made no sense. But if Isak was sure of one thing, it’s that Even was hurt. He had taken Isak’s words in the kitchen and twisted them and turned them into this ugly thing, and no one was going to convince him that it wasn’t the absolute truth.

_“No one will ever love me.”_

_“Even, what are you talking about?”_

_“I’m a fucking mess. A fucking mess.”_

Isak felt like he was in a badly written TV show. He felt like it was the end of the episode and like epic music was playing in the background. But it wasn’t. Isak didn’t have a week to come up with a solution. Hell, he didn’t even have a minute as people had started gathering around them.

So he stood up, fixed his expression, and pulled Even off the floor with every bit of strength that he had. He wrapped an arm around his waist, and proceeded to drag them outside the venue.

Even leaned on him naturally, mindlessly kissing his cheek, his temple, his hair, anything he could reach.

“I missed you so much.”

And Isak didn’t try to stop him. He knew Even was delirious and that he couldn’t get to him.

When they reached the street, Isak remembered Markus and pulled out his phone. But before he could message him, the German boy made it out the door.

“Isak! What the fuck is going on? I just saw you dragging this guy outside. Who is this? Shit, is he okay?” Markus said, quickly realizing how bad Even looked.

“Uh, yeah. This is, uh, a friend of mine. I just bumped into him and he’s doing really bad, so I’m gonna take him home,” said Isak, trying to hide the fact that he was mortified.

“Bro, this friend of yours is kissing your face,” said Markus.

“Uh, I know. He does that sometimes. Is it okay if I ditch? Even lives in Williamsburg, so I’ll drop him off, but I don’t think I’ll come back. Is that okay?” Isak said, gasping every time Even’s kisses got too close to his mouth.

“Uh, sure dude. What the fuck, he looks so out of it. What did he take?”

“I, I don’t know. Uh, fuck,” Isak couldn’t help but yelp when Even bit his ear. “I’m gonna go now. Bye Markus.”

Even wouldn’t stop touching him and he was completely unresponsive to his voice and pleas.

Isak started panicking. He couldn’t take him on the subway, and they couldn’t walk either. So he pulled out his phone and ordered them an Uber pool. He had sworn off Uber after that one ride that cost him three lunches, but it only cost around 6 dollars so he didn’t feel too bad.

Even didn’t stop stroking his face and kissing his jaw during the entire ride. And Isak felt terrible for being aroused under such circumstances. But when he thought about it, he hadn’t slept with anyone since Even, months earlier. And his body couldn’t help but respond to the older boy’s.

Isak reached out, grabbed Even’s wrists, and tried to pin them down on his knees. And when it didn’t prove to be very fruitful, he took Even’s chin in one hand and made him look into his eyes.

“Even, look at me. Look at me. Hey, can you hear me?”

“Isak, I missed you baby. How are you?”

Isak gave up just in time for them to reach Even’s street. He searched his pockets for keys and sighed in relief when he found them. He tried different keys twice before finding the right one, with Even pressed against his side still trying to touch him, on the verge of passing out. When they got to the apartment, Isak started fiddling with the keys again, but luckily someone got the door.

“Shit! Sophie! Even is fucked up again!” yelled the guy who opened the door.

“Uh, hi. I found him in Bushwick. I, I don’t know what he took or what’s wrong with him. I came here as fast as I could,” Isak was stuttering, barely breathing.

“It’s okay kid. We deal with this shit all the fucking time.” He then dragged a clingy Even inside the apartment and to his room.

Isak didn’t want to let go, so he didn’t. He helped move Even to the bed.

“Again? Is he really trying to get himself killed this time or what? Jesus fucking christ,” sighed a girl by the door.

Isak assumed they were his roommates.

“I’m Sophie and this is Emmanuel. We’re Even’s roommates,” said the girl. “Who are you?”

Isak stared at both of them. The girl was tall and skinny, had long black hair and bangs, and looked straight out of an indie music video. The guy was tall and rugged. He sported a hipster beard and looked very annoyed.

“I’m, uh, Isak! Nice to meet you.”

“Isak? You’re the guy he’s been obsessing over? Shit, what is this?” Sophie then sighed and walked out of the room.

“What?” Isak was confused.

“This poor fuck,” sighed Emmanuel.

Isak tried getting Even to lie down, but Sophie came back into the room and dragged him to the bathroom instead.

“Gotta make him throw that shit up,” she said.

Isak didn’t understand what was happening and his breathing just wouldn’t go back to normal.

“You should go. We got this. Cool of you to bring him here though,” said the tall man.

But Isak didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to leave. He knew that he owed Even virtually nothing, but the older boy had taken care of him when he didn’t need to.

Isak knew that he was a pretty selfish person, but when it came to Even, for some reason he couldn’t begin wrapping his head around, he just couldn’t help it.

“I’ll stay! I want to stay. Can I do that?” Isak asked.

“Uh. Are you sure? It can get pretty ugly,” said Emmanuel.

“I don’t care.”

“Okay.”

.

When Sophie brought Even back into the room, he looked small and wrecked and tired. Isak’s heart couldn’t help but clench. He looked nothing like the mysterious magical boy who had torn him apart a few months earlier. And Isak just wanted to wrap his arms around him.

So he did, all night. He held him all night, the exact same way Even did for him. He pulled him into his chest and wrapped his arms around his back.

“Please don’t leave,” Even whispered in the dead of the night.

“I won’t.”

.

When Isak woke up, Even was still sleeping, still clutching his shirt. So Isak stared.

_Why do I care so much about you?_

He stared and touched, very hesitantly at first. Then he threaded his fingers through Even’s hair and soothed. He watched him sleep until their breathing matched. He traced his face with his fingers, memorizing every curve. Whenever Even moved in his sleep and leaned into his touch, Isak felt his heart beat faster. He couldn’t help it.

_What is it about you?_

So he pulled Even closer and slept for a few more hours.

Around 11 in the morning his phone buzzed.

* * *

**Markus** **Müller**

11:02 AM

DUDE

DUDE WTF

ARE YOU THE NORWEGIAN SEX GODDESS???

THAT GUY!!!

HE’S THE FACEBOOK GUY!!!!!

YOU’RE GAY???

* * *

 

Isak locked his phone and sighed. _Fuck me._

But around 2 in the afternoon his phone started buzzing again.

 

* * *

**Markus** **Müller**

1:52 PM

I don’t give a shit btw. It’s just funny lol

Ure so sneaky wtf??

is this why you ditched kelly?

also this guy asked me for ur number once and i was like NAH HE LIKES PUUSSEYY

anyways i had a fuckiNG THREESOME LAST NIGHT lmfaoo

lets go for tacos tonight ill tell you lol

* * *

Isak couldn’t help but smile at the messages but he didn’t reply.

When he got up to use the restroom, Emmanuel was there in the kitchen.

“You really did stay, huh,” he said.

“Uh. Hey. Yeah. I don’t know. He won’t wake up.”

“Yeah, he won’t before next week at least. You should go if you have stuff to do.”

“Next week? Why? What did he take?” Isak asked.

“Tricky question, kid. You’ll have to ask him. Go home seriously.”

So Isak did. He sat by Even’s side and ran his hand through his hair one more time.

_I didn’t mean to hurt you like that._

And since he wasn’t sure if he was ever going to see Even again, he leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

_Goodbye._

* * *

**Even Bech Næsheim**

15:15 PM

Hey Even

I hope u feel better

I just want u to know that i didnt mean that stuff i said in the kitchen

Please dont take it to heart

Take care

* * *

 

Isak resumed his life, worked at the bookstore, and did his homework. But every once in a while, he couldn’t help but think about Even. So he sent him more messages and continued getting no answers.

 

* * *

**Even Bech Næsheim**

11:15 AM

Hey Even

Just wanna know if you’re ok

Text me if you wanna talk

Or something

* * *

When Markus showed up to his workplace, Isak’s eyes went wide. _Shit._

“Seriously dude, are you gonna avoid me for the rest of the year?” said the German boy.

“I’m not avoiding you.”

“Yes, you are! Anyways, how is that guy doing? He looked fucked.”

“I think he’s okay. I don’t know. I took him home and his roommates took over,” said Isak.

“So what’s the deal between you two?” asked Markus, very nonchalantly.

Isak considered his options. There was absolutely no reason for him to continue denying and hiding. And Markus seemed more open-minded than he thought.

“Uh, I don’t know. We had sex in January. And we keep bumping into each other, I guess,” said Isak without looking up.

When he finally did, Markus was trying to stifle a grin.

“What?” said Isak.

“Fuck me! I can’t fucking believe you let me think there was some Norwegian sex goddess walking around campus! What kind of fucking friend are you?”

“Well, it’s kind of true. I am in fact a Norwegian sex goddess,” said Isak, with a smile on his face.

They laughed and Markus waited for his shift to end so that they could get tacos. Markus told him about his threesome with a girl and another guy, and then told him that he gave Isak’s number to some guy.

“I’m going to fucking kill you.”

“Relax. He’s super nice and he has this massive crush on you. Also that’s what you get for lying to my face.”

* * *

**Even Bech Næsheim**

08:04 PM

This made me think of u

lol

* * *

Isak agreed to meet the guy Markus set him up with. Adrian was nineteen and he barely reached his shoulder. He was also a shy mess, and he couldn’t stop rambling all over his Caramel Macchiato. Isak was overwhelmed.

_What the fuck is this._

“Uh, so I know this is awkward. But I think you’re cute, so I went for it,” said Adrian.

“It’s, uh, it’s okay. Thanks.”

Adrian was cute, very cute. He had green eyes and black hair and was wearing a buttoned-up shirt. But the thing was that he wasn’t Isak’s type at all. And Isak didn’t even know he had a type.

“This is really awkward but I feel like you’re disappointed,” said Adrian.

“Hey, no, no, don’t say that. You’re, uh, you’re very cute,” said Isak, blushing at his own words. He had never complimented another boy before.

“Thanks. But I’m guessing you’re not interested.”

“Uhm I’m sorry. I just. I have something going on with this other person, so.”

“It’s okay!” said Adrian, with too much enthusiasm.

Isak felt bad. Adrian reminded him of himself, in a way.

“But we can get each other off, sometime? What do you think?” said the boy.

“What?”

“You know. We can be friends or whatever. I feel like you need a friend.”

And that’s how Isak ended up watching Grease and some other “classics you have to watch before you die” at Adrian’s, right before the other boy went down on him.

* * *

**Even Bech Næsheim**

11:04 PM

Hey

About ur offer from a while ago

We can be friends

I mean we’re both norwegian

So like

Uh whatever

* * *

“So what’s up with you?” said Jonas on Skype.

“Uh, nothing much. Usual stuff, you?”

“You should answer in the groupchat, dude. Mahdi’s starting to get angry with you.”

“Yeah, I will. But, uh, Jonas. I have a question,” said Isak.

“What?”

“How long does it take to recover from a bad trip? Like drugs and stuff?”

“Isak! Are you doing drugs now? What the fuck?”

“No, no. It’s not me. No. Uh. Just that guy, Even. Remember him?”

“Oh. What happened?”

“I bumped into him at this party and he was so fucked up. Then I realized that he might be a drug addict? I don’t know. His roommates made it look like that,” said Isak.

“Shit. That’s messed up. But, uh I don’t know. I only smoke weed, Isak.”

“I know that. I was just asking.”

“Isak, if it’s drugs, I think you should stay away. You’re only there for a year,” said Jonas.

“Uh, I know. I know. I was just wondering if he was going to be okay.”

* * *

**Even Bech Næsheim**

17:22 PM

Lol

Btw i work at the school bookstore most days

But im free if u want to talk

Or something

* * *

“So tell me about this guy you’re in love with,” said Adrian from where he was lying on Isak’s bed.

“I’m not in love, what the fuck.”

“Yeah whatever. What’s your deal with him?”

Isak stared at the ceiling.

“Uh. We had a one-night stand months ago, and he hurt me a lot. But he came looking for me like a month later. And then he hurt me again, but then he took care of me. And we made out one night. And last time I saw him, he was basically delirious and high on drugs. I don’t know.”

“Sounds like feelings to me. He fucked you that good?” Adrian asked nonchalantly.

“Shut up, what the fuck! And I don’t have fucking feelings for him! I just. He’s also Norwegian, so I don’t know.”

“Hm. So you’re being patriotic? That’s lame, Isak.”

Isak repositioned himself so that he was looking at Adrian.

“He says my name right, you now. He calls me Isak, not Isaac.”

“Ouch.”

“He’s also, I don’t know. He’s so gentle. Ugh, fuck me. Why am I talking about him?”

Adrian got up and put on his jeans.

“Sounds like you’re pining to me. See ya next time pretty boy.”

* * *

**Even Bech Næsheim**

21:22 PM

I miss you

* * *

_I’m fucking pining._

.

When Isak made it to work that afternoon five minutes before his shift, he had already planned the rest of the day in his head. He was going to work for two hours, then head to Markus’ for some Fifa, then go to Adrian’s to watch the rest of Stranger Things in his boxers. He was going to check his phone every ten minutes and eventually send Even another dog picture that wasn’t even funny. He was then going to pine and force himself to sleep.

So when he saw the gigantic ball of sunshine leaning over the bookstore counter, his mind went blank.

“Even?!”

“Hello!” said Even, smiling like a thousand suns.

“Holy shit! What are you doing here?” Isak just stood by the door.

“I finally logged into facebook and saw your messages, so I decided to stop by.”

“You could have just answered.”

“But that’s not romantic,” said Even, smiling so big, he couldn’t see his eyes.

Isak felt weak in the knees and he wanted to hug him.

So he did. He walked over to him and threw his arms over his shoulders.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” he whispered into his hair, closing his eyes, breathing him in.

Even eventually held him back, wrapping his arms around his waist hesitantly at first. But then he almost squeezed the air out of Isak’s lungs.

“Fuck. I missed you, too,” said Even.

When they pulled back, Even was no longer smiling.

“I’m sorry about that night. Emmanuel told me you stayed the next day. You didn’t have to,” he said.

“I know but I wanted to. I was worried about you.”

Even looked at him with wide and sad eyes. _Why is he so fucking sad._

“You were worried about me,” Even repeated. “Why? I thought you hated me.”

Isak looked at him long and hard and thought carefully about his answer.

“Uhm. Apparently, I get attached when someone fucks me good,” said Isak, face flushed.

He couldn’t believe he actually said it, but Even was now fighting a smile, so _what the hell._

“Oh my god, Isak. We’re at your workplace,” Even finally breaking into a grin, and Isak smiled back.

“That got you smiling. Good. Besides, no one understands Norwegian here. Don’t worry.”

Even looked speechless.

“I, Uh. I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. How have you been, Even?”

“I’m good. Better. I mean it’s been two weeks. What about you?”

“I’m fine. I have an actual friend and a fuckbuddy now. I mean we don’t actually have sex but whatever. He’s nice,” said Isak, without looking at Even.

Even tensed up but quickly drew another smile on his face..

“Uh. Good for you. Fuckbuddies are nice, I guess. Uhm. I’m actually here to take you up on your offer.”

“Huh?”

“I want to be your friend, Isak. Hell, I’ll even be your best friend.”

“Doubt you could beat Jonas,” said Isak.

“Jonas? Who? What?” Even scoffed. “I’m very competitive, Isak. I might surprise you.”

.

Even stayed for two hours, sprawled on the floor in one of the aisles, reading a massive anthropology book.

When Isak was done, they walked to a sushi place nearby and ordered two Bento boxes.

“So are you gonna tell me what you were on that night? Friends tell each other things,” said Isak casually, before shoving another piece of his california roll into his mouth.

“I don’t remember. I was fucked,” said Even.

“Where were you these past two weeks?”

“In bed.”

“Why?”

“I was depressed,” said Even, very casually.

“Uh. Okay,” Isak couldn’t help but look up from his food.

“I’m better now, though. This week is a good one I think.”

.

They didn’t talk about that night again. Instead, Even dragged him to the subway station and announced that they were going to Dumbo in Brooklyn.

“What the fuck, Even? It’s like an hour away.”

“So what? It’s a beautiful night. The downtown skyline probably looks gorgeous tonight,” said Even.

“It’s going to be full of tourists, ugh. I didn’t peg you as the cheesy type, Even.”

“What? Are you serious? I’m the most romantic guy in the world! **Romance is my second name**. I will show you.”

“I thought you were going to be my friend,” said Isak.

“Yeah, a friend who makes you walk along the Brooklyn Heights Promenade sometimes.”

.

Even was right. It was a beautiful night and the skyline looked gorgeous. Isak was embarrassed because he realized he had never been to Dumbo before. He had barely made it to the middle of the Brooklyn bridge before heading back to Manhattan.

“Rookie mistake,” said Even. “Everybody knows you start walking from the Brooklyn side. That way you walk towards the skyline and don’t have to turn around to take pictures.”

“I don’t want to take fucking pictures,” said Isak.

“I didn’t peg you as the grumpy type,” said Even, teasing, a huge smile on his face.

Isak stopped and scoffed.

“Grumpy? What? How dare you? Besides what do you know about me really, Even?”

The older boy turned around to face him, then leaned in to whisper in his ear.

“I know you think I fucked you good.”

Isak’s face flushed and he shoved Even’s chest.

“Fuck you. I knew you’d hold that against me. I only said that because I knew it would make you smile. Besides, you’re failing at this friend thing.”

But Even was too busy laughing, looking like the _freaking_ sun. And Isak was tired of the butterflies in his stomach.

_I do not have feelings for this guy._

.

They walked silently along the promenade as families and couples were taking pictures and selfies. Isak kept stealing glances while Even just looked at him the entire time, smiling.

“Even.”

“Hm?”

“Are you a drug addict?”

“What the fuck? No?”

“Okay. Good,” Isak sighed in relief.

“Why?”

“I just. You were so out of it that night. And when I think about it, the night I went back home with you the first time, you were kind of out of it, too. I thought it might be just who you are, but sometimes you seem so sad. I don’t know.”

“Isak,” Even stopped walking and leaned over the railing.

“Yes?”

“I wasn’t on drugs that night,” Even said before turning to look at Isak. “But I wasn’t myself either.”

“Okay,” said Isak.

“You know, I wish I had met you on a different night.”

“Why?”

Even took Isak’s hand and brushed his thumb over his knuckles.

_I don’t have feelings for this guy._

“I would have never slept with you on the first night. You were too vulnerable,” said Even.

Isak just stared at him with wide eyes, his heart beating fast and hard in chest.

“Uh, what the hell?” Isak managed.

_I don’t have fucking feelings for him._

“I would have taken my time. I would have gotten your number and tried to seduce you with my memes. By the way, some of the stuff you sent me was just awful,” Even _joked._

He joked, but Isak’s heartbeat wasn’t slowing and his breathing was growing rugged by the second.

“Uh, okay,” he replied, flustered and confused.

“Relax, Isak. I’m not making a pass at you. I’ll just be your friend like you suggested. I promise,” said Even.

_But._

“I’ll show the real New York, Isak. I’ll show you Brooklyn. I’ll show you Queens. I’ll show you the East Village. You’ll love it. There’s this mailing list you have to subscribe to. It’s the fucking best. It’s called ‘nonsense nyc’, and it always tells you where to go. And there’s like apps and stuff that tell you when something interesting is going on. And oh shit, Nitehawk cinema, we have to go! I think they’re screening Hitchcock films this week. I don’t know if you’re into that stuff but the cinema is the coolest. You can order beer and food and coffee. It’s the fucking best. Oh, what else, uhm,” Even finally paused. “Isak, are you okay?”

But Isak was not okay. He had no idea what was happening inside him, but he knew that he didn’t want to be friends with Even. He knew that the view was breathtaking, and that it was a nice April evening, and that Even looked gorgeous, and that he wanted to kiss him.

He wanted to kiss him, and not even in a sexual way. He just wanted to feel him, and breathe him in, and tell him that somehow, he had never been as intimate as he had with him. He wanted to tell him that he was ready to feel things, ready to revel in that intimacy he had craved his entire life but was so afraid to have.

Even had hurt him so deeply, but he also somehow made him realize that he was looking for intimacy and comfort in all the wrong places. Even was a bruised soul and Isak should have probably run as fast as he could the night he found him in that venue. But he didn’t want to. He just didn’t want to.

Isak didn’t know a _damn_ thing, but he was sure of one thing: he had never felt that way before.

“I’ve never felt like this before,” he blurted out under Even’s intense stare.

“What?”

“Even, I don’t know what to fucking do!” Isak almost yelled, clutching Even’s shirt.

The older boy looked at him fondly, the same way he had whenever he woke up in his bed. And Isak just stared back, with parted lips and a heart full of hope.

So when Even’s hand brushed against his cheek and then his jaw, Isak closed his eyes. And when Even leaned in and he could feel him breathing against his cheek, Isak closed the distance between them and pressed their lips together.

_Alright. I have feelings for this guy._

It felt like fireworks at the back of his mind, like a volcano erupting at the pit of his stomach. He wrapped his arms around Even’s neck and let him press him against the railing. They kissed the same way they had in Even’s bed when Isak had begged him to, slow and deep and personal. Blood was rushing to Isak’s face and he felt like he was floating.

Once again, he felt like they were in TV show. It was the end of the episode, epic music was playing in the background, and a panoramic shot of them with the New York Skyline as a backdrop was being taken. He reveled in it. He parted his lips and threaded his fingers in Even’s hair and enjoyed every single second.

_I don’t fucking care._

When they eventually pulled apart, all wrecked and disheveled with heaving chests and swollen lips, they just stared into each other’s eyes.

“I. I thought you wanted to be friends,” said Even.

“Yes,” Isak kissed him again. “Friends that do romantic shit and kiss sometimes.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. I just took a walk along the Brooklyn Heights Promenade and it was freezing. But anyways. Thank you guys so much for your continuous support <3  
> If this chapter made you feel something, leave a comment.  
> If you hate me, leave a comment as well haha.  
> \--  
> So what do you think about Isak's tendency to just forgive everything when it comes to Even?  
> What do you think about my boy Markus? LOL. I honestly based him on this person I know and also on Magnus <3\. Trying to make him just as golden.  
> What do you think about this whole friends ordeal?  
> Do you think Even is doing better?  
> How shitty are those dog memes honestly?  
> \--  
> Love you guyyysss <33


	6. Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alt er love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit late with this one, haha. Henrik's interview distracted me. oops.

**Washington Square Park, Manhattan. May**

_“I’m bipolar.”_

* * *

**Adrian**

(8:15 PM) where are u?

(8:20 PM) been waiting for like ages ur not comin?

(8:33 PM) u dITCHED ME????

(9:12 PM) sorry

(9:12 PM) im having bubbletea

(9:12) wtf isak

(9:12) im with Even

(9:13 PM) :O

(9:13 PM) ???? fkldfkdkl BITCH!

(9:14 PM) fuck you wow

(9:17 PM) u better sit on that dick tho

(9:17 PM) ur so grumpy lately

(9:18 PM) wtf???

(9:18 PM) bye

* * *

 

“Friends that do romantic shit and kiss sometimes.”

Isak didn’t even believe his own words. But Even’s eyes were sparkling and his lips were pink and puffy and right there, so _what the hell_. He would have said anything to kiss him again. And he did.

He ran his hands through his hair one more time before leaving them there, cradling his head and pulling him in for a not-so-friendly desperate kiss. Even groaned against his lips and Isak’s knees almost gave out.

_Fuck. Fucking hell. Shit._

The taller boy wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him even closer, almost lifting him off the ground.

Isak took what he could get. He had been wanting to kiss him for so long, that it all felt like yet another dream. Isak didn’t know when he’d get him this close again, so he gave it his everything. He pushed his tongue in and he let Even take, take, and take.

They kissed until Isak’s back felt numb from being pressed against the railing. They kissed until his knuckles went white from tugging Even’s hair. They kissed until Isak couldn’t help but moan his name “Even, Even, Even” at every flick of the tongue.

“Shit, baby.”

Even left his lips and started kissing his neck, as if they weren’t in public in one of the most densely populated attractions of New York City.

_I’d drop on my knees right here. I’d do anything. Anything._

“Even,” Isak pulled harder at his hair, and Even finally looked at him.

It was probably the most bizarre situation Isak had ever been in. There he was, beyond aroused, pressed against the railing at the Brooklyn Heights Promenade, thinking about dropping on his knees in front of his newest ‘friend’, completely out of breath and out of touch with reality.

“Do you have any idea what you do to me?” Even whispered, pressing their foreheads together.

Isak closed his eyes and breathed him in. Their noses touched and Isak felt like there was fire inside him.

“I’ve never felt like this before,” Isak repeated, eyes still closed.

They stayed like that for a few more minutes, not talking, not opening their eyes, just inhaling and exhaling until their breathing matched.

“So what now?” Isak whispered.

“Now. Now, we go for some bubble tea.”

.

They walked side by side to Vivi Bubble Tea in Court street and Isak’s face remained flushed the entire time.

“Uh, so what’s Bubble tea?” he asked.

“What?!” Even scoffed. “Are you serious, Isak?”

“Uh, yeah. Why?”

“Oh my god. There is so much to teach you, so much! Where do you eat, Isak?”

“What do you mean?”

“When you go out for food, where do you go?” said Even.

“I don’t know. Like Wendy’s or Taco Bell or something.”

Even looked at him in disbelief.

“This is unacceptable. This is New York City. There is so much food to try. This should be a crime!”

.

They had bubble tea and Isak hated it.

“I don’t like this.”

“Perhaps something’s wrong with your taste buds. I mean you do eat at Taco Bell so,” Even teased, and Isak rolled his eyes.

The older boy laughed then asked him to do it again.

“What?”

“Roll your eyes again. It’s cute,” said Even.

“You’re so weird,” said Isak, finally looking up from his phone.

Even looked at him with a curious expression, and Isak somehow felt like he had to explain.

“Uh, I’m texting Adrian. I forgot I was supposed to go to his place.”

“Oh, right. Adrian. He’s. Uh. Your friend?” Even’s voice was hesitant, careful.

“Yeah. He used to have a crush on me, but now he calls me ‘bitch’ so,” Isak laughed, but Even didn’t.

“He sounds nice,” he said.

“Uh, yeah. I mean he makes me watch shitty musicals to ‘educate me’. He also thinks I’m in love with you, and I think he likes my friend Mahdi like I was skyping with him once and Adrian literally went nuts. It was so funny.” But then Isak paused.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck fuck. Too much information. Shit._

When he looked at Even, his eyes were wide and his lips were no longer around the straw.

“Shit,” said Isak.

Even just kept looking at him with a dumbfounded expression.

_Say something._

“Don’t fucking panic. I’m not. It’s not like that. Haha. Adrian is just crazy. And, uh, besides, you and I are friends now.”

_What the fuck are you talking about._

“Don’t worry, Isak. I’m not panicking and I know you’re not in love with me,” said Even, suddenly breaking into a smile.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

.

They walked to Borough Hall station in awkward silence.

“Isak, what are you doing tomorrow?”

“I have class at 1 in the afternoon and I work at 3. Why?”

“There’s a cool exhibition on 11th street. I wanted to go after class. It starts at 7. What do you think?”

“Wow, you actually go to class?” Isak teased instead.

“Who do you think I am?” Even scoffed.

“I don’t know. Some 22 year old living off his daddy’s money.”

“First of all, I’m 23 now. My birthday was in February. Second, I do not live off my dad’s money, unless you’re referring to an actual sugar daddy which would be kinda nice right now.”

Isak’s eyes went wide.

“You’re so fucking weird, Even!”

“You love it.”

.

Isak ended up joining Even for his weird exhibition. He actually ran to the subway station when he got off work which was very embarrassing, but he didn’t want to be late.

The exhibition was called Millennials, and Isak didn’t understand a _damn_ thing.

“What the fuck is this, Even? They’re like actual people wearing weird shit.”

“That’s so rude, Isak. It’s called a performance installation. And these people repeat the same motions for 40 minutes. It’s a lot of work,” said Even.

“Whatever. They don’t even understand Norwegian,” said Isak, rolling his eyes. “I’m seriously freaking the fuck out though. This is so weird. I think that guy wearing the pizza box is glaring at me.”

Even looked at him, smiled, then ran his thumb over his cheek.

“Must be cause you’re cute.”

Isak shoved him, trying to stifle a smile.

“You’re so annoying, Even. Friends don’t tease their friends like this.”

“But I’m not teasing.”

.

“Why are you smiling so much?” said Jonas.

“I’m not smiling. What are you talking about?” Isak scoffed.

“Isak, bro, you’re smiling so hard, it’s fucking embarrassing. What’s up?”

“Nothing,” said Isak.

“I’m ending this skype convo.”

“Ugh, fine. Uh. Remember Even?”

“Isak, bro!”

.

Isak saw Even every single day that week. They went to Astoria and had greek food at Taverna Kyclades one night.

When Isak got Gigantes all over himself, Even laughed with so much life that he felt it in his bones. So when Even reached out to wipe some of it off his face, lingering a bit too long around his lips, Isak’s heart skipped a beat.

Even then paid for both of them, and Isak held his hand the entire way back to the subway station.

“Friends hold each other’s hands sometimes,” said Isak, face flushed, heart drumming in his ears.

“Yeah, friends hold each other’s hands sometimes,” said Even, lacing their fingers together.

.

They went to Central Park and tried to sneak into the open-air Delacorte Theater, only to get caught by security rather embarrassingly. They ran so fast that Isak thought his heart was going to leap out of his chest. But then Even was holding his hand and smiling and laughing. So Isak thought ‘ _What a wonderful way to die.’_

When they stopped to catch their breath and Even gently pushed him against a tree, Isak happily met him halfway for an open-mouthed kiss.

“It’s the adrenaline,” Even whispered against his lips.

“Yeah, that’s it. The adrenaline,” Isak panted before burying his hands in his ridiculous hair.

.

“Can you look at me when I’m talking Isak? Seriously, you’re rude,” said Markus.

“Sorry, please go on about this girl who went down on you at the party,” said Isak.

“Ok, so she was so fucking hot. Like she had the most gorgeous breasts. You have no idea!”

Isak looked at him, unimpressed, then turned his attention back to his phone.

“Fuck, I keep forgetting you’re not into tits,” said Markus. “By the way, how is it going with Adrian?”

“Uh, I haven’t seen him in a while,” said Isak.

“Bro, I know he sucks your dick sometimes.”

“Markus! What the fuck?!”

“What?”

“Ugh. We don’t even do that anymore,” said Isak.

“Why?”

Isak didn’t respond.

“Oh my god, is it the Norwegian giraffe dude?”

.

Isak patiently waited for Even in front of the NYU Maurice Kanbar Institute of Film and Television. And when the older boy lunged at him for a hug, he couldn’t help but melt into it.

“What are you doing here?” Even’s eyes were sparkling, _sparkling,_ and his smile was blinding. Isak was a mess.

“Uh, I thought I’d surprise you. You, uh, you always come visit me at Columbia, so you know. Friendships work both ways.”

“You’re so cute.” Even was smiling so wide, his eyes were crinkling.

“Shut up!”

.

Even took him to the Strand bookstore after that, and Isak took a picture of the “Refugees Welcome Here” sign on the door.

“What are we doing here?” Isak asked.

“Isak, this is an iconic bookstore. You cannot come all the way to this part of the East village and not go to the Strand.”

“Why is it iconic?”

“It’s been around since forever! 1926 or 1927 or something. And if you put all their books together, it’s 18 miles of books!” said Even.

Isak loved it so much when the older boy started talking about things he knew nothing about.

“Wait, how much is that in kilometers?” he asked.

“I don’t know. You’re the science major, Isak! But I’m guessing it’s a lot.”

They laughed, then Even got distracted by the New Arrivals while Isak looked at mugs and laughed at the puns. When they went to the third floor, Even drowned in some of the big oversized design books, and Isak just stared at him. Even was concentrated and frowning slightly. And Isak wanted that frown gone, so he reached out and ran his thumb between the older boy’s eyebrows.

Even looked at him with wide eyes for a moment, before he softened his gaze again. He immediately put the book down and wrapped his fingers around Isak’s wrist.

“What are you doing?” Even asked.

Isak was speechless at his own doings. _What the fuck. Control yourself._

“Uh, I don’t know,” he admitted.

Even leaned in and kissed him on the lips, right there in front of the Architecture section, a sweet and quick kiss.

“What are you doing?” Isak asked, his heart in his throat.

“I don’t know,” said Even, before deepening the kiss.

.

Isak eventually got overwhelmed by the number of people moving around them, so Even stopped kissing him.

_No._

But then Even grabbed his hand and dragged him to the stairs. They went all the way to the basement.

“Where are we going?”

“A more quiet place,” said Even.

The basement was just as full of books but there weren’t as many people. They walked past religion, philosophy, psychology, self-help, and then Isak stopped reading the signs because Even had him pressed against a wall, and his fingers were digging into waist.

Above them the words “ **Start with Doubt End with Certainty** ” were painted on the wall. Isak doubted everything, but he was certain that nothing would ever feel as good as Even grinding against him at that exact moment, lips softly but surely ruining him for anybody else.

“Even," he panted. "E-Even..”

“Yes, baby.”

“Even..”

“Hmm?”

“I want you so fucking bad. I want you so much,” Isak was flushed and panting against the wall.

“Baby, I don’t know if our friendship would survive,” Even whispered into his neck.

“Ugh. Shut the fuck up.”

And that’s the story of how Even got him off in the General Science section of the Strand Bookstore basement by barely shoving his hand down his jeans.

.

“He did fucking what?!” exclaimed Adrian.

“Shit, I just told you,” said Isak from his desk chair.

“Oh my fucking god. I’m so jealous, what the fuck? Where’s my dark knight who sucks me off in bookstores.”

“He did not do that! Shut up!” Isak’s face was flushed.

“Isak, why are you always embarrassed when it comes to sex? Relax, whatever.”

“I’m not!” Isak scoffed.

“Sure. So what happened afterwards? Did he pound you good into the mattress?”

“What the fuck? No?! I told you we’re like friends,” said Isak.

Adrian got up and threw his backpack over his shoulder.

“This is fucking bullshit! You dump be for this guy, and you’re telling me you’re not even fucking?!”

“Adrian, I didn’t fucking dump you! I just feel weird about our arrangement. I don’t know. I’m sorry,” said Isak.

“Anyways, this is boring. Don’t call me until you’ve fucked. Bye.”

Isak sighed and threw himself on his bed.

* * *

**Even Bech Næsheim**

00:21 AM

Can’t sleep

Miss you already

<3

doubt that's friendship

Ugh fuck off

<3333333333333333333

* * *

 

Isak couldn’t help it. He smiled until his cheeks hurt.

 

* * *

**Jonas Noah Vasquez**

06:12 AM

Isak! I’m calling you on Skype!!!!

Jonas it’s 6:12 wtf?

GET ON SKYPE

* * *

“Jonas, if this turns out to be about fucking Magnus finally getting some. I’m fucking hanging up right now,” said Isak.

“Nah bro.”

“What? What? Fuck, is it my mom? Jonas, did something happen to mom?!” Isak felt like his heart was about to stop.

“No, no, dude. Shit, relax. This is not about your mom.”

“Fuck. Okay. Okay,” Isak sighed in relief.

“Dude, you should talk to her by the way. But anyways. This is about your boy.”

“What?!”

“Okay, don’t get mad, but I fucked up. I tried to do some digging cause of the drug thing you said the other time, and fucking Vilde caught up cause she saw me talk to this dude who went to Bakka. Anyways.”

“Jonas, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Bro, let me finish! Okay, so Vilde found out that I was looking into Even. I felt stupid so I dropped it. But she didn’t. And I guess she found something.”

“What the fuck? Why would you do that? Are you fucking serious?”

“Isak, I was being dumb and I thought this drug addict dude was going to ruin your life and that I’d have to deal with that shit during my summer vacation.”

“What?”

“Fuck. Okay, so Magnus and I are planning on visiting you this summer. It was supposed to be a surprise but fuck it.”

“Whaaaat?” Isak didn’t know any other words all of a sudden.

“Not the point right now. Vilde found out stuff about Even and she’s probably going to tell you cause she’s Vilde, so I thought I’d warn you first. Yeah?” said Jonas.

Isak was confused. That was too much information to process.

“What do you mean she found out stuff about him? What is there to find out? This is weird. What the fuck? I don’t want to know gossip about him. If he wants me to know something, he’ll tell me.”

But before Jonas could say anything, his phone buzzed with a message from Vilde.

* * *

**Vilde Hellerud Lien**

(06:37 AM)

Hi Isak. Norway misses you. Not to gossip, but I thought I’d tell you since you have a thing with the guy who always likes our pictures of you.

I heard he has mental problems/is a psycho. I thought you would want to know. I’m telling you as a friend.

I hope you like New york.

* * *

“Jonas, what the fuck is this?”

Isak felt tears in his eyes.

“Shit, bro. I thought maybe he told you.”

“What the fuck?”

“Uh, I heard he’s bipolar. You know like Magnus’ mom.”

.

Isak couldn’t eat breakfast that day. And he couldn’t eat lunch either. Everything hurt and he felt like the universe had been mocking him the entire time.

_“In bed. I was depressed. This week is a good one I think. I wasn’t myself that night. I wish I had met you on a different night. You make me want to get better. I’m fucked in the head. I’m naturally fucked up. No one will ever love me.”_

After reading about bipolar disorder during his chemistry lecture, Isak took a break and cried in the restrooms for a good 10 minutes.

_I’m so fucking stupid._

Isak knew Magnus’ mother. He knew her and he truly adored her. She was one of the brightest and funniest people he knew. But he didn’t know much about the disorder. All he knew was that he had literally crossed the globe to avoid dealing with his own mother’s condition.

_The universe is taking a piss on me._

* * *

**Even Bech Næsheim**

3:42 PM

I’m kidnapping you for a movie!

Nitehawk 19:00?

4:12 PM

Isak?

Can we do this another day?

Im swamped with work today :)

Ok

<3

* * *

 

Isak stared at his phone and sighed. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t even know if any of what they had was real. He turned to google, but it just made things worse.

 

* * *

  **Magnus Fossbakken**

06:20 PM

Mags! You here?

Yo bro wtf you dont answer in the groupchat

Yeah im sorry

I have a question

Jonas told me he ruined our new york surprise wtf

what?

How does bipolar work   
like with relationships?

Wtf?

I know someone who’s bipolar but  
like when they do things, is it real?

Wtf are you talking about?

Shit. i dont know. I have a thing with this guy  
who’s bipolar and idk if it’s real

Magnus?

??

A thing???

You’re fucking gay?????

Fucking shit

Wait are u really gay??? Oh my god

I have to call jonas

magnus

everybody fucking knows already

just answer my question

Whaaaat???

mags seriously

when did u meet this guy

January

What????

Is that a bad thing?

you’VE BEEN GAY SINCE JANUARY AND YOU DIDNT TELL ME?

For fUCKS SAKE

No it’s not a bad thing! That’s like 5 months ago bro

He’s probably gone through ups and downs but

Mania only increases the intensity of things i dont know

If it wasnt real he would have moved on after an episode

An episode?

Isak just fucking google this shit seriously

Ok takk

I cant believe you’re gay

Is this a prank?

is this what they call a coming out?

Can we skype??

bye

* * *

**Even Bech Næsheim**

10:23 AM

Havent seen you in 2 days

I feel weird

Are you okay?

Yeaah

Just work

Ok

You sure we’re still friends?

Yup

The best

:’)

* * *

Isak tried to busy himself with work, but by the end of the day, all his insecurities came rushing to the surface. He felt terrible for avoiding Even, but mostly restless and insecure.

_Why didn’t he tell me. I don’t know what to do._

Isak flopped on his stomach in his bed, and stared at his phone when a post caught his attention on his facebook news feed.

* * *

_Shit. Did he just._

* * *

**Even Bech Næsheim**

06:13 PM

Where are you?

Class. Im done at 7.

Why?

I’ll wait for you near the sushi place

we went to the other day

Forgot the name

Ramen Takumi?

Yeah

* * *

When Even saw him, his entire face broke into a giant smile and Isak realized just how much he had missed him.

“I missed you,” he blurted out.

“I missed you, too. Thought you got sick of our friendship already,” said Even, pulling him into a hug. “What’s up?”

“I, I just wanted to see you,” said Isak.

“Okay. Is everything okay?” Even looked concerned.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry.”

.

They walked to Washington Square Park and watched two guys play the piano. They climbed over the fountain edge to get a better view, and Even sat on one of the elevated posts. Their faces were now on the same level, and Isak was tempted to move between his legs.

“How did they drag this piano, here?” said Isak.

“It has wheels. But yeah that looks like a lot of work. Sometimes, people play the drums here, too,” said Even.

“I see.”

“Isak.”

“Hm?

“What’s wrong?” said Even.

“Uh, nothing.”

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

“That’s not true,” Isak jumped.

“Okay.” Even ran a hand through Isak’s hair, making him turn around and face him. “I believe you.”

Isak’s heart clenched again. He had been avoiding Even. That was a fact. He avoided him because he had no idea how to deal with the information that was dropped on him. He didn’t know if Even was okay, if he was manic or depressed or somewhere in between. He didn’t know if he was taking any medication. He didn’t know if he was good for him. He didn’t know what this thing they had was. He didn’t know if any of it was real.

But how could he doubt it when Even looked at him like that, like he was the only thing that mattered, like he didn’t want to look at anything else ever again. How could he doubt it when Even took a freaking picture of the place where he had made him moan in a bookstore and posted it on his Facebook.

Isak took Even's hand and moved so that he was standing between his legs. The older boy actually gasped.

“Isak?”

“I want to kiss you,” he said.

And he did. Isak leaned forward and kissed him, still holding his hand. He kissed him on the edge of the Washington Square Park fountain, like a cheesy sap from a really pompous romantic comedy.

Some guys were playing the piano in the background, and Isak was reveling in this new angle. He didn’t have to look up or get on his tiptoes. He just pushed and Even met him halfway.

When Even brought his hands to his face, Isak moved closer between his legs and deepened their kiss.

But then Even pulled back and pressed their foreheads together.

“Wait, wait,” he breathed.

“What?” said Isak. “What is it?”

“I have to tell you something,” said Even. 

“Hm?”

Even stared into his eyes and Isak could see that he was terrified. He looked small and sad, and Isak just wanted him to smile again.

“What is it, baby?” said Isak, a blush creeping its way to his cheeks.

Even smiled.

“Oh my god, you’re distracting me,” he said.

“What? Because I said baby?” Isak teased.

“Isak, I’m really trying to say something here,” said Even, still trying to stifle his smile.

“Okay, I’m listening.”

Even took a huge breath then kissed him again, very hard and desperate, as if it was the last time he was going to be allowed to kiss him.

“Even, you’re killing me, what-”

“I’m bipolar,” he blurted out.

Isak just stared.

“Shit. Shit. Fuck.” Even was panicking. “By the way, this is the part where you run away, Isak. I won’t even blame you, I swear. Just be careful climbing down cause you might fall. I fell once coming down of here and it was really fucking embarrassing. Some people actually laughed at me. Like can you believe-”

Even paused and finally looked at Isak, Isak whose heart was so full and so heavy in his chest, he thought it might actually fall out of his body.

When Isak brought both hands to Even’s face, the older boy leaned into his touch. And when he gently stroked his cheekbones, Even’s eyes started filling up with tears.

“Shit. Isak, say something”

But Isak didn’t know what to say so he just kept on touching his face, wiping away that one perfect tear that made it past his eyes.

“Isak, I don’t know if you heard me. I’m bipolar. I’m mentally ill. I’m fucked up. I just had to tell you because this is getting too much, and I don’t know when I’ll go fucking manic again. And friends tell each other things right? You should just go. I’m really bad for you. My second name is **trouble** , not romance. Romance is probably my third. I tried to stay away but fucking look at me,” the older boy laughed but there was no humor behind it.

“Even,” Isak finally breathed.

“Yes?” Even's eyes were big and teary and sad. 

_"_ _Everybody fucking leaves me."_ _How much pain have you gone through for your eyes to look this sad._

“Even,” Isak repeated.

“Yes, yes, Isak?” Even's breathing was rugged and he looked like he was about to break down. 

_"No one will ever love me."_ _Somebody loves you._

“I’m not going anywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for you comments, kudos, anon messages, and asks on tumblr. Means sO MUCH <3333.  
> Hope you enjoyed this or felt things. haha  
> THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT <3333  
> .  
> WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MAGNUS AND JONAS VISITING ISAK IN NEW YORK CITY? haaaaa. Yes it's happening.  
> EDIT: Thank you for your recs :O yessss to food joints yes yes yes. Also thank you for leaving me song recs. I have this epic Evak playlist I listen to when I write and I love adding songs to it. Should I rec that?  
> Song for this chapter:   
> Nothing but Thieves - If I Get High


	7. Isaac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Isaac' and 'Evan' do friendly things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now Playing: Cashmere Cat - Wild Love  
> Haven't updated in 2 days and my ask box is going crazy haha. You guys are awesome <3  
> Sorry for the wait. A huge problem in my life just got resolved, so I was out crying and celebrating lol. Love u guys.  
> Warning: lots and lots of dialogue and feelings.

**Williamsburg, Brooklyn - June**

_“Look at me, Isak. Look at what you did to me.”_

.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Even stared at Isak as if he were speaking in a foreign language.

“What?” he finally said.

“I’m not leaving, Even. I’m not running or whatever. I don’t care,” said Isak.

“What are you talking about? I just told you I’m-”

“You’re bipolar. Yes, I heard you,” Isak said, running a hand across his cheek. “But what kind of fucking friend would I be if I ran because of that?”

“Isak, I don’t think you understand. It’s not cute or quirky. It gets really fucking ugly. I lose all control. I’m going to fucking hurt you.” Even was clutching Isak’s shirt.

“I don’t fucking care. I have thick skin.”

Even looked at the floor, defeated.

“I just don’t want to hurt you,” Even whispered.

“You won’t. Friends don’t hurt each other.”

Isak was _so full of shit._ He knew it and Even knew it, but here they were.

He wanted to add that he already knew, that he didn’t want to find out from someone else but that it just turned out that way.

But Even was still clutching his shirt and another tear was rolling down his cheek. So Isak wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pulled him into his chest. Even hugged his waist and breathed against his collarbones.

“You’re okay. We’re going to be okay,” whispered Isak into his hair.

“I can’t lose you. I can’t.”

_You won’t._

.

Even’s feet reached the ground first, and when he extended a hand to Isak who was still on the fountain edge, the younger boy took it and never let go. They walked silently to Union Square, hands clasped together.

They never talked about where they were going, but they both navigated to the L train without speaking.

Isak’s head started spinning once they were inside the overcrowded train. The last time he had taken it, his back was pressed against the door and Even was licking into his mouth. He couldn’t help but blush at the memory. So when Even smiled at him, he smiled back.

They were standing in the middle of the car, pressed against random people, and Isak kept bumping into everyone around him whenever the train stopped or moved. So Even put both of his hands on his waist and Isak’s eyes went wide.

“You’ve been in the city for five months and you still can’t keep your balance in the subway. It’s embarrassing, Isak,” he said.

“Excuse me,” Isak scoffed. “I’m the master of holding my balance!”

“Yeah right,” said Even in English, teasing and flashing him that smile that made Isak want to set himself on fire.

_Don’t ever stop smiling please._

“How dare you undermine my balancing skills?” Isak continued, just as the train was making another stop.

Isak’s face almost got shoved into some girl’s hair if it weren’t for Even’s fingers digging into his skin through his shirt, right above his hips.

“You were saying?” said Even, his eyes bright and his smile wide.

“Shit. I got distracted for a second, uh. I wasn’t paying attention,” Isak stuttered.

Even just laughed. “You’re cute.”

“Shut up.”

He kept his hands right there on Isak’s hips. And by the time the train left 1st Avenue, they were hugging. Even’s arms were around Isak’s waist and his head in the crook of his neck. They just stood there with all the people around them, arms wrapped around each other at rush hour. He knew that despite the teasing, Even was still emotional from their earlier conversation. Isak’s own heart was still beating uncontrollably. So he hugged him tighter than he ever hugged anyone before.  

_I got you._

.

When they got to Williamsburg, Even took them to Two Boots for pizza on Driggs Avenue.

“I love this place. They name pizzas after famous movies, TV shows, and iconic pop-culture and indie stuff. There are five more I think around the city,” said Even.

The place was quirky but Isak had no idea what to order.

“What’s Mr. Pink?” he asked.

“It’s buffalo chicken pizza or something. Mr. Pink is one of the guys from Reservoir Dogs,” replied Even.

“I have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“Reservoir Dogs?! Tarantino? Isak, are you kidding me?”

.

They ordered two slices each that were called ‘The Dude’ and ‘The Newman’.

_“You’ve never watched the Big Lebowski? Who even are you Isak Valtersen?”._

Isak enjoyed the pizza, but he enjoyed watching Even smile and talk about all these things he knew nothing about more. He knew that at some point they would have to talk about Even’s condition again and about Isak’s apparent immediate acceptance of it. So he let the easy moments stretch out a little longer.

“Yeah, so I ran away from the police and jumped on Jonas’s bike. I still can’t believe I didn’t get arrested for the weed though,” said Isak.

“Woah, who would have thought you were a little delinquent in high school?”

“Excuse me! I was so wild at Nissen. I was in a fight once. This guy smashed a bottle on this other guy’s head. It was fucking insane,” said Isak.

“Wow. You never cease to impress me. Do you have more stories for me?”

“Why? You’re gonna use them in your movies?”

“Yes, I’m making a movie about you. Didn’t you know?” said Even.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, do you want to know what it’s called?”

“Uh, what?” said Isak.

“The boy who couldn’t keep his balance on the L train.”

Isak shoved him. “Ugh.”

.

They walked to the Williamsburg waterfront pier, side by side. The East river [ skyline ](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/39/de/7f/39de7ff05d9d65301f132ba5f2aa096a.jpg)view was breathtaking.

“Wow,” said Isak.

“It’s beautiful. Isn’t it?”

“I’ve never been here before. I didn’t know this place existed.”

“I kind of guessed. I’ll have to drag you to Smorgasburg someday. The best food you’ll ever have,” said Even.

“What’s that?”

“It’s an outdoor foodie market one block away. It takes place every Saturday. You’ll love it.”

“Uh. So this Saturday then?” said Isak, face slightly flushing.

“This Saturday then,” said Even, taking his hand, and smiling.

_Don’t ever stop smiling please._

Isak must have stared at him for far too long, because Even was now laughing.

“The view is over there, Isak.”

But the younger boy was feeling braver for some reason.

Yes, the view was breathtaking. The sun was almost setting and the weather was perfect. They were both wearing white t-shirts, although Isak had managed to get Pepperoni all over his at Two Boots. There was just enough wind for it be breezy and nice, and there were only about five other people on the pier. But to be completely honest, Isak did not even care. So he squeezed Even’s hand and finally spoke.

“No. The view is over here.”

_Wow, so cheesy._

Even laughed again, then put his other hand on the back of Isak’s neck, pressing their lips together.

They kissed softly, Even nibbling at Isak’s bottom lip and threading his fingers through his hair, while Isak held his shirt and took what he could get. The wind was blowing and it was nice, so nice.

But something started screaming at the back of his mind, so he suddenly pulled back.

“Wait, Even. I,” Isak placed one hand on his chest.

“What, what is it?”

“I. Uh. I already knew.”

“What?”

“I already knew that you’re bipolar. Someone back home told me. I, uh. That’s why I’ve been so weird lately. You should know.”

“Oh,” Even’s eyes went wide. “Uh, I see.”

“I didn’t try to look into you or anything. I didn’t even want to know. They just told me. I promise,” Isak said.

“I believe you. I knew this shit would follow me everywhere I go,” Even sighed. “Fuck.”

He let go of Isak and turned to the railing, his head low.

“Hey. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I just. I freaked out. I didn’t know if. Uh. If it’s real? I just. Google is very scary. I’m sorry,” Isak was almost stuttering.

“It’s okay. I don’t blame you. I’m surprised you didn’t cut ties with me to be honest.”

“I wouldn’t do that. I just needed time to think. I mean I didn’t even know if you really, uh, like if our _friendship_ is real,” Isak said, punching himself mentally.

Even suddenly turned around and took Isak’s face in his hands. His stare was so intense that the younger boy could feel it piercing through him.

“Isak, I’ve never felt anything like this, ever! If I can promise you anything, it’s this. I know that I’m fucked up half the time, but I know this. I know what I’m feeling. It’s real. It’s fucking real, okay? Don’t ever doubt that.”

“Uh, okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

.

When Isak left Even’s room to use the bathroom, Emmanuel was there.

“Oh, Isaac. you’re back,” he said.

“Uh, yeah. Hi!” said Isak.

“So you’re like hanging out now?”

“Yeah, we’re uh friends,” said Isak.

“Dude, no offense, but you’re wearing Even’s clothes.”

“Uh, I got pizza all over myself earlier,” said Isak.

“Sure Jan.”

Isak’s face flushed just in time for Even to come to the rescue.

“Yes dad. We’re friends who wear each other’s clothes and kiss sometimes,” said Even. “And his name is Isak, not Isaac.”

Emmanuel laughed.

.

“I like seeing you in my clothes,” said Even.

He was sprawled on the bed when Isak got back to the room.

“Shut up.”

“I really really like it. Please only wear my shit from now on.”

“You’re so annoying,” said Isak, rolling his eyes.

“Hmm, I like it when you do that, too.”

Even dragged him by the waist into the bed, and soon Isak was sitting on his lap.

“Are you sure you have to go?”

“Even, I have class at 9 tomorrow,” said Isak, his head spinning slightly at their seating arrangement.

“Don’t go,” said Even, squeezing his sides.

“It’s going to take me forever to get all the way to Harlem.”

“We’ll wake up at 6 and I’ll even make you breakfast,” said Even, kissing his neck.

_Shit._

“I hate waking up early,” Isak replied in a weak voice.

“I’ll make it worth the effort.”

Even started sucking a bruise in his neck, and Isak’s chest started heaving.

_Fuck._

“I’m going to miss class,” he said, threading his fingers in the older boy’s hair.

Even’s hands had made their way under his shirt and his fingers were digging into Isak’s skin.

“Baby, fuck class,” said Even, licking a stripe along his neck and making Isak throw his head backwards and moan.

“Ugh, yeah okay, fuck class,” said Isak, pushing Even on his back and straddling him properly.

“Fuck yes.”

Isak placed his hands on Even’s neck and took his upper lip between his own. He kissed him hard, so hard that Even moaned.

“Oh my god.”

“Shut up, Even. Just shut up.”  

Isak bit his upper lip softly and started grinding against him.

“Shit, baby.”

“I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” said Isak against his lips.

“Isak, you’re killing me.”

“I want to make you feel good. Let me make you feel good.”

“Baby, you can do whatever the fuck you want to me,” said Even.

“Okay, good. Cause I want to suck you off.”

Even’s eyes went wide.

“Isak.”

“Shut up,” he said as he moved down along his legs.

“You don’t have to do that,” said Even, weakly.

“I want to.”

So Even threw his head backwards as Isak lowered his pants and took him into his mouth.

“Shit.”

.

“I can’t believe I almost let you leave,” said Even.

“Ugh.”

“How did you learn to do that? I think that was by far the best blowjob I’ve ever gotten.”

“Shut up,” said Isak from where he was pressed against Even’s chest, blushing.

“Are you seriously embarrassed right now? I can’t believe you. You’re so cute.”

“Ugh.”

“Why won’t you let me return the favor?”

“I just want to cuddle,” said Isak.

He was lying. He was so aroused, he could easily make a mess in his pants by simply grinding against the other boy.

But he didn’t want Even to do him any favors. Yes, they were smiling and teasing each other, but he knew that the entire evening had been emotional for the older boy. He knew it because Even almost cried when Isak kissed him after he climbed back from between his legs. He knew it because Even didn’t want to let go when they hugged. So yes. He just wanted to cuddle.

“We can cuddle,” said Even.

.

“Even, were you manic the night we met?”

“Yes, but it wasn’t pure mania. That didn’t come until after,” said Even, without even pausing to think about it.

“What do you mean?”

“I saw you in the crowd and I knew I wanted you. I took you home and it went downhill after that,” said Even.

“I don’t get it.”

“Hm. Let’s say that I was on a high that night, but when you left I kind of went off the rails. I went after you and I was totally naked. If it weren’t for Sophie, I would have gotten arrested.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah. Uh. I don’t know. I picked up some drugs at a club after that, and did some random shit, and ended up in the ER. It cost me a leg. Our school insurance only covered 40% of that, can you believe it? This country is fucking insane.”

“Even.”

“I’m sorry if I’m scaring you. I was off my meds then. Honestly, I stopped taking my meds altogether. I didn’t think it was worth it. I was just so tired. But after you found me at the House of Yes, I was depressed for like three weeks. I couldn't do shit. I was paralyzed. I couldn’t do it anymore, so I got a fucking expensive appointment and they adjusted my dosage or something. I just really want to get better. I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I never tell anyone this stuff.”

“You can tell me anything,” said Isak.

Even pulled him closer into his chest.

“Isak, you once asked me about what makes you an exception. Why I went after you.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“It’s fucking stupid but -” Even paused.

“But what?”

“You, you asked me for my last name. I mean who does that? No one ever gave a fuck about me or about my last name. People called me Evan or their ex’s name or something. No one ever cared. They just saw me as this sexual fantasy thing. People come and go, you know. You have sex and that’s it. And don’t get me wrong, I was fine with that. Like, that’s exactly what I was after. People never stick around when I go fucking nuts or when I’m down anyways. So it’s good for both parties. But I don’t know. You fucking killed me.”

Isak stayed silent, absorbing all of that information, staring into Even’s eyes.

“I. What do you mean?” he finally asked.

“Isak, do you have any idea how beautiful you are? I just. You were right there in my bed, crying, with your face all red. I couldn’t get over it. You were asking for more but you kept crying all night. And the bruises, fucking hell. Who the fuck did that to you? It drove me insane. I don’t know. I just wanted to protect you. But at the same time I couldn’t stop touching you and I just wanted to be inside you because I was on such a fucking high. I can’t explain it. I hated myself for sleeping with you and for hurting you that morning. I just felt like I took advantage of you. I don’t know. I felt like we were so similar, and that I did to you what other people do to me. I’m really sorry. Fuck, I need to stop talking.”

Isak buried his face in Even’s shirt, trying to hold back tears.

_Fuck. Just fuck. You can’t say shit like this._

So Even hugged him, and they slept until 6 o’clock.

.

Isak made it to class and to every other class that week. He either ran to Even’s after work, or Even came up to his.

The first time the older boy came to his apartment, Isak was beyond nervous. John was there and he was shocked when Even leaned in to kiss his hair by the door.

“Hi, I’m Even. Nice to meet you. I’m Isak’s friend.”

“Uh, hi man. I’m John.”

“Isak tells me you make awesome food. You’ll have to teach me some of your tricks.”

“Sure dude.”

.

“Oh my god, I forgot today was John’s day off. Fuck,” said Isak throwing himself on his twin bed.

Even stood by the door.

“Hmm, cozy.”

“Not everyone can afford a queen bed in freaking Williamsburg,” said Isak.

“You can just move in with me if you like my place that much, you know.”

“Even.”

“What?”

“Friends don’t move in with each other,” said Isak.

“Hmm. Friends don’t suck each other off either, but here we are,” said Even with a grin.

“Ugh. Fuck you.”

“I wish.”

.

They made out for hours until Isak couldn’t take it anymore so Even had to take care of him.

“John will fucking hear.”

“Who cares.”

.

Markus and Even’s first actual meeting was a disaster.

“Holy shit, you’re that guy. The facebook guy,” said Markus.

“That would be me. And you are?”

“What? Isak, you didn’t tell him about me?”

“Fucking shit.”

“Are you Adrian?” said Even.

“What?! You told him about Adrian and not me?”

“I’m joking,” said Even, with a smile. “You must be the famous Markus.”

“Ha! You were joking? What the fuck man. Yeah, I’m Markus. Good to finally meet you.”

“Yeah, you too. Isak only ever says nice things about you.”

_That’s a fucking lie._

“Stop it! Man, I saw you that night you were fucked up in Bushwick. But you’re a total hottie when you’re sober,” said Markus.

Isak was facepalming and thinking of ways to end this accidental meeting.

Even must have read his mind because he suddenly interrupted Markus who was talking about how ‘ _embarrassing Isak was when he was pining’._

“Hey dude, it was awesome bumping into you. Isak and I were actually going somewhere. But we should go for Tacos sometimes, yeah?” said Even.

“Oh, yeah totally. I fucking love tacos!”

.

Somehow, Even’s meeting with Adrian was even more awkward.

Even was straddling Isak and kissing his neck when Adrian opened the bedroom door.

“Wow, what the fuck! Shit,” the younger boy quickly closed it and started laughing in the living room/

When Isak reopened the door, his face was completely flushed and he was mortified.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Oh my god, I can’t. Your face!” Adrian was still laughing.

But then Isak felt Even’s body behind his as he placed one arm on the doorframe and leaned into it.

“Hi! I’m Even.”

Adrian stopped laughing immediately, his mouth gaping slightly. It was Isak’s turn to laugh.

“Oh my god. Holy shit. He’s so fucking hot. Isak, what the fuck,” said Adrian.

Even laughed and threw a hand between them. Adrian took it and shook it for far too long.

“You’re fucking hot, too,” said Even with a smile.

Adrian was blushing and Isak was suddenly annoyed. He couldn’t help but frown.

“How did you get in here?” he asked.

“Uh, Dan opened the door for me. I just wanted to return your shirt. You left it at my place a while ago,” said Adrian, still staring at Even.

Even’s hand was suddenly on Isak’s hip, gripping.

“Uh, thanks,” said Isak taking the shirt from the younger boy’s hands.

“Yeah sure. I’m gonna go now.”

Adrian left the apartment and Isak could hear him squealing in the hallway.

When he turned around to face Even, his eyes were dark and his stare was intense.

“What?”

“He calls you **Isaac**. Is that one of your kinks?” said Even.

“Call me Isaac one more time and I’ll kick you out right the fuck now.”

“Fine. He’s cute though. You left your shirt at his place?”

“Are you jealous?”

“I don’t know. I think so?”

“Yeah?” said Isak, smiling.

“Yeah. I’m going to suck you off now.”

.

May was a good month to Isak. Even took them on a cycling day trip to Palisades Park in New Jersey. They rented two bikes for a couple of hours but Isak kept stopping and complaining because he couldn’t hear what Even was saying. So they returned one of the bikes, and Isak rode on the back of Even’s, arms wrapped around his waist as Even talked about some pretentious movie. The sun was shining and the views were amazing and Isak was happy, so happy.

“Did you know that May is the national bike month?” said Even.

“No.”

“What do you actually know, **Isaac**?”

“I know I’m going to punch you if you don’t stop calling me fucking Isaac and making fun of me.”

“What?” Even scoffed. “I’m just teasing. You know you’re the smartest person I know, right?”

“Whatever, **Evan** ,” said Isak.

“Evan?! Now that’s just rude.”

It was nice, so nice. They returned the bike and made out under a tree for an hour.

“I can’t believe I have you, sometimes,” said Even after pressing their foreheads together.

_You’re everything to me._

.

Isak called his mom on the American Mother’s day, and it was nice. He only cried twice and she didn’t even notice. He was glad she was doing okay.

He was sad for the rest of the day though, as his guilt became crippling.

“What’s wrong?” said Even.

They were having ice cream at Big Gay Ice Cream in the West Village, sitting on the bench outside the store. _“Big Gay Ice Cream? Are you kidding me, Even?”_

“Nothing,” said Isak.

“Isak.”

“Ugh, it’s mother’s day in the US, okay?”

“Hm?”

“I called my mom. And now I feel like shit,” said Isak.

“Why?”

“Cause I left her. We’re not on good terms. She’s super religious and she’s, uh. She’s mentally ill. And my dad left us. And I left too, because I was so sad and she couldn’t even recognize me sometimes.”

Even stayed silent next to him.

“I just feel like shit for leaving, you know. She’s my mom and I just fucking left.”

“What’s her diagnosis?” said Even.

“I don’t even really know? What kind of fucking son am I? Just.”

“Hey, it’s okay. We all fuck up sometimes. But you can still fix things. It’s not too late,” said Even, a hand in Isak’s hair.

“You’re not mad?”

“Isak, why would I be mad?”

“Cause I didn’t tell you about my mom?”

“You’re telling me now. It’s okay,” said Even. "I didn't know you had it this tough. I'm sorry." 

"What are you sorry for? What the hell?"

Even kept playing with Isak's hair until the guilt dissipated and he curled against his side.

.

The spring semester was ending, and Isak got a job at one of the labs at Columbia. He wasn’t exactly excited for it, but he was allowed to work full-time and he was making more money. And more money meant more weird things with Even, and treating Jonas and Magnus when they would show up in August.

“I think you’ll love Jonas and Magnus. Magnus can say the dumbest shit sometimes but he’s really funny,” said Isak before biting into his ramen burger.

Even reached out and wiped some of the sauce off the corner of his mouth.

“Hm. I’m still bitter over being second to this Jonas dude,” said Even.

Isak rolled his eyes.

“I’ve known Jonas my whole life. You don’t become someone’s bestfriend in a couple of months, Even.”

“Whatever, **Isaac.** Let’s go have some Karaage,” said Even, dragging him by the hand.

“I’m going to kill you.”

It was four in the afternoon in June, and they were at [Smorgasburg](http://3av1lj34qjkt1gbaoy39pblm.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/JvP_092714_0497_print.jpg), eating and almost moaning into their food. Even was wearing a white t-shirt, black sunglasses, and those jeans that Isak loved so much. He was dying inside.

They were standing by the rocks admiring the view of the East River skyline when Isak felt the urge to kiss him. So he did.

“Hmm. What was that for?” said Even.

“I don’t know. You look really fucking hot right now.”

Even stared at him with wide eyes.

“What? A compliment in broad daylight?” Even scoffed.

“Shut up. I’m serious.”

Even kissed him again. And when Isak tried to wrap his arms around his neck, the older boy shoved him.

“What?”

“Say I’m your bestfriend,” said Even.

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Say it or no kisses for you.”

“Even, you realize bestfriends don’t make out, right?” said Isak.

“I don’t care. Say it.”

“No,” said Isak, with a smile.

“You don’t want me to kiss you?!” said Even, in disbelief.

Isak stood a little closer, then leaned in to whisper in his ear.

“No, I want you to fuck me.”

Even dropped his stuffed kimchi pancake on the floor and just stared at Isak who was grinning.

“Are you gonna get that? Littering isn’t nice,” Isak added, still grinning.

“Oh my god, Isak,” said Even as he crouched to pick up the food. “Fucking hell, I can’t believe I have to walk home with a hard-on now.”

“Good. Cause I’m serious,” said Isak.

“What?”

“Jesus, do I need to shout it? I. want. you. inside. me. now.”

.

They ran like idiots across Williamsburg hand in hand, not even feeling bad for wasting perfectly good food.

When they got to Even’s apartment, the older boy pushed him hard against the wall while Isak pulled his hair until he moaned. Their kisses were openmouthed and sloppy and wet and all tongue. They were panting and growing more and more uncomfortable in their pants. So Isak brought a hand down and grabbed Even over his jeans, making him gasp.

“Shit, baby. Eager much?”

“Shut the fuck up, Even. I’ve been waiting for this for five fucking months.”

“Oh my god. Let’s go to my room before I take you right here on the kitchen table.”

“Shit.”

.

The moment they got to his room, Isak’s shirt hit the floor and Even’s back hit the mattress as the younger boy all but shoved him on the bed.

“You’re killing me. All feisty like this,” said Even.

“I fucking love these jeans on you, baby, but they gotta go.”

“Baby? Ugh, Isak. I won’t fucking last if you keep saying shit like this.”

“Shut up, Even.”

.

Even’s hands were between his legs, his face was flushed, and his chest was heaving.

“Fucking hell, Even,” Isak moaned. “Do I have to beg?”

“Fuck baby, I can’t get over how pretty you look like this.”

Isak arched his back and pushed against his fingers.

“I fucking hate you,” he moaned. “Even, please. Please please please.”

“Oh my god, look at you. I’m dying.”

“No. I’m the one who’s dying right now. Shit. Can you fuck me already. I’m about to -”

But Even’s lips were on his and his hands were all over his body. There was fire inside Isak’s chest and butterflies in his stomach, and he melted into the other boy.

It felt as if they were back to that cold night in January, except the sun was still shining outside, and it wasn’t cold at all.

Their bodies became one and Even’s eyes were dark, dark, dark.

Isak moaned and cried again, and Even kissed his tears away and soothed, and soothed, and soothed.

“So fucking hot. You’re so fucking hot, Isak,” he repeated.

“Ugh, yes, yes,” Isak moaned, throwing his head backwards, and gripping the sheets.

“No, baby, look at me. Open your eyes. Look at me. Look at what you did to me. Look what you do to me, baby.”

Isak opened his eyes and looked at a disheveled and flushed Even. He was sweating and his hair was damp, so Isak shoved a hand in it and pulled him down for a kiss.

“Kiss me. Kiss me,” he moaned.

They kissed and moaned as Even pushed into him while he was falling into a whirlpool of bright lights and strong colors and Even, Even, Even.

“Even, you feel so fucking good,” he moaned.

“Baby.”

“Even, please.”

“You’re killing me.”

Isak wrapped his hands around Even’s neck so that he could look at him, Even who looked completely spent and wrecked and who setting fire to his insides. Isak had never seen anything nearly as beautiful, and his head was spinning so fast, so fast.

“You’re so fucking hot, Even,” Isak cried as he dug his fingers into the older boy's back. “I love you. I love you so much. So fucking much.”

Even stopped pushing into him, and his eyes went wide, too wide.

“Isak..”

“Don’t stop. Please don’t stop. Even, Please.”

"I.."

"Please!"

So Even didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol sorry for the wait I'm???? don't hate me please  
> .  
> Jonas and Magnus coming soon  
> .  
> What do you think of their 'friendship' so far? lol  
> .  
> I'm trying to link some of the nyc locations I mention in the fic. Should I keep doing that? (SMORGASBURG IS MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT SUMMER)  
> .  
> Some of you left me song recs and omg it made my entire day. Leave me songs <3333 I loved listening to '1000x' by Jarryd James and Broods while writing.  
> Thank you for your support and messages honestly. You guys are the sweetest <33333


	8. Golden Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You never told me."  
> "You never asked."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry.  
> .  
> Track for this chapter:  
> Radiohead - Tinker Tailor Soldier Sailor Rich Man Poor Man Beggar Man Thief

**East Harlem, Manhattan - July**

_“Do you- Do you still love me?”_

.

“Don’t stop. Please don’t stop. Even, Please.”

“I..”

“Please!” Isak cried.

So Even didn’t.

Isak was panting underneath him, his hands now in the taller boy’s hair, pulling and tugging and losing all sense of self.

_I fucking love you. I love you. I love you._

There was sadness and wonder in Even’s eyes, so Isak pulled him down and kissed him hard.

“Stop fucking thinking,” he panted against his lips. “Don’t think, please! Let’s just fuck.”

So they did. Even gave it his all because Isak felt like the ground was shaking beneath them, but it was just his body trembling. Even reached down and grabbed Isak between their bodies.

“Yes, touch me,” Isak moaned.

But Even didn’t talk. He didn’t say a word. He just groaned and pushed into him until Isak neared oblivion, his hands nearly choking the older boy.

.

When they both tipped over the edge, chests heaving against each other and hearts bursting, it took Isak a few moments to catch up with reality.

_That was fucking amazing._

“That was fucking amazing,” he panted, with Even sprawled on top of him, his face in his neck.

_Oh._

_Oh Fuck. Oh my god. Oh shit. Shit. Shit._

Isak’s eyes went wide and he suddenly tensed up.

Even could probably tell because he immediately left the crook of his neck to look at him. He brought a hand up and caressed his forehead.

“Isak..”

“Uh. Shit. Uh. I’ll go wash up first,” he said before slipping from under Even’s weight, trying to climb out of bed.

“Isak, please,” Even reached out to hold onto his hand.

“No.” Isak shook him off, unable to look at him so he sat on the edge of the bed.

“Hey," Even moved closer. "I know you just said that in the heat of the moment. Please don’t freak out. I won’t hold it against you. I promise.” 

_What?_

“We just had mind-blowing sex. Of course something like that could slip. I know you didn’t mean it. I, uh,” Even paused. “Isak, say something.”

_But I did. I do. I mean it._

Isak turned around and looked into Even’s eyes. They were blue, so blue, and sad, so sad.

Isak had never told anyone that he loved them. He didn’t even think he actually loved anyone before. It was all very new and big and scary to him. He wanted to scream, because he didn’t even stop to think about it. Yet it was all so evident. It was right there in front of him. _Of course I mean it. Of course. What the fuck._

And while he wanted nothing more but to run as fast as he could, he couldn’t do that to Even. Because for some reason, Even -- Even Bech Næsheim, Even Trouble Romance Bech Næsheim -- did not believe him. For some reason, it wasn’t as evident and apparent to him, because he was looking small and insecure and sad. _No one should be this sad after sex._

_“No one will ever love me. I’m fucked in the head and no one will ever love me.”_

It dawned on Isak that Even truly believed those words, that he truly didn’t think anyone could ever love him for who he was. And it tore him apart. Isak was not one for grand romantic gestures. He was embarrassed and insecure, and he had no idea if Even felt anything remotely close for him. But for some reason, he couldn’t care about himself at that moment. His insecurities were still there screaming in the back of his mind, but his priority right now was to make those eyes sparkle again.

“Isak?”

Isak was still staring, still naked, still breathing hard, still in a terrible need for a shower. But he climbed over the sheets and sat on Even’s lap, Even who just stared at him like he was having an out-of-body experience.

“Wha-”

Isak put his hands on Even’s cheeks.

“Even, I did not say it in the heat of the moment. Yes, I lost my damn mind because you felt so good, but that’s not what it was,” he said with his entire face flushing.

“Isak..”

“No, you don’t get to give me your self-pity speech right now. We just had sex and it was fucking great. You don’t get to be sad after sleeping with me. It’s so insulting.”

Even smiled at that, and Isak mentally pumped his fist in the air. He ran his hands across his cheeks. He had never been so sure of anything.

“I love you,” Isak whispered, staring into his eyes. “Whether you believe it or not. I love you.”

Even wrapped his arms around Isak’s back and they hugged silently, sitting up on the bed.

“This is so gross, we’re so sticky. Get off of me,” he finally said. But Even didn’t want to let go. He only tightened his grip around his waist.

“You’re everything to me. Everything,” Even whispered into his neck.

.

“Can you stop fucking in the shower for a minute? I really need to take a dump, guys,” said Emmanuel on the other side of the bathroom door.

“Oh my god!” Isak’s face flushed.

.

Isak spent the night and woke up at 11 the next morning. Sundays were for sleeping in. But Even was wide awake, playing with his hair.

“Do you ever sleep? When I woke up at 6am you were still doing random shit around the room,” said Isak, yawning.

“How can I sleep when you’re lying here looking so fucking hot?” said Even, leaning in to kiss his cheek.

“Ugh, it’s too early for this,” Isak shoved him, but he couldn’t help but blush.

“Also 6AM? What are you American all of a sudden? It’s 6 in the morning,” said Even.

“Whatever ugh. My phone has the AM/PM thing. I’m too lazy to change it.”

“What would you do without me?” Even sighed.

“I don’t know, maybe get more sleep, spend less money, actually do some work?”

“Isak, you’re hurting me,” Even brought a hand to his heart.

“Oh yeah? At least you’re not the one who’ll walk funny to class tomorrow. I don’t know if I can stand, Jesus christ.”

“Isak, did I hurt you?” Even was suddenly worried.

“Ugh, not at the time, but now I feel so sore. Can we just fuck for an hour next time like regular people? I don’t think I can do this all night thing anymore.”

“Next time?” Even repeated with a grin on his face.

“Oh my god!” Isak buried his face under the Tommy Hilfiger pillows.

“Baby, we can fuck as many times as you want. We can be friends that do romantic shit and fuck sometimes,” said Even with a huge smile, his hands reaching down the pillow to grab Isak’s face.

“Even, Stop talking.”

Even kissed him on the mouth, then kissed his forehead.

“You’re so cute, all shy like this between my sheets.”

“Yeah whatever. Also Tommy Hilfiger sheets? What the fuck, Even?”

“Hmm. Can’t exactly remember when I got them but yes. Aren’t they soft?”

.

Isak started noticing all the obnoxious things around Even’s room. He had a Nespresso machine and Armani shoe boxes under the bed. He had one of those expensive DSLR cameras and hundreds of new and shiny books all over his room. He had a vinyl record player and a big TV leaning on his bookshelf. He also had some paintings stacked against each other by the closet.

“Even, where do you get all this money?”

“Uh, I used to do some shit on the side.”

“What?”

“I don’t do that stuff anymore, but I worked for these rich upper east side kids at some point. I did their art homework and stuff, some final projects, some video editing. You know,” said Even from the window sill where he was smoking a joint.

“They paid you all this money?”

“Uh, yeah. I did some other stuff, too. Got into coke and started distributing some of it. I also slept with some older women on Park Avenue and a few men on business trips here in New York. You know,” said Even.

_What the fuck?_

“What the fuck?!” Isak tried not to sound alarmed, but he couldn’t control his tone.

“Hm. Yeah. I don’t remember how I got into it, but yes **mania,** haha. And it’s New York City. There’s always something fucked up to do. And I was all alone for a whole year doing whatever the fuck my brain told me to. Don’t worry though. I don’t do that shit anymore,” he said with an all too familiar wide smile.

Except that Isak did worry. He had done some research, but he realized that he didn’t know much about Even’s mania. _“I lose all control.”_

“You never told me,” he said.

“You never asked. I didn’t want to scare you away. I’m trying to be better,” said Even. “I know it’s selfish and I should have told you before. But I didn’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t lose me, Even. You can tell me shit. Please tell me stuff. I want to understand.”

They spent their Sunday on Even’s window sill. The older boy told him about all the times he ended up in the ER for drugs. He told him that sometimes he went five days without any sleep and ultimately collapsed somewhere in public or had a mental meltdown and got taken into custody. He told him that whenever he was manic, he couldn’t stop buying things he couldn’t afford and that his entire family had to chip in to save him a couple of times.

He told him that a German woman in her fifties living in the Upper West Side used to pay his rent because he reminded her of her first love in exchange for fulfilling some weird fetishes. _“She used to tie me and slap me and then say sorry. She called me her **Golden Boy** ”_. He told him that sometimes at 2AM, he couldn’t sleep and he couldn’t stop so he went on Craig’s List looking for the most exciting things to do. He told him that one night he ended up in Tribeca with a rich couple who treated him like a toy. He told him that the man choked him until he cried and lost consciousness.

“He was shorter than me but he was so strong and I did some lines of coke before that. I knew I had to get out of there the moment I reopened my eyes. My brain was on fire but some sense of self-preservation kicked in. And the moment he turned to look at his wife who was sitting on the couch, I fucking ran away. I was naked and I left my phone and my ID but I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t. I got a ride from the NYPD. I think it was the worst night of my life but I’m not sure. Some stuff seems like a dream when I come down from an episode. It hurt so bad though. I couldn’t talk for days because he had choked me so hard. But I was in my bed, so I didn’t do much talking anyways. And then when -”

Even stopped when he realized that Isak was crying.

“Hey, no no no. Please don’t cry. Fuck, I knew I shouldn’t tell you this shit.”

Isak got off the window sill, walked over to him, and hugged him tight, so tight.

“Fuck. I’m so fucking sorry,” Isak whispered.

“I’m the one who’s sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with any of this. I don’t know why I’m doing this to you. What the fuck is my problem.”

“I, I used to go home with random men,” said Isak.

“Hm?”

“I know it’s nowhere near as bad as what you went through, but I used to let men choke me and hurt me. This one guy spit on me once and put his foot on the back of my head. It was the worst. And even though I hated every single second, I couldn’t stop. I was so lonely. I just wanted to be with someone you know. And I’m not even manic or bipolar. I was just this pathetic fuck.”

Even’s hand curled into a fist and his eyes went dark again.

“Isak, you don’t have to tell me this if you don’t want to,” he said.

“I know. I just. You keep saying that you’re fucked up. But,” Isak took his hand, and forced his fist open until their fingers were laced together. “You’re not alone. Okay?”

“Shit Isak, who the fuck could hurt you like that?”

“Even.”

“Okay, okay.”

.

Even went back with him to Harlem that night and they shared his small twin bed. Isak couldn’t concentrate in class the next day because he realized that Even hadn’t slept at all.

_Shit._

He spent his two hours at work googling things, but he just grew more and more alarmed.  

_Is he slipping away?_

.

When Isak came back home to a fridge filled with 15 bottles of ketchup, he couldn’t help but panic.

“Even? Did you get this?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Uh, they had a good sale going on. Besides I couldn’t decide on a brand so I just took everything. I don’t know.”

.

Even dragged Isak to Pride NYC, and it was one of the best days of his life. Isak had refused adamantly, but after some coaxing and begging, he ended up saying yes.

They didn’t actually march because registration was required, but they followed their favorite acts down fifth avenue and stopped at every corner to make out.

Even was dressed in a white t-shirt and was carrying a rainbow flag. Isak was embarrassed but he ended up letting an old woman in a fairy costume paint a rainbow on his face, while the older boy took hundreds of pictures of his face.

“Ugh, I look fucking ridiculous.”

“Isak, you look so cute. You’re by far the cutest guy in all of pride.”

“Shut up.”

They took pictures with random people in the street. And Isak could swear he saw some girls taking pictures of them when they were kissing.

.

When Even told him he got them tickets to Panorama festival for his birthday, Isak felt like screaming, but not from excitement.

“Even! those are like 500 dollars each now.”

“Who cares.”

“I do! I don’t want you spending your money on me.”

“I didn’t even buy them. Don’t worry. I pulled some strings,” said Even.

“What the fuck?”

“This girl had free tickets and I covered for her once. So.”

.

They went to [ Panorama](http://thesource.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/CoLiuDBWYAAQjGu.jpg), and Isak couldn’t enjoy the music because there was panic settling in the pit of his stomach.

Even was happy and smiling and shining and high, so high. Isak just wanted to hold him and shield him.

But Even was dancing, and in that moment he was the sun. Even was the **Golden Boy.**

His worries quickly dissipated as the alcohol settled in his system, and Even’s hands were all over him. Soon they were grinding against each other, and Even slipped a hand in his pants right there in the middle of the crowd.

“Come for me, baby,” he whispered in his ear. “You’re so hot like this.”

.

While waiting for Even to be done with one of his summer classes around NYU, Isak ventured back into the [ Strand Bookstore](http://www.gliamantideilibri.it/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/strand.jpg). He walked the floors awkwardly looking for something relevant. He went all the way to the third floor before going down to the basement. He couldn’t help but shiver when he walked past the corner where Even had him panting against the wall.

He kept walking until he ended up in the [ corner ](https://scontent-iad3-1.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/e35/16123682_240733896378939_6258413807274557440_n.jpg?ig_cache_key=MTQ0MTcxNTgyNjk3NjgyMzg0MA%3D%3D.2) where the Mental Health section was located right next to ‘Sexuality’. Isak scanned the shelves and resorted to sitting on the floor as the books on Bipolar were on the lower ones.

He grabbed random books and started skimming and reading summaries. Most of them went into medical explanations and the history of the illness. But Isak wanted to understand how Even felt, not listen to someone with a PhD. When he found ‘[Electroboy](https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/510AEwNX6qL._SX338_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg)’, he immediately stopped and thought of Even. It was a memoir by this guy who lived in New York City and who suffered from Manic depression.

* * *

**Even <3**

16:32

IM DONE

Where are you?

Baby <33

Isak??

Where are you baby

Im coming

Meet me at broadway/waverly place

* * *

Isak had read 20 pages and his eyes were wide so wide. He spent all of his nights with Even, and he couldn’t recall the last time he had seen him sleep, or not smile, or not throw money out of the window, or not try to go down on him.

_He’s slipping. He’s slipping away from me._

He bought the book and hid it in his backpack.

.

Even lunged at him the moment he spotted him and kissed him hard and deep, earning them glances from people around them.

Isak shoved him gently.

“Hey, easy there,” he laughed nervously.

“I want you so fucking bad, baby.”

.

Even dragged him to the clothing store Superdry which was right in front of their meeting place, and shoved him into one of the changing rooms.

“Even, we can’t.”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you all day,” said Even, kissing his neck and unbuckling Isak’s belt.

“Someone’s gonna hear -”

“I don’t care. Let them hear us.”

Isak tried resisting but the moment Even’s knees reached the floor, he lost his entire thought process.

.

They ended up at Greenpoint in Brooklyn at [ Spritzenhaus](https://scontent.cdninstagram.com/t51.2885-15/s640x640/sh0.08/e35/12797911_1530153707289360_694965827_n.jpg?ig_cache_key=MTIwNDQxNTQ0OTIwMjMwNTkyNA%3D%3D.2.l), a German bar. Even quickly pulled out his phone and texted Markus when they were leaving Superdry under people’s judging eyes. Isak was mortified.

Markus was there before them and he had brought a girl along.

The bar was really spacious and nice. But Isak was dying inside. He didn’t know what to do. He knew Even was already spiraling out of control but he had no idea what to do about it, Even who had declared that he was treating everyone tonight.

So Isak got drunk. He was 21 now. He got three pitchers and drank until he could enjoy Even’s fingers digging into his skin.

Even was magic. The girl that Markus brought over, Cindy or whatever, was enamored, and the German boy didn’t even mind as he had started chatting up to the girl who was sitting to his left on the communal table.

Cindy kept playing with her hair and smiling too much and laughing too much. And Isak was drunk and jealous because Even was his. So he grabbed him by the neck and kissed him without so much as a warning.

Isak could hear her gasp in front of them, but he couldn’t care less when Even was suddenly licking into his mouth in front of all these hipster fake brooklynites.

“Hmm, baby.”

“You’re mine,” Isak mumbled in Norwegian before kissing him again.

“I’m yours.”

Even pressed their foreheads together and bumped his nose against his.

“Oh, I didn’t realize you were together,” said Cindy, very awkwardly.

“Yes, I’m his boyfriend,” said Isak in English, slamming his hand on the wooden table. “Yes, we’re not friends. We have sex and we kiss and we hold hands. We’re boyfriends. Right baby?”

Isak turned around to face Even whose eyes were shining brighter than the sun.

“Oh my god, Isak.”

“What?”

“I need to be inside **my boyfriend**  like right now,” Even all but shouted in Norwegian.

“Ugh yes please,” mumbled Isak, his cheeks bright pink and his eyelids heavy.

They left a shocked Cindy with Markus and the other girl, and crossed the beer-garden towards the bathrooms. There were 3 private restrooms for women, and one big urinary for men. Even smiled before shoving Isak inside one of the big women restrooms and dropping his backpack on the floor.

Isak kissed him hard and whined when Even disentangled himself to look inside his backpack.

“What are you doing?” he whined.

“Good thing I decided to shop for lube before this.”

“Ugh, shut up, Even.”

.

Isak was holding onto Even’s shoulders, crying from pain and pleasure, pressed against the wall, both of them drunk beyond limit and panting, their pants around their ankles.

It was surreal for Isak who never imagined he would be that guy who has sex in public restrooms. But he was drunk and his **_boyfriend_ ** was _hot as hell_ and his hands were holding the back of his thighs against the wall, so _what the hell._

.

When Isak woke up, still drunk, on the 1 train sat between Markus and Even, he cried. He full on sobbed because his entire body was hurting, but his heart hurt even more.

_What the fuck._

He was hysterical and Even was on his knees in front of him.

“Isak, Isak what’s wrong? Oh my god, did I hurt you? Did I hurt you? Isak please!”

“Even, I don’t know what to do! You’re slipping away from me. I’m losing you. I’m so fucking scared. Fuck, tell me what to do. I’m so scared. Please, please!”

Markus was trying to calm people down on the train while Isak shouted in Norwegian and Even spoke nonsense.

“Baby, what are you talking about. I’m fine. Why are you scared? I would never hurt you, Isak please.”

“You haven’t slept in fucking weeks, Even! I’m losing my fucking mind.”

.

When they got to Harlem, Even said he was leaving to get Isak something to soothe his skin from CVS, so he opened his laptop and called Magnus on Skype. It was around 5 in the morning in Norway, so of course he didn’t pick up.

Isak cried and punched things around his room. He opened messenger and sat on the floor.

* * *

**Jonas Noah Vasquez**

23:24

JONAS IM SO SCRARED

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

EVEN IS LOSINGIT

I THINK IM GOING TO LOSE HIM

IM SO DURNK

PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

ICANT LOSE HIM ICANT

 

Isak passed out in his bed not too long after that. And when he woke up the next day, Even wasn’t there. He hadn’t gotten back the entire night.

.

**Jonas Noah Vasquez**

02:45

Isak wtf????

Are you okay??

What’s going on?

What did Even do?

Call me on Skype when you wake up

Shit bro

* * *

Isak didn’t realize he was still in his clothes from the night before until he got to Even’s door.

“Emmanuel, is Even here? He ran out last night. I don’t know where he is.”

“No, dude. He didn’t come home. Shit did he go off the rails again?”

.

“Even, please call me or text me when you get this message. Where are you? I’m so scared. Please come home. Please,” Isak sobbed on Even’s voicemail.

He walked around NYU and down broadway, then took the L train back to Williamsburg. He called every single person he could think of.

By 16:00, Isak started visiting hospitals and precincts.

Markus ended up joining him because he was hysterical and slightly hungover and he couldn’t calm down.

“He’s probably just sleeping somewhere. Don’t worry. He’s probably fine. It’s not the first time this happens to him, and he’s always been just fine.” said Markus.

“Jesus Markus! I feel like I’m going to die! You should have seen him. The entire time he was talking about the most random shit. He didn’t make any sense. I don’t know why I let it get this bad. He’s been like this for weeks and I was so fucking scared of saying anything because he was smiling all the time. I’m so fucking stupid,” Isak was holding his head and he was screaming.

“Dude! Are you sure? What makes you think he’s manic right now? Maybe he lost his phone?”

“Markus! Even always picks up when I call, always! And you know what we did last night at Spritzenhaus? We fucked! We fucked hard against the wall like fucking animals when I couldn't even see cause I was so fucking drunk! He would never do that to me if he weren’t on a fucking high. I know it! I know it!”

* * *

**Emmanuel**

21:02

Isak! just got a call from Even’s doctor he’s okay

he broke into her office last night or smth and got caught by security

He’s at Mount Sinai hospital on E 101st rn cos he passed out when they were holding him in.

he’s awake now his doc just told me

she bailed him out

* * *

Isak ran up Madison avenue in his slippers and clothes from the day before. He had stopped crying but his heart felt like it was going to burst.

_He’s okay. He’s okay. He’s okay._

He felt like he was in a movie, running around New York city completely disheveled with tears drying on his face and wide wide eyes. His mind was screaming Even, Even, Even. And he kept replaying every single memory he ever had with him.

_Baby please be okay._

While waiting for the light to go red so that he could cross the street on 87th st, his phone started buzzing uncontrollably.

* * *

**Even <3**

21:21

Im sorry Isak im so sorry

Im sorry

i love you

i love you

i love you

i love you

i love you

i love you

i love you

* * *

Isak stopped and leaned against a tree, then dialed Even’s number after ten seconds of scanning through his texts which were still incoming.

Even picked up immediately.

“Are you okay?! Oh my god I was so fucking scared. Baby are you okay? Even?! Even I’m on my way right now. I’m only ten blocks away. I’m coming,” Isak was yelling on the phone.

No one said anything on the other line.

“Even?! Say something. I just want to know if you’re okay. Please. Even?”

“Shit. Isak I’m so sorry.”

Isak let out a sigh of relief when he heard his voice.

“No. No. Stop. I’m coming right now. Just wait for me okay?”

“Isak..” Even was crying on the phone, and Isak wanted to combust.

“What? Please don’t cry. I’m here. Yes.”

“Isak..”

“Yes? I’m listening I’m here. Even, I’m here.”

He had never heard Even sob before. “Do you- Do you still love me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so difficult for me to write. I did my very best.  
> I don't like gratuitous angst, but I felt like this was an important aspect of the story that needed to be explored. Isak needed to be exposed to Even's mania to know just what exactly he was dealing with and for Even to realize that yes, this boy will stand by him through everything, not just when he's dreamy and happy.  
> Even had also been off his meds for the longest time. So it made sense to me at least that his first attempt at getting his shit together wouldn't work out.  
> .  
> Everything will be fine though. Trust me. They're stronger than ever <3 Also next chapter is August, so Jonas and Magnus are finally flying to New York.  
> .  
> Leave a comment if I pissed you off hahaha. <333333  
> .  
> Electroboy is a real book and it's FASCINATING. I couldn't believe that it was a true story sometimes but oh my god. People living with Manic Depression are so incredibly brave.  
> .  
> Thank you so much for your song recs, for being so patient, and for being so supportive <3


	9. Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak is strong.  
> Magnus and Jonas land in NYC.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count? What word count? <33333  
> .  
> Tracks for this chapter:  
> Pvris - Empty  
> Lo Moon - Loveless-Edit

**Hamilton Heights, Manhattan - August**

_“I know it’s selfish, but don’t take it. Please, say no,” said Even. “I can’t stand the thought of you being so far away.”_

.

_“Do you- Do you still love me?”_

It felt like a slap. Isak stopped running.

“What? Even, what are you-”

“It’s, it’s okay if you don’t,” Even was still crying on the other end of the line. “You don’t have to come here. Please, don’t. I’m fine, Isak. I’ll be fine. I promise. I’m sorry.”

When Even hung up the phone, Isak felt like he was transported to an alternate universe. He felt strangely dissociated from reality. For a brief moment, he forgot who he was, where he was, why he was running, why his heart was so heavy in his chest, and why he couldn’t breathe.

When Isak reconnected with his consciousness, he felt lost. He had gone through so many emotions in the previous 24 hours that he never took a minute to just breathe. Isak started crying because nothing made sense. Even was okay. He wasn’t lying unconscious somewhere. He was safe. He was okay. He was trying to push him away, of course. Isak knew he would do that. It wasn’t a big deal.

Isak should have felt elated, but he just wanted to cry instead. He had never gone through so much stress in his life, not even when his mother had her outbursts. Everything hurt. He felt like everything was his fault, like he could have prevented it. He knew something wasn’t right. He had known for weeks. He knew that Even always felt like magic, but he also knew that he hadn’t slept in ages. He knew that he was smoking pot and drinking. He knew it yet he hadn’t done anything about it.

He had just panicked in his head and indulged in Even’s hypersexuality. _I’m such a fucking creep_. He knew what it was, the constant arousal, the constant need to touch and lick and tear. He had read about it. But somehow nothing had prepared him for how to deal with any of it.

The guilt became crippling and he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t realize he was on his knees on the ground until he felt a hand on his back.

“Are you okay? Do you need assistance?” The voice belonged to a middle-aged woman walking her dog and wearing an alarmed expression.

“I’m so tired. I’m so stupid. I’m so,” he panted through his tears.

“Should I call 911?!”

That seemed to bring him out of his trance.

“What?!” Isak suddenly looked up at the woman. “No, no. I’m fine.”

_What the fuck am I doing._

He stood up and wiped his tears.

“I have to go. I have to find my boyfriend.”

.

When he spotted Even in the emergency room, he lunged at him. His legs carried him over to the bed, but he had no recollection of actually crossing the room.

Suddenly, Even was in his arms and Isak was crying into his hair.

“I’m so glad you’re okay. Oh my god, you’re okay. You’re okay.”

Even did not hug him back, but it was okay because he clutched his shirt instead.

.

“Are you Isak?”

“Yes. Yes. I’m. I’m his boyfriend,” said Isak, still wiping his tears. “I’m aware of his condition. How do you know me?”

Even was now sleeping. And Isak was talking to Dr. Manevitz, his psychiatrist.

“Isak, are _you_ okay?” she asked. “Watching loved ones go through a manic episode is always extremely stressful.”

“I’m fine. I’m just fine.”

.

_“Even! I don’t know what to do! You’re slipping away from me. I’m losing you. I’m so fucking scared!”_

It turned out that after Isak’s outburst on the 1 train, Even had decided to pay a visit to his doctor because he wanted to get better, immediately, for him.

Dr. Manevitz wouldn’t tell him the details for confidentiality reasons, but Isak understood. He understood that Even realized he was hurting Isak and decided to consult with his doctor in the middle of the _goddamn_ night, and that when he couldn’t get in, he simply broke in.

_Fucking hell._

.

“Yeah, he’s fine. I’m sorry I freaked you out, bro. I was so fucked that night,” said Isak on the phone.

“No, don’t worry man. This time difference shit is annoying. I freaked out when I woke up to your messages,” said Jonas.

“Yeah. Sorry. I hope you’re still coming.”

“Hell yeah. Are you kidding? Magnus can’t wait to meet Even.”

.

Even spent the night at the hospital, and Isak climbed on the bed and held him all night. Sophie and Emmanuel showed up in the morning just in time for him to be discharged. They all took an Uber back to Williamsburg, and it cost them a sweet fortune.

“I can pay for it,” said Isak.

“Dude, of course we’re fucking splitting this,” said Emmanuel from the passenger seat.

Even was wrapped in a blanket between Sophie and Isak despite the summer heat, his head in the crook of the younger boy’s neck.

Isak played with his hair and no one said a word during the entire ride.

.

It was tough and Even wasn’t talking. He just curled around himself in bed under the sheets and slept for days.

_It’s okay. He just needs to sleep._

.

Sometimes Even turned around in his sleep in the dead of the night and snuggled against Isak’s chest. Isak held him and breathed him in every single time, staying awake until the sunlight drew shadows on Even’s face. He stared at him, stroked his cheeks, ran his thumb along his eyebrows, and carded his fingers through his hair. And when it all became too much, he allowed himself some silent tears.

_It kills me to see you in pain._

.

Sometimes it got ugly. Even would push him away by saying harsh words. _“I don’t need your pity!”._ But Isak did his best to not take any of it to heart.

_He doesn’t mean it. I have to be strong._

.

“I don’t want you here looking all sad,” said Even, barely looking at him.

“I’m not sad,” said Isak from his side of the bed.

“Isak, please go home,” Even pleaded.

“No.”

“I hate knowing that I’m hurting you. I hate this.”

“Stop saying this, Even. You’re not hurting me.”

“Isak, you’re barely going to work. And it’s August. It’s summer. Your friends are getting here in two weeks. Please!”

“I don’t care about summer!”

.

“Dude, you’re being a bit annoying,” said Emmanuel, while warming something up using the microwave.

“What?” Isak huffed.

“Just let him breathe. Give him some space. You’re here all the time. I’m pretty sure he feels like shit knowing you spend your entire time babysitting him.”

“I’m not babysitting him, what?!”

“That’s probably what it feels like to him. We always give him some time, you know, to process what happened. He needs time to understand where he is in his brain.”

.

“I’m going to my place. I think John misses me,” said Isak, sitting on the edge of the bed, putting on his shoes.

He leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to Even’s forehead.

“I love you,” said Isak, looking into his eyes.

“I love you, too,” said Even, clutching his shirt.

Isak pressed their lips together for the first time since that night at the bar, his heart bursting with love and hope.

.

Isak went back to his apartment and finally ate real food.

“John, this is the best pasta I’ve ever had,” he said.

“Well, I haven’t seen you in a while and you look like you need it,” said John. “Also Dan says you can have some of his precious potato vodka if you want.”

“What? Are you serious?” Isak smiled.

“Yeah dude, I don’t know. I think he missed having you and your boy around.”

Isak let out a genuine laugh.

“How is he by the way?” asked John.

“He’s okay. He’ll be okay. He’s so strong, I’m so proud of him,” said Isak, before realizing that he was being embarrassing. “Uh. I’m sorry I went hysterical that night, by the way.”

“It’s all good,” said John. “Have you found a place yet?”

“Hm?”

“You do remember that our lease is up at the end of the month, right?”

“Fuck. I completely forgot. Shit,” sighed Isak.

“It can be stressful looking for a place, but yeah you don’t have much time.”

“Shit. I tried looking stuff up before all this and it was too much. I can’t find short-term leases and the sublets are all so shady or up in 160th st. And all these guys showing up for the fall semester already took all the Columbia places. And I’m so fucking lazy.”

“Yo, Dude. I know it can be overwhelming. But calm down. Just take it one minute at a time, yeah?” said John.

_One minute at a time._

“Yeah, okay.”

.

“Let’s play a game,” said Isak, a hand caressing Even’s cheek. “It’s called Isak and Even: Minute by Minute.”

“What do we do in this minute?”

“In this minute, we kiss.”

.

“How are you?” asked Sophie, her long legs sprawled on the coffee table in the living room.

“I’m fine. Even is sleeping. Uh, why is everyone asking me this?” said Isak.

Sophie looked and him then sighed very loudly. “Come sit.”

“What?”

“Come sit on the couch with me, Jesus,” said Sophie.

Isak had never had a proper conversation with Sophie. She always seemed distant and disinterested. But he would never forget how she shoved her own fingers down Even’s throat the night of the House of Yes to make him throw up.

Isak walked over to the couch and sat on the other side. She scooted closer and his eyes went wide.

“Jesus, relax,” she said.

“What?”

“You need a hug. I’m going to hug you, yeah?”

The situation was surreal. Isak barely interacted with Sophie at all. She was never home and she barely greeted him most of the time. But when her arms wrapped around his shoulders, he couldn’t help but breathe and relax.

They sat there awkwardly, Isak barely reciprocating the gesture, his hands on his lap. But then she hugged him tighter, and he felt like something got triggered inside him. He couldn’t help it. He just wanted to cry.

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath.

“You’re so strong, kid,” said Sophie, still holding him. “It’s very brave what you’re doing.”

Isak didn’t cry but he hugged her back.

When they pulled apart, he turned his face to wipe a tear while she stared at him.

“You need to take care of yourself, Isak. You’re being very strong for him and that’s amazing. But he wouldn’t want you to neglect yourself,” she said.

“I’m not neglecting myself. I’m fine,” said Isak.

“It’s okay to feel like shit. This is a very shitty and hard situation. You don’t have to pretend to be fine. Don’t hold everything inside. And fucking cry if you want to. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“And remember that it’s okay for you to walk away,” she added.

Isak couldn’t help but frown. “What the fuck? I would never leave him.”

“I know. I’m just saying that you can if it gets too much. No one will hate you,” said Sophie.

They spent the rest of the afternoon talking about random things. She introduced him to Broad City and laughed the entire time while he struggled to understand the puns. She grabbed her emergency ice-cream pot, and they lazily shared random Even stories on the couch.

“I really really love that kid,” said Sophie.

“Me too,” said Isak.

She smiled. “You’re too cute. I’m going to throw up.”

Isak laughed and shoved her with his foot.

“No but really. You might wonder why we put up with him. But he’s such a good person, you know. Besides, his name is on the lease,” she said, rolling her eyes.

Isak chuckled.

“How did you meet?” he asked.

“Craig’s list. He posted this fucking ridiculous ad. It was so funny. He was looking for roommates. And we needed a third person, so.”

“Did you know he was bipolar when he moved in?” Isak asked.

“Yeah, it was on the title of his ad. I don’t remember exactly what it said, but it was something like ‘Fucked up giraffe looking kid needs place to stay’”. She laughed and Isak joined her.

“I’ve never seen him as stable as he is with you though. Gotta give you that. I mean he’s taking his meds and all,” she added. “Kind of took me off guard when he did drugs that other night though. That's what destroyed his relationship with his family. He went through actual therapy to stop the coke shit.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. He was clean for a while. He had this rough night once and decided to get better,” said Sophie.

_The night in Tribeca._

“Anyways, let’s stop talking about this. Ask him yourself. Let me focus on Ilana. This episode kills me every time,” she said.

.

Isak shed actual tears when Abbi cashed her [ eight thousand dollars check ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tDN5DYsNk0) at the bank.

“Bro, this is not funny,” said Markus. “What is this feminist hipster shit you started watching?”

But Isak was too busy laughing.

.

“I missed you,” said Even, his head on Isak’s chest.

“I was gone for what? A day? Who’s being clingy now?” Isak teased.

“29 hours. You were gone for 29 hours.”

“That’s creepy, Even,” Isak laughed and pulled him closer.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Because you’re trying so hard and I still feel like shit. I’m sorry,” said Even.

“Hey,” Isak put both hands on Even’s face. “Don’t be. It’s not about me. I don’t care. Take all the time you need.”

“But I hurt you.”

“What?”

“That night at the bar. I hurt you,” said Even.

Isak knew they were going to have this conversation, but he didn’t think it would come up so soon.

“You weren’t yourself that night. It’s okay,” said Isak, as honestly as he could.

“Isak, you were crying so hard and you were so wasted. You couldn’t even stand afterwards. I can’t believe I did that to you. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”  

Isak thought about denying everything but it was pointless.

“I’m sorry, too,” he said instead. “I knew what was going on but I didn’t do anything about it. Every time you wanted to do something, I just said yes or got drunk. I’m so fucking stupid. I feel like I failed you.”

“No, please don’t say that,” Even finally looked at him. “None of this is your fault. It’s all on me.”

Even was about to start his _“You should go, Leave me, Just go”_ speech, so Isak wrapped his arms around his back and buried his head in his neck.

“Baby, let’s just sleep.”

.

“Markus, your apartment is bigger, and I just don’t know where I’ll shove Jonas and Magnus when I have a freaking twin bed!” said Isak, before biting into his awful cafeteria sandwich.

“Dude, first of all, my roommates are dicks. You know this. And while this Magnus dude sounds cool, I just don’t think I can have them stay at my place,” said Markus.

“Ugh. You’re useless. Why am I friends with you again?”

“Because I hold your hand when you cry?” Markus teased.

“Fuck you, man. That was once. Besides, it’s too soon,” said Isak.

“That was low, even for you Markus,” said Adrian.

“Okay, yeah I suck. What about Adrian’s place? You only have one other roommate and he’s chill, right?” said Markus.

“Uhm, there’s absolutely no way the boys are staying at Adrian’s,” said Isak.

“Ouch. Rude. What’s wrong with my place?!”

“Nothing, but like..”

“Oh, I get it!” said Adrian. “You don’t want me telling your bros what you look like when you suck-”

“Shut the fuck up! Adrian, oh my god. Why do I still hang out with you?!”

“Because I give you the best sex advice? I don’t know just a thought. How’s your boy by the way?” Adrian asked.

“Better! We walked to the Williamsburg waterfront pier yesterday and we had pizza. He had 3 slices, I almost cried, fuck,” Isak spoke until he realized he was oversharing.

“That’s wonderful Isak. I’m really glad he’s doing better. It broke my heart seeing you like that,” said Adrian.

“Uh. Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

“Adrian, you’re a really cool dude, you know that?” said Markus.

“I’m aware.”

* * *

**Even <333333**

14:23

HAHAHAHA

Calm down isak it’s not that funny

Fuck u

<3

* * *

“What are you doing?” Even asked from where he was standing shirtless next to his bedroom door.

“I’m taking off my clothes,” said Isak.

“I can see that. Why?”

“I’m jumping in the shower with you.”

.

It was his first time being naked with Even in nearly three weeks. They did nothing but kiss under the showerhead with Isak’s arms around Even’s neck. When he pulled back, Even looked into his eyes.

They were both soaked, and Isak couldn’t help but reach out and push Even’s wet hair off his forehead. Even gently grabbed his hand and brought it to his lips.

He kissed his palm once, twice, and then a third time while Isak stared at him with wide eyes.

“Thank you,” Even whispered. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Isak was grateful for his already wet face, because he was about to cry.

“Baby..” Isak felt himself choke up.

“I love you so much,” said Even, before pressing more kisses to Isak’s hand. “So much.”

.

They kissed some more, then Isak washed Even’s hair and pressed sweet kisses to his chest.

“This is so weird,” said Even. “I don’t think we’ve ever actually just showered together before.”

.

It took some time, but Even started shining and smiling until his eyes crinkled.

“I love seeing you laugh,” said Isak, pinching his cheek with one hand, holding the subway pole with the other.

“I love you,” said Even.

Isak blushed.

“Stop. Stop saying shit like this.”

“But I do. I love you, even if you need to hold onto the pole to keep your balance on the subway,” said Even, smiling like the sun.

“Ugh.”

_Yes. Banter._

.

Isak started dragging Even to places. They went to the [ Metropolitan Museum of Art ](http://d1smv7h0armdzg.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Metropolitan_Museum_of_Art_at_1000_5th_Ave_.jpg) in the Upper East Side at 10 in the morning to avoid the crowds.

“Wow? Isak and art?” Even teased.

“Shut up.”

When Isak tried to pay the full price, Even rolled his eyes.

“Sometimes, I forget how young and naive you are,” he said.

“What?”

“22 dollars is the suggested price, Isak. It’s for tourists who can’t read and for rich people. For us, it’s pay as you wish. You can just give a dollar,” said Even.

“What?!”

“Seriously, Isak.”

.

They walked in the museum for hours, and Even seemed to know a little about everything, from Greek and Roman art to Medieval and Asian art. They stopped by the Costume Institute and Even talked for a good 23 minutes.

_I love it._

Isak was surprised when they got to the Islamic art collection and Even started talking passionately about ceramics and textiles from North Africa and Spain.

“Hmm. I read the Qur’an when I was like 17. It’s truly fascinating. I picked up some stuff later. Also, look at the calligraphy!” said Even.

.

“Let’s go to the rooftop,” said Even.

“What? What rooftop?”

It turned out that the Met museum had a rooftop that Isak wasn’t aware of.

“What the fuck, the website didn’t say anything about a rooftop,” he said.

“Aw, you’re visiting tourist websites now? So cute.”

.

The view from the [ rooftop ](http://cdn-image.travelandleisure.com/sites/default/files/styles/1600x1000/public/201408-w-best-rooftop-bars-in-nyc-metropolitan-museum-roof-garden.jpg?itok=H2nqPHMh) was breathtaking.

“Wow,” said Isak.

“I know right? So many people come here and never make it to rooftop. I love this place so much.”

.

Even had two girls take their picture with the skyline, and Isak felt suddenly shy when the older boy’s fingers rested on top of his hip beneath his shirt.

“1, 2, 3” said the girl.

Even leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek, and Isak all but melted into it.

“So cute,” the girl squealed. “I’ll take one more.”

Isak was feeling brave, so he turned to face Even, grabbed him by the neck and kissed him.

Even laughed against his lips and it reverberated through his entire body.

_Don’t ever stop laughing._

.

They got Even’s camera back, found a quiet corner on the floor, and made out for a good seven minutes on the rooftop.

“We’re so annoying,” said Isak, all smiles.

“But we’re cute.”

“Yeah, we’re cute.” Isak leaned in and titled his face upwards, silently asking for a kiss.

“I love it when you do this,” said Even.

“Hm?” Isak nudged his nose with his.

“You’re too cute. Oh my god.”

“Even, stop talking and kiss me.”

.

Jonas and Magnus’ flight was landing around noon. So Isak and Even left Williamsburg around 11.

“Isak, why are you so nervous?”

“I’m not nervous.”

“Baby, you’re fidgeting.”

“Okay, so about the ‘baby’ thing,” said Isak.

Even scoffed teasingly. “Wha-? Isak Valtersen, are you ashamed of me?!”

“No. Ugh. Just. Magnus might get weird. Just no PDA, please? Please?” Isak pleaded.

“I better kiss you now before your ‘bros’ get here then.”

“Ugh.”

.

Their flight was late and they spent forever in customs. Isak started thinking they had missed their flight when he heard Magnus’ iconic laugh.

“Bro! Holy fuck!”

Magnus lunged at him with a big hug and almost lifted him off the ground.

“Shit, Isak! You look so American!” said Magnus.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

But then Jonas had dropped his bags and attacked him with another hug.

“It’s so good to see you, Isak,” said Jonas.

Isak lingered a moment longer and closed his eyes. “So good to see you, too.”

Even was awkwardly standing a few meters away. He took off his sunglasses, put them in his pocket, and walked towards the three of them.

“Hi guys!” he smiled and threw a hand between Jonas and himself. “I’m Even.”

“Uh, guys. This is Even. Even, these are the guys,” said Isak, blushing slightly.

Jonas shook his hand firmly and smiled while Magnus only took his hand briefly then went back to hugging Isak.

“Is Isak giving you a tough time?” said Jonas.

“The toughest. He’s so grumpy,” said Even with a smile. “He won’t even let me call him ‘ **baby** ’ now that you’re here.”

Isak rolled his eyes and felt his face flush. “Ugh. Because that’s not my fucking name!”

“It could be though,” said Even. “Can you imagine? **Baby** Valtersen.”

“Ugh. Shut up, Even!”

“Oh! Oh shit! You’re Even! What the fuck. Sorry man, I’m Magnus!” Magnus threw his hand between them again and Jonas brought his palm to his forehead.

“A pleasure,” said Even, beaming.

“I completely forgot, what the fuck,” Magnus was laughing. “This guy is the reason you don’t answer on Skype, bro? It’s all because of this handsome guy?”

“I do answer you on Skype, what the fuck!” Isak’s face was crimson.

“Bro, three days ago. I really had an emergency while packing and you texted me ‘sorry busy with Even’. What the fuck?” said Magnus.

“I might have sent that,” said Even. “Isak’s hands were, uh, busy.”

There was silence before they all bursted out laughing, except for Isak who wished he could disappear. And when Magnus hugged Even for the third time on the AirTrain, Isak gave up on their stay being anything remotely normal.

.

“So Magnus and I are sharing a fucking bed?” said Jonas.

“Yeah, Even’s roommate Sophie is in San Francisco for 3 weeks so you can have her room,” said Isak. “Consider yourselves lucky. She could have put it on airbnb and made a fortune.”

“Wait! Do you guys live together?!” asked Magnus. “You’re like a couple and shit? Oh my god!”

“What? No! I live in Harlem but it’s too far and I don’t have enough space for you to crash there.” Isak panicked because Even was right there behind him in the kitchen.

“Didn’t you say you’re looking for another apartment?” said Jonas.

“Uh. I’m. Uh yeah. My lease is up at the end of the month.”

“Why don’t you live with Even?” said Magnus. “Oh my god, you will be like a married couple. Holy shit!”

Isak turned around in panic and was relieved to see that Even had retracted to the bathroom.

“Holy fuck, shut the fuck up Magnus! We’re not there yet. What the hell.”

.

Magnus and Jonas slept for the rest of the day, and Isak was about to leave to go see a place he had found on the “Gypsy Housing NYC” facebook group up W 144th st in Hamilton Heights.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Even asked, hesitantly.

“Uh, it’s okay. You have stuff to do,” said Isak, while putting on his shoes.

“My project can wait a few hours.”

“But we’re going to be doing lame tourist things tomorrow. You should use this time to get stuff done.”

“Isak.”

“What?”

“I’m coming with you.”

“Okay.”

.

They rode the subway silently, side by side, Isak sometimes bumping against Even’s chest when the train stopped and Even laughing every single time.

“You’re so cute.”

.

The place was okay. It wasn’t as big as Even’s apartment but it was an improvement from Isak’s current living arrangement. It was a 4-bedroom though, which meant he would have three more roommates.

“Isak, they could be awful. They could be those obnoxious Columbia students who think they’re better than everyone. What if one of them directly bites their KitKat instead of breaking it first? You hate that.”

“Even, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“I put up with your complaining all the time. I’m just warning you. Also, look at this shower, it’s too small. And with four of you in this apartment, we’ll never get to have sex in the shower. You love having sex in the shower.”

Isak’s face would have flushed if Even wasn’t speaking Norwegian while this poor girl was walking them around the place.

Isak stopped and looked at Even who was now running his index finger along the window sill. He was talking to the girl and being absolutely condescending. Even was never condescending.

Isak realized that Even didn’t want him to take this place. He also realized that he would be just as insufferable, and would probably find something wrong with every place they’d end up visiting.

Isak couldn’t help it. He smiled to himself.

“Why are you smiling?” Even asked.

“I’m not smiling.”

“Yes, you are.” Even smiled, too.

“It’s because you’re being cute,” said Isak, pulling him by the shirt.

The girl was now talking to someone on the phone.

“Hmm. Cute? Me?” Even smiled and wrapped his arms around Isak’s waist.

“Yes, you.” He leaned in and pressed their lips together.

“I love you,” said Even against his lips.

“Stop saying this shit all the time!” Isak blushed.

“But I do. I love you.”

The girl came back and cleared her throat.

“Uh. So I have another guy downstairs trying to check out the place. What do you think? I can kick him out if you’re interested,” she said.

Even’s arms were still around Isak’s waist. He felt incredibly rude acting all obnoxious in her living room and being all wrapped up in _his boyfriend_ , but he couldn’t care less.

Isak looked into Even’s eyes and smiled softly. Even smiled back, his eyes crinkling and his grip tightening.

For a moment, time seemed to have stopped. It was just the two of them in this stranger’s living room, looking into each other’s eyes.

Isak had never felt that much love for anyone before. And although he had spent a pretty awful month, it all seemed far away, so far way.

Every single moment was worth it. **_The bad is worth it, when the good is this good._ **

The AC was on and it felt nice after walking around in the excruciating heat. But nothing felt as good as Even’s fingers digging into his skin, as his heart bursting with happiness and pure love.

“I really do like having sex in the shower,” Isak finally said, beaming.

Even bursted out laughing, igniting fireworks inside Isak’s chest. He laughed, too.

“Isak, I know it’s selfish, but don’t take it. Please say no,” said Even. “I can’t stand the thought of you being so far away.”

* * *

**Magnus Fossbakken**

18:33

 

Finally found the wifi password. Where the fuck are you bro? I just woke up

I’m fucking starving i don’t have american money

iSAKKKK

we’re coming home

we?

you're a WE now?

I LOVE EVAK

shut up mags

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me prompts for the cute!!!! Alright, next chapter is Jonas, Magnus, Isak, and Even doing EVERYTHING TOURISM in New York City.  
> Any special requests?  
> What did you think of this chapter? I tried taking my time exploring Isak's psych while dealing with Even's crash and depressive episode. It was very important to me because I feel like it doesn't get addressed enough. It requires SO MUCH strength.  
> Also Isak and Even moving in together? Yay/Nay? Hm????  
> .  
> Thank you for your incredible comments and amazing feedback on the last chapter. I cried so much reading the comments. I will start replying ASAP. Writing this chapter took me so much time haha.  
> .  
> I saw that some people want me to make a Curious Cat account or something. I'm scared? lol  
> Any more song recs for me? Thank you SO MUCH ILYY GUYSS.


	10. New York City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boy quad (minus Mahdi) + Logistics + Too much is never enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading  
> NP:  
> The Paper Kites - Bloom (Bonus Track)  
> Florence and the Machine - Too Much Is Never Enough

**Williamsburg, Brooklyn - September**

_"I keep forgetting that you said yes."_

* * *

_“I can’t stand the thought of you being so far away.”_

Isak’s heart leaped a few times.

“Uh, guys? Do you mind giving me an answer?” the girl interrupted.

Isak disentangled himself from Even’s grip, flustered and blushing slightly, then turned around to face her.

“Uh, sorry. I’m going to think about it and get back to you,” said Isak.

“If the guy downstairs decides to take it, I won’t be able to do anything for you,” she said.

“That’s okay.”

.

When they reached the street, the sun was still shining and the heat was still unbearable. Even put on his sunglasses and trailed behind Isak.

“Even?”

“Hm?”

“Was that, uh, was that you asking me to move in with you?” Isak asked hesitantly, turning around to face him.

“Uhm. I don’t know,” said Even. “Maybe? I don’t know what I’m doing. I mean I know last month was fucking shit. And I know I’m a mess. And I guess it’s too soon. I mean I literally lost my fucking mind the day you called me your boyfriend, so this is way too premature. And I don’t want to freak you out. But -”

Even stopped rambling when Isak reached out to grab his hand.

“Even, I’m not freaking out,” said Isak. “I mean I am. Because yeah it’s too much. I don’t know if you can stand being around me all the time. And uh. I mean I practically live with you now. But I still want a place where I can just leave my stuff and invite Markus over sometime you know. I don’t know. And you live so far away. I can’t commute from Brooklyn every day when fall classes start. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

Isak looked at their hands and waited for Even to say something for a few agonizing moments.

The older boy threw an arm around his shoulders instead, and pulled him into a half hug.

“Don’t be sorry,” he said, pressing a kiss to Isak’s hair. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m thinking half the time, but this place was shit. You can find better. Let’s just go home. I bet the boys are hungry.”

.

They all went to Two Boots Pizza, and Jonas actually understood some of the references Even kept bringing up.

“I can’t handle this hipster shit,” sighed Isak.

“Bro, I have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about,” Magnus added.

Even and Jonas laughed and then started sharing embarrassing Isak stories.

“I hate both of you.”

.

“So how did you two meet?” Magnus asked before taking another bite of his Mr. Pink slice.

Isak’s eyes suddenly went wide and his face flushed. Even smiled to himself.

“Wow, what is this? This sounds juicy. What the fuck?” Magnus was almost shouting. “Jonas, do you know?”

“Nah, bro.”

“Seriously, how did you meet? I mean what are the odds of two Norwegian dudes meeting in the city? Was it through an app? What’s that gay app again? Grinding or something. Did you write ‘I only hook up with Norwegians’ in your profile? Isak, that’s like racist.”

Isak was about to throw his drink on Magnus when Even spoke.

“We met at a concert,” he said.

Isak’s eyes shot up and he glared at him. “Even!”

“I saw him in the crowd and followed him to the bathroom,” Even continued, a grin on his face.

“Shut the fuck up, Even, oh my god.”

“What? It’s true.” The older boy shrugged.

“Uh, that’s weird,” said Magnus. “How did you know he’d be interested? Like I’ve always wondered how homosexuals find each other. It’s so weird.”

“Magnus, seriously,” Jonas brought his palm to his forehead again.

“I didn’t know if he’d be interested,” said Even. “I just trusted my gut. It took a lot of time though. He didn’t just fall into my lap. It took a lot of memes and seduction.”

“I’m leaving,” said Isak, getting up from his chair while Even laughed and Magnus got even more confused.

Isak appreciated the fact that Even skipped the one-night stand portion of the story.

.

“I like him. He’s chill,” said Jonas.

They were walking towards the pier with Magnus and Even a few steps ahead of them.

“Yeah, uh. I don’t know what to say,” said Isak.

“Bro, it’s cool. Like you don’t have to feel weird about this. We don’t care. And he’s even more handsome in person.”

Isak tried to stifle a grin but failed.

“What the fuck, Jonas?”

“What?”

They both laughed and joined Even and Magnus for the sunset.

.

They were in Times Square by 11 the next morning. Isak rolled his eyes the entire time while Magnus took hundreds of snaps and pictures.

“I hate this place,” Isak muttered under his breath.

Even was taking pictures of Jonas and Magnus with his DSLR camera while Isak rolled his eyes. He ended up joining them for a group picture which they sent to Mahdi.

It occurred to Isak that it was his first time with Even in Times Square. He never took him to the overcrowded and tourist places in the city, except for the Brooklyn heights promenade.

Even looked really good in his gray t-shirt, his black sunglasses, and _those_ jeans in the middle of the crowd. So Isak stared for a moment before Magnus noticed.

“Shit, you’re like really gay, bro.”

“Fuck off, Magnus.”

.

It was a great day. It wasn’t as hot as the previous one and the sun wasn’t as ruthless.

But Isak couldn’t help but feel weird. Even was not looking at him. He wasn’t touching him. He was barely teasing him.

Isak thought it might be because of the boys and how he had asked him to stop with the public display of affection. But when they sat on the [ red steps ](http://images.adsttc.com/media/images/5010/204d/28ba/0d42/2200/0c9d/large_jpg/stringio.jpg?1414222169) while Magnus took a $5 picture with a man in an Iron Man costume, Isak realized that it was probably something else. Because Even was there by his side, smiling and being Even, but there were clouds in his eyes.

That layer of sadness that Isak had worked so hard to get rid of was back in his gaze, and it ate at him.

Isak couldn’t help but feel sad, too, even if Even tried his best to smile. He knew it wasn’t genuine. He could tell the real smiles from the fake ones now.

Even was going through the pictures in his camera when Isak buried his fingers in his hair.

"Huh?" the older boy gasped.

“What’s wrong, baby?” said Isak, carding his fingers through his hair, not noticing how Jonas’ head turned way too fast at the word ‘baby’.

“Uh. Nothing. What do you mean?”

Isak brought his other hand to his cheek.

“You look kind of sad,” he said.

“I’m not sad!”

“You’re not even looking at me,” said Isak.

Even smiled, left the camera on his lap, and placed a hand on Isak’s cheek too.

“I’m busy looking at pictures of you. But you’re right. I should look at the real stuff.”

Isak smiled then leaned in. Even’s eyes went wide, then carried an expression that asked ‘are you sure?’  

Isak closed the distance between them by pressing a soft kiss to Even’s lips. When he pulled back, they smiled at each other while Magnus self-destructed in the background and Jonas pretended to check his texts even though he didn’t have cellphone reception or wifi.

.

Isak decided that he didn’t care and started touching Even whenever he pleased. The older boy spent the entire day gasping as if he couldn’t believe Isak was being so affectionate around his friends. But he smiled every single time.

And slowly, very slowly, the sadness that had clouded his eyes in the morning started disappearing.

“Can you stop being disgustingly cute and take a picture of me with the Norwegian flag for a second?” said Magnus.

They were at [ Rockefeller Center ](https://cdn.civitatis.com/guias/nuevayork/fotos/rockefeller-center.jpg) and Isak couldn’t believe they convinced him to pay thirty dollars for a [ Top of the Rock ](https://www.topoftherocknyc.com/) ticket.

“Thirty fucking dollars? That’s like 3 lunches, what the hell? All of that for a stupid view of the city. I can just go on Google Images!”

Isak stopped complaining once they got to the [ top ](http://gonyctourism.com/wp-content/uploads/view-from-top-of-the-rock.jpg).

“Okay, it’s kind of cool,” said Isak. “But it should be like 10 dollars not 30, what the hell.”

Even’s eyes crinkled and Isak couldn’t help but press kisses along his jaw when they were left alone, Magnus and Jonas having decided to go to the upper level.

Even kept chuckling and dodging his lips, so Isak ended up kissing the corner of his mouth and his neck.

“Let me kiss you. I want to kiss you,” Isak whined.

“What about the PDA thing?”

“I don’t care. You look so fucking hot right now,” said Isak. “Even, do you have any idea what you do to me?”

Even looked at him with wide eyes for a few moments before digging his fingers into his waist. 

“Baby, what are you talking about? Have you looked at yourself today?" said Even, leaning in to whisper in his ear. "This white shirt on you, fuck me! Can’t wait to get you home and eat you out.”

It took Isak off guard, and his whole face flushed and stayed that way until Jonas and Magnus came back.

“What happened here? Why is Isak choking?” said Magnus.

Even grinned the entire time in the elevator.

.

Isak was walking incredibly fast ahead of the boys, and he turned his back to them once they got to the subway.

“Isak, slow down why are you running?” said Jonas.

“This is New York. In New York, we walk fast!” he replied.

But that was a half lie. The truth was that he was beyond embarrassed, that his jeans felt way too tight on him, and that he couldn’t hide his arousal any longer.

_Fucking Even._

So when Even stood between him and Magnus on the subway and grinned, Isak glared at him for a good five minutes.

“You’re welcome,” said Even with a smile.

“Fuck you,” Isak mumbled.

.

When they got to Chambers St, Even suggested a Starbucks break and dragged Isak to one of the bathrooms after ordering a chocolate chip cookie to get the customer code for the door.

“Even, what are you doing?” Isak was flustered and beyond aroused.

“I’m going to take care of you, baby. I’m sorry for being a dick.”

“You’re such a fucking tease,” said Isak.

“No more talking,” Even mumbled before unzipping Isak’s jeans.

.

“Oh my fucking god! Blowjobs in public bathrooms? What the fuck? This gay thing sounds awesome!” said Magnus as they made their way back from the bathroom ten minutes later.

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” Isak’s voice was way higher than usual.

“Bro, no offense, but your hard-on is gone,” said Magnus.

Jonas laughed so hard that he almost fell off his stool.

“I want to fucking die,” Isak sighed.

“Sorry to disappoint, Magnus,” said Even. “But it’s not what you think.”

“Huh?” Magnus was confused.

“I only used my hands,” Even replied.

“Oh my god! Shut the fuck up! I’m going to kill you.”

All three of them laughed until Isak realized he was the luckiest _bastard_ in the universe and joined them.

.

“Bro, no offense. But get your hands off of me,” Magnus shrieked when Even wrapped his hand around his shoulder for a picture with the [ One World Trade Center ](https://cdn1.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/47927659/OWO-Skyline-2.0.jpg).

“I washed my hands. I swear.”

.

It was nice, having the boys over. Isak wished Mahdi could have made it as well, but he was to busy and he wouldn’t have had space for him anyways.

Isak watched Jonas and Magnus laugh at something Even said and realized that his _boyfriend_ truly was magic.

_Everybody loves you._

.

They spent the entire weekend doing tourist things. They took the subway to High Street and crossed the Brooklyn bridge from the Brooklyn side, just as Even had told him before. They went to [ Battery Park ](https://www.manhattanscout.com/sites/default/files/teaser_images/battery_park_city.jpg) and ventured around [ Brookfield place ](http://www.downtownmagazinenyc.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/15176590691_a6374c40e4_b.jpg).

In the afternoon, they went back to Dumbo. And Isak couldn’t help but blush when they walked along the Brooklyn Heights Promenade.

“What are you thinking about?” asked Even.

“You. I’m thinking about you,” Isak admitted.

“You’re so cute,” Even beamed and grabbed him by the hips.

“Damn! You two are really too much,” Jonas sighed.

“Screw you, Jonas. You were way worse with Eva!”

.

“Okay, next up is the High Line,” said Magnus.

“The high what?” asked Isak.

“The High Line! Are you sure you’ve been in New York for 8 months? What the fuck? It’s like number 3 on my list,” said Magnus.

“You have a list?”

“Yeah, I never took you to the High Line. How could I forget?” said Even.

They made it to [ High Line ](https://s3.amazonaws.com/production.files.thehighline.org/page_panels/page_panels_template_b/image_3_1436827707.jpg) in the Meatpacking district, and Isak struggled to wrap his head around the concept of a park built on top of a disused elevated railroad.

“New Yorkers are so creative. Wow,” said Isak.

“Even I knew about this thing,” said Jonas.

“Whatever.”

They walked for ten blocks, took pictures, then decided to sit on the grass [ in front of one of the streets ](http://www.thehighline.org/sites/files/images/0001%20Photo%20by%20Ashley%20and%20Aron%20Bruhn.%20hitherandthither%20.%20net%20WEB.jpg) and wait for the sunset.

“It’s quite a sight. It’s worth it,” said Even.

They ended up lying down on the grass, with Jonas playing songs on his phone while Magnus took a nap.

Isak snuggled closer to Even’s chest, and the older boy played with his hair.

When Jonas and Magnus went down to buy some ice-cream, Even wrapped his hands around Isak’s waist.

“Hmm. So Jonas, hm,” he said.

“What?”

“He’s cute,” said Even.

“What the fuck?”

“I’m just saying.”

“He’s my best friend!” Isak yelled.

“Ouch, that hurts.”

“Even, you’re my **boyfriend**.”

“I just said he’s cute. And he seems reliable and kind.”

“Whatever.”

They stayed silent for a few minutes then Isak spoke again.

“Okay, I might have had a crush on Jonas when I was at Nissen.”

Even laughed then propped himself on his elbow to look at Isak.

“Did something happen?” he asked.

“What?! No! Besides he’s as straight as they come. It was just, you know, infatuation or whatever. I mean he was the first guy I ever felt attracted to,” said Isak.

Even played with his hair and nodded.

“Are you jealous?”

“No, baby. I’m not jealous,” said Even.

“Okay.”

Even smiled and kissed him, just a peck.

“I’m glad you told me. Now, I feel even worse for not transferring to Nissen in my third year. I would have swept you off your feet.”

“Yeah right. Sure,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“I’m serious. I’m imagining you at seventeen now. Oh my god. Shit.”

“Shut up,” Isak blushed and Even laughed.

“I love it when you get all shy. I love you.”

Isak could have shoved him and replied with ‘shut up’. But Even looked so good in his white t-shirt drenched in [ pre-sunset ](https://www.instagram.com/p/2GKgDRq4MS/media/?size=l) rays. So he reached out and touched his face instead.

“I love you, too.”

.

“Shit they’re still making out. I can’t do this. Jonas, we should just explore shit by ourselves from now on.” Isak heard Magnus complain.

.

**Magnus Fossbakken**

01:23

Bro i can totally handle two dudes banging but i need to sleep

Can u guys stop fucking for a minute

.

Two weeks flew by. Jonas and Magnus went out in the city by themselves during the week while Isak worked and went to his labs. He stayed at his own place some nights, and left the boys with Even.

It felt like Even had always been part of their little group, and Isak couldn’t help but feel weird about it. _You fit so perfectly into every aspect of my life._

Magnus was devastated when he learned that Markus was on vacation in California. He really wanted to meet him and Isak laughed at the mere thought of the two boys actually having a conversation.

Jonas and Magnus ended up leaving the city to go explore Boston and DC. Emmanuel helped them book an Airbnb, and Magnus couldn’t stop talking about his beard.

.

Isak went apartment hunting without Even and couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. He spent almost all of his nights at Even’s, and he felt stupid paying rent and never actually staying there. But he truly believed that their dynamic would shift somehow if he moved in.

Isak remembered Even needing space when he was depressed, and he didn’t know what he would do if a similar situation were to happen again.

_I don’t know what to do._

He knew that Even wanted him to move in with him. He knew that it was the reason he had been acting so weird after they visited that first apartment together.

Even somehow became insecure and started almost tiptoeing around him. He kept bringing himself down and saying that he was ‘fucked up’ and ‘didn’t know what he was doing or thinking’ and how he understood that Isak would never want to move in with him.

Even was going to therapy and seeing his doctor regularly, but Isak still felt that he wasn’t convinced he deserved a shot at happiness. He could see it in his eyes whenever they were too happy.

It would only last a second, and it would only be a flicker, but Isak never missed it.

It was as if Even stopped and reminded himself that whatever happy moment they were having was temporary. It hurt.

.

Isak couldn’t decide on a place, so he ended up taking over Markus’ roommate’s room for a month. The 28 year old guy was on his last PhD year, so he traveled with his adviser to South Korea for a seminar.

Isak paid the rent for the month and figured that it would give him time to look for something more permanent, since he couldn’t walk around town while Magnus and Jonas were still there.

.

Magnus hugged Even for way too long the morning of their departure. Even couldn’t make it to the airport as he had an important lab to attend, but he promised he would visit in Oslo.

Jonas cracked jokes on the AirTrain, but Isak was still sad to see them leave.

“Don’t worry, bro. We’ll see you in like 5 months,” said Jonas while wrapping him in a tight hug.

* * *

**Even <3**

13:11

Are you crying?

Don’t cry baby <3

Don't be sad

Im not crying wTF

Me these past 3 weeks

Wtf EVEN

u’re not a dog

You laughed didn’t you

bby???

I did

I laughed :p

Haha <3

<3333

on a lighter note we can have shower sex again now

ugh bye

* * *

The fall semester started, and Isak was swamped with work. He absolutely hated Markus’ other roommates, but the weather was perfect and Even kept taking him on cheesy strolls around the city and on ‘cultural’ events.

“Even, what are you doing?”

“I’m kissing your neck.”

“We’re watching freaking Ballet! For you! And you’re trying to get me all hot and bothered. How dare you?!”

.

“I love the Fall. Fall is probably my favorite time of the year in **New York City**. I can’t wait for you to see all the [ foliage in Central Park ](http://nyevents.us/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/1475376346_14468624_1162265513870887_1807607231119682282_o.jpg). You’re going to love it!” said Even.

.

“That’s it. I can’t live with Markus anymore. I’m sick and tired of cleaning after him. That’s it!” Isak sighed as he made his way to Even’s bed.

“Baby, you barely clean after yourself. What are you talking about?” Even laughed.

“Ugh, shut up!” said Isak, burying his face in Even’s Tommy Hilfiger pillows.

“Isak.”

“Hm?”

“Move in with me,” said Even.

“Uh.”

“Listen,” Even sat on the bed, and took Isak’s hand. “I know we’ve had this conversation before, but I think we can make it work. I know it’s a long commute to Columbia but hell! I’ll literally walk you to your classes. I don’t care. And if you’re sick of me, I can sleep on the couch, or you can take Sophie’s room. She’s almost never here these days after she got into a relationship. And we can split the rent, that way you don’t feel weird. And we can use that money to do more stuff. We still have to watch a Broadway show and visit the museums that actually cost money. I have to take you to the [MoMA](http://sites.psu.edu/museumstudies2015/wp-content/uploads/sites/21398/2015/01/moma2.jpg). I mean we can go for free on Fridays after 4, but I feel like we should spend at least a day there. And I know I might go off the rails, but I’m doing my best. I’m trying my hardest, I promise. I don’t miss a single day. And I’m adjusting my dosage constantly, and Dr. Manevitz is really optimistic. She thinks I’m doing great! Isak, I want this. I've never wanted to do something properly until now. I want to do this. If you want it, too. Of course. I don’t want to pressure you. But -”

_You’re killing me. I love you so much._

Isak couldn't help it. He was now on his knees on the bed kissing Even. 

“Stop talking,” he said against his lips.

“Isak, I’m serious.”

“I know,” said Isak, deepening the kiss.

Even grabbed him by the hips and pushed him onto his back, straddling him on the bed.

“And?”

“And I want to make out right now,” said Isak before pulling his down for another kiss.

“Isak..”

Isak flipped them around so that he was on top, then started unzipping his jeans. Even’s eyes went wide.

“Isak, what the hell?”

“Baby, I want you so bad,” said Isak, kissing his neck.

“Huh?”

“Please, please. I need you. You know how horny I get when you give me one of your speeches. I need this. Please? Let’s fuck. We can talk later,” Isak pleaded.

“Isak, why does it sound like you’re breaking up with me?”

“Ugh, shut the fuck up, Even! I want to ride you, okay? Happy?”

Even ran out of words.

.

“Isak?”

“Yes, fine! I’ll move in with you. Whatever.”

He was lying on Even’s chest, completely drained, blissful, and coming down from a sex-high.

Even was drawing circles on his back, and he kept randomly hugging him every ten minutes.

“Why do you keep hugging me like this?” said Isak.

“I keep forgetting that you said yes.”

“You’re so cheesy.”

“I know it’s just for four months but I’m still so happy,” said Even.

_Just for four months._

Isak’s heart started beating erratically in his chest. He had been so busy trying to find a place to stay for the rest of the semester that he forgot just how temporary it all was.

Even hugged him again, tight, too tight.

“Fuck, Isak. I can’t believe we only have four months left together.”

_What!?_

"Don't leave me," said Even.

Isak seemed to have forgotten that he was leaving in December to finish his degree in Oslo. And somehow, another very obvious fact had gotten lost in translation as well.

New York was magic. New York was the city that never slept. New York was beautiful and vibrant and high and dark and sad and complex and happy and broken and whole and giving and big, so big. New York was a dream. New York was magic.

**New York City** was another name for Even Bech Næsheim. And Even Bech Næsheim was another name for New York City.

Isak was leaving. Even wasn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm???? Don't hate me. Hope you enjoyed this? (EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. YOU KNOW ME)  
> .  
> Thank you for your song recs (made me cry), comments, kudos, tumblr asks, and everything else <3\. So many amazing people have started talking to me on tumblr. It makes me so happy!!  
> .  
> Thank you for being such faithful readers. Honestly you guys are TOO SWEET. I hope you're not too bored with this universe yet. I know that people tend to abandon stories when they get too happy haha (I do that, too!)  
> SERIOUS TALK: This fic will have 2 more chapters! I'm starting crazy work hours starting Monday so I simply won't have time to update during the week :(.   
> .  
> Last chapter will be Even's POV. Yes? Yes!   
> Alright, New York City = Even Bech Næsheim. On a scale of 1-10 how much do you hate me right now?  
> Leave a comment. Let's chat <333


	11. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even Bech Næsheim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is crazy long. It's Even Bech Næsheim's birthday today. So I just HAD TO pay him tribute somehow. Even's POV as requested by many <3  
> Warning: some sex talk

_“I can’t believe we only have four months left together.”_

Even didn’t mean to sound dramatic. He didn’t even think about what those words meant until they were out there in the air above them.

“Don’t leave me,” he added mindlessly, still blissful from the sex, still laughing into Isak’s hair, Isak who had tensed up in his arms.

Isak didn’t sleep that night. Even could tell because he had learned to match his breathing to the younger boy’s when he dozed off. He could tell because Isak’s hand stayed tightly wrapped around his arm all night. He could tell because Isak wasn’t there in the morning when he woke up.

_Just don’t think about it._

* * *

When Even first moved to New York City, everything was overwhelming and almost suffocating. He loved every second. He loved the uncertainty, the feeling of having no idea where he would end up. He walked all night down 8th Avenue and watched the sunrise reflect on the skyscrapers around Bryant Park. He got breakfast around 7 in the morning at a 24/7 diner near the Empire State Building and stayed until noon. He ordered eggs, coffee and bacon, and got refills until they started serving lunch.

It didn’t take a lot of looking around. In less than a week, he had slept with a dozen people and woken up in random parks half naked several times.

No one cared what he did. No one told him what to do. No one told him to take his meds. No one looked at him like he was about to break. The city was filled with people just like him, with no idea how they ended up there and why they bothered waking up in the morning.

Even gave and took and indulged and went as high as he could. The sky was the limit.

So Even felt at home. Finally, a place he could call home.

.

Even went completely off his meds because _why bother._ He stayed awake most nights, and went as fast as the city let him. He then spent weeks in bed contemplating ending everything. He thought about his parents, about his mom, about Sonja.

_I’m the one hurting. I’m the one fucking hurting, not them. I can’t take this anymore._

_._

Sophie and Emmanuel were a blessing. Even never understood why they accepted him and took him in. He had gotten several answers to his Craigslist ad, but most of them were even weirder than his. It only took one meeting in a hipster coffee bar for Sophie and Emmanuel to decide that they wanted him.

“But why?” he asked, eyes wide.

“What the fuck, kid? Do you want a place to stay or not?” said Sophie.

They were only about five years older than him, but they kept calling him ‘kid’ and taking care of him. Even didn’t understand why. Sure, when Sophie had a pregnancy scare, he went with her to the doctor’s and held her hand the entire time. But he still didn’t understand why she was so fond of him.

_I don’t deserve this._

Even considered moving out because his roommates started becoming too attached. He could see the look of disapproval in their eyes whenever he came home all drained and wrecked and bruised. Even had fled an entire country to avoid having to live up to people’s expectations.

_I just want to be able to fade away without ruining someone’s day._

But he stayed. He stayed because no one else wanted him, in Williamsburg at least.

.

Even met a girl. She was in one of his classes. She reminded him of Sonja when she wasn’t controlling and patronizing. Her name was Sarah. She was nice, smelled great, and she had watched more movies than him. He liked spending time with her. She never asked for more than he could give, and the sex was great.

But Even broke her the same way he broke everyone. She walked into his apartment one night and found him in bed with two men. Well, it was actually against his bedroom wall.

Even didn’t realize what happened until he woke up two days later to a long message from Sarah. He hadn’t meant to hurt her. He had just wounded up in a random bar in Bushwick and somehow ended up shoved against a wall with a gay couple looking to spice things up.

He wanted to say that he was bipolar and that sometimes he couldn’t control what he did. But it was pointless. She hadn’t crossed his mind at all that entire night.

Her message was filled with hurt and cruelty. _“You’re fucking sick. You’re a fucking perverted asshole. Fuck you! Fuck you! No one will ever fucking love you.”_ Even read the message to himself every day for two weeks. _“You’re fucked up. I fucking hate you. You broke my heart!”_

Sarah eventually started texting him again a few weeks later. She seemed remorseful, hurt, but still remorseful. So he texted her back.

**Hey, Sophia. I’m sorry about that stuff that night. I’m a total dick. Take care.**

She never contacted him again.

.

Even started sleeping with random people, and whenever they got too attached, he called them by some random name. He figured it was the easiest way to hurt someone on a personal level so that they never tried to reach out and help him or save him or whatever. It was for them.

It worked most times, but he still got heinous messages every once in a while. He noticed that most people didn’t even bother correcting him when he called them by the wrong name. They just walked away and stopped talking to him altogether. Nobody had time. Nobody really cared. Nobody thought he was worth it deep down. And it was okay, because he didn’t think he was either.

Even eventually got bored of regular sex and picking up strangers in bars and clubs and concert venues, so he turned to the internet. He enjoyed it the first couple of times, but then it got too rough, too exhausting, and whenever he came down from his highs, he reached despair at an even deeper level.

Hustling came with its perks and a sweet lady paid his rent for a while. But it wasn’t until he met the strangest couple in Tribeca that he truly reached the bottom. He cried so hard on his way out of the building. He was completely naked and his hands were still cuffed. He was hysterical and he couldn’t breathe. His throat was on fire and his lower back felt completely numb. When the police pulled over and arrested him, he had never been so relieved to be taken into custody.

“He’s coming after me! He’s going to choke me again! They wanted to fucking kill me! I’m going to fucking die. Help me please help me! I don’t want to die, please!” he cried to the police officer covering him with a blanket.

He got out in one piece and was forced to go to therapy.

Dr. Manevitz was kind yet detached. Even liked her.

“You’re lucky to have been diagnosed that young,” she said.

“I think you and I have very different definitions of the word lucky,” he said with a smile.

“What happened to your throat?”

“Got fucked too hard,” said Even, very casually, staring into her eyes to revel in the shock.

But there was nothing there. She simply nodded and said “I see.”

She became his favorite person in the world.

That was until, well, until he met Isak Valtersen.

.

Even had no idea he would end up at Webster hall that night. It was a Saturday. It was cold but his skin was burning. So he put on a t-shirt and his Denim jacket. He still had the yellow headband from the neon party at the House of Yes, so he wore that, too.

“You look fucking ridiculous,” said Emmanuel.

“Don’t I always?”

He walked down Bedford avenue, stopped for a drink at a random bar, then walked out and bought six packs of gum at a grocery store and some candles for Sophie, 20 candles to be exact. He went back home and smoked three joints, opened a beer and drank it on his window sill. He opened the window and let the freezing air fill his lungs. He looked at the people walking down the street and drank some more. He opened the pack of gum and put four or five pieces in his mouth at the same time. He lit up a cigarette then realized he was still chewing gum, so he spit it out into the street. Some guy yelled “Fuck you!” from under his window, so Even smiled and waved at him.

He went on his laptop and checked his e-mail.

**Empire of the Sun - Terminal 5 - Doors 8PM**

**Crywolf - Studio at Webster Hall - Doors 8PM**

**Borgore - Output - Doors 10PM**

**Masquerade - House of YES - Doors 11PM**

Even looked at his fourteen open tabs, opened another beer, then flipped a coin. _Webster Hall it is._

He bought the ticket immediately and left his apartment without closing the door.

.

A girl was grinding against him, and it wasn’t exactly unpleasant but she kept giggling and batting her eyelashes at him. He knew exactly what she would look like in bed. She was probably a loud one. He mentally slapped himself for being a _dick_. But he just wasn’t in the mood for that tonight. He considered leaving altogether and hanging outside Terminal 5 for the next exciting thing, when he locked eyes with a boy.

.

Even could hear his heart drumming in his ear. He could feel his palms getting sweaty. He could feel his entire body throbbing under the boy’s gaze.

_Fuck. I want you._

He followed him to the bathroom, and when he heard him speak Norwegian, Even thought it was a sign from the universe.

_Fuck me. What is this._

The boy was shy and nervous, but he still had an air of faux-confidence to him. Even found him adorable. He wanted to take him right there in the bathroom. He wanted to press him against the wall and lick his neck.

“Come outside.”

.

His name was Isak and his laugh was even more adorable than his face. So when he asked him what his type was, Even went full in.

“You. My type is you.”

_I want to fuck you._

Isak’s whole face morphed into something between horror and arousal. Even wasn’t sure. So when they got back inside, he stood behind him and pressed against him. Isak melted and pushed back, so Even pulled away.

_Yes, we’re definitely fucking tonight._

.

Even’s head was spinning with lust. He always felt everything too much. He was on a high, a good one. He still knew what he was doing. But all his thoughts were consumed by this shy boy who could say his name right, this boy who was flustered and confused and had a hint of insecurity in his eyes. Even didn’t want to play this game any longer. He could tell that Isak was wondering what was happening, if he had fallen victim to a tease or a bully. So he went straight to the point.

“Wanna go back to my place?”

Isak seemed in total disbelief at the thought of Even wanting to take him home.

_What the fuck? Look at you._

Something screamed at the back of his mind to stop and run away. Isak was clearly a closet case, and he would only end up leaving him with some permanent scars.

_But. But. How can I walk away when he’s looking at me like this, begging to be fucked._

Even let the ugly side of him took over. He was too aroused, too horny, too high, too eager, too everything. Nothing else mattered except taking this boy back home, and pressing him against a wall, and making him writhe and moan between his sheets, and -.

“What’s your last name?”

It felt like a slap. Even stared at Isak for a few moments, Isak whose lips were already parted.

_My last name? What? Why? What?_

“Bech Næsheim. Even Bech Næsheim.”

.

Even probably fell in love with Isak when they kissed for the first time on the subway. It was absurd but Even didn’t even try to rationalize any of it. His brain was on fire and his heart was beating fast, too fast. It was awfully cheesy, but for a moment he felt like the entire universe was screaming _“This is IT! THIS IS IT!”_ at him.

He had a boy moaning against his lips in the overcrowded L train, and suddenly all of his senses went on overdrive. He was sweet, and he couldn't run for too long, and he couldn't swipe his Metrocard properly. Isak was flustered and cute, so cute.

_FUCK ME. I’M FUCKED._

.

Isak was funny and adorable. He was a grumpy and cynical, but everything about him screamed ‘good’ ‘too good’ ‘too pure’ ‘don’t break me’ ‘please, please don’t break me’.

Even was fascinated, and he couldn’t stop touching and stroking and asking questions.

“I want to fuck you. Can I do that?”

.

Even was lost. His heart was drumming in his ears. His hands wanted to grab and yank and take. But Isak looked too fragile, too worn out. He had bruises all over his body, and he flinched whenever Even touched him too intimately.

_What the fuck am I doing to this boy._

But Isak wanted it so badly. He moaned at the simplest touches. He panted when all Even did was kiss his inner thighs. He was beautiful, so beautiful.

“Please. Fuck me. Please, please. Please,” he begged.

Even was only human, so he did.

.

Even couldn’t stop. He couldn’t stand the thought of not being inside him. He couldn’t stand the thought of Isak’s moans stopping. He couldn’t not have him under his fingertips. He felt like he would disappear the moment he stopped thrusting into him. So he didn’t. And Isak took all of it, all night, always asking for more, all wrecked, and beautiful, with tears all over his face, all night, _all fucking night._

“Fuck me. Fuck me. Please. Please. Yes.”

Isak didn’t stop, so Even didn’t either.

.

When Isak fell asleep, Even felt himself tip over the edge.

_What the fuck is this? Am I in love? What the fuck?_

He touched him until the sun rose. He touched him until Isak snuggled against his chest and started breathing softly.

_I can’t get enough. I don’t want to stop. I’m not fucking stopping._

By 6:30, Even realized he was probably going mad. He left the bed and sat on the window sill. He looked at the cars, at the early morning runners, at the brave coffeeshop employees on their way to work. He stared at the clouds and wondered if there would ever be an end to his suffering, if there would ever be a day in which he’d be allowed to get what he wanted.

He thought about the odds of meeting Isak. He had been hesitating between 14 places. He could have ended up anywhere. 1/14 were good odds, but what were Isak’s plans that night? Maybe, he was hesitating between 14 places, too. What did that bring the odds to?

_Fuck, why can’t I count? Concentrate!_

Fourteen possibilities for Even and fourteen possibilities for Isak amounted to twenty-eight possibilities. But was that how probability worked? Probably not. It was probably 14 multiplied by 14. Multiplication or addition? Besides, Even was about to leave when Isak locked eyes with him. What if he hadn’t seen him? What if the light never shone over Isak at that exact moment during that exact part of the song? Would he be sitting on his window sill wondering if he was in love or if his mind was playing tricks on him again? Was Isak even as beautiful as he believed he was at that moment? Did he even know what love was at all? Was it 1/28 or 1/196?

“Good morning!” said Isak.

“Oh hey, you’re up.”

.

Even couldn’t stop thinking about the odds of them meeting. He was still calculating and adding in more variables and looking at the window when Isak curled his hand around the back of his neck and pressed their lips together.

_What the fuck._

Even panicked and lost his entire train of thought.

_Fuck I was so close to getting it right. I was so close._

“What was that for?”

“I’m leaving,” said Isak.

He looked hurt. Even realized that whatever he had felt was probably mutual. Isak was frowning and his hands were curled into fists, but there was something cruel in his eyes: hope.

_Oh baby, trust me, you don’t want this._

“Okay,” said Even.

Even was being ruthless. He knew it. But Isak looked like he was going to leave only to come back a few moments later, so he did what he always did.

“Hey, Chris. You forgot this.”

.

Isak was gone, as planned. Even was back to calculating and trying to understand if the universe had pulled some strings for him to meet Isak the previous night.

“Hey, you fucking asshole!”

Isak was back, and Even forgot what he was doing.

“That’s not my fucking name!” Isak was crying, and something inside Even broke.

“My name is Isak, not fucking Chris. The least you could do is remember my fucking name.”

.

When Isak left, Even felt like he had just crashed. He felt like he had come down from his high and like everything was crashing and burning. It took him a minute to catch up with reality. And the next thing he knew was that he was outside, completely naked, with Sophie holding his shoulders.

“What the fucking shit Even!? You’re fucking naked!” she screamed.

“I have to go after him. Sophie, I fucked up. Sophie, I think I broke him.”

.

Even spent days in bed trying to decide how to tell Dr. Manevitz that he wanted to end his life. He couldn’t do it anymore. He had reached a level of self-loathing that made him want to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.

_That’s too dramatic._

He called her and told her, and she had Emmanuel bring him in.

.

When Even got better, he stayed at home and pined.

“What’s wrong?” said Sophie.

“I can’t stop thinking about a boy.”

“Hm?”

“I brought a boy home the night it all went to shit. His name is Isak. And I can’t stop thinking about him. I’m going fucking crazy again.”

“Okay. Did you try looking for him?”

“Yeah, I even went to fucking Columbia and stood next to the library waiting for him to magically pop-up,” said Even.

“Did you try looking for him on Facebook?”

“You know I don’t have facebook.”

“Well, it’s the easiest way to find him if you know his name. There are groups and stuff. Check out Columbia’s Event groups or something.”

* * *

  

 

> **Even Bech Næsheim**
> 
> 1 hr ago
> 
> **Hello! I’m not selling anything, but I’m desperate. I’m looking for my one-night stand from a month ago. Prettiest person in the world, goes to Columbia, Norwegian, mindblowing in bed, goes by the name ‘not fucking Chris’. Don’t know the last name though :(.**
> 
> **I fucked up. I’m sorry. Can we talk? Can’t get you out of my head*.**
> 
> **Help me guys, thanks.**
> 
> 789 likes, 38 comments

* * *

Even tried to stay away. He did. But he simply couldn’t.

For some reason, Even couldn’t get over the fact that he met Isak that night in the first place. He was still obsessed with the randomness of their encounter. He was convinced that some sort of forces beyond his own understanding had interfered and shifted their orbits so that they could meet at a Crywolf concert.

Even was a big believer in the "Direct your own life" school of thought. He thought he could always make things go his way. But he couldn't ignore the grandeur of their first meeting.

_It has to mean something._

Sometimes in the middle of the night, his mind started racing with thoughts of him in his bed, completely disheveled and ruined and panting.

_I miss your skin._

_I think you ruined me for everybody else._

Even decided that he would take what he could get. He decided that simply having Isak in his life would be good enough. He had hurt him so deeply, and it was going to take time to regain his trust. But Even decided that it was worth it. So he pined, and waited, and sent dog memes, and came to get him when he passed out on a bench, and took care of him, and held him, and kissed him when he asked him to, and went to see him again after he crashed and burned for the second time in a few months.

.

“I’ve never felt like this before.”

When Isak kissed him at the Brooklyn Heights Promenade, Even’s mind went completely blank.

_Is this really happening?_

Isak kissed him breathless and with such consuming passion that Even forgot to breathe. All his senses were heightened again, and nothing mattered more than this boy in his arms. So he licked into his mouth, and pushed him against the railing, and moaned when Isak pulled his hair, and took and took and took.

“Do you have any idea what you do to me?”

.

Isak and Even became ‘friends’, and those were the happiest days of his life. Summer was around the corner and he took him everywhere. Isak smiled the entire time, and started holding his hand, and kissing him, and looking at him like he hadn’t driven a dagger through his heart just a few months before.

When it got too intense, Even felt like he was being unfair to Isak, Isak who hadn’t signed up for the _fucked up_ version of Even Bech Næsheim. So he told him, because if he was going to trust anyone with his demons it was Isak.

“I’m bipolar.”

.

Even was in love with Isak. He loved him with every fiber of his being. He loved the way he struggled to eat pizza and always got some of it all over himself. He loved the way his cheeks dimpled sometimes when he smiled too hard. He loved how he couldn’t keep his balance on the subway and always had to hold onto a pole or even better: onto Even. He loved how loving and soft Isak was, how he would curl against him at night and breathe softly. He loved how horny he would get, how sassy and demanding. He loved how he looked between his legs, eyelashes wet and lips pink and swollen when he took him in. He loved how he gasped whenever Even held his hand, and how he smiled whenever he went on tangents. He loved how Isak did the most random things like reach out and press a thumb between his eyebrows in the middle of a crowded bookstore. He loved how he smelled and melted under his touch. He loved how overwhelmed he always looked when Even pressed him against a wall and touched his hair. He loved how Isak couldn’t believe the effect he had on him, and how he had to remind him every day. He loved how grumpy Isak could be and then how pliant he would get the moment Even placed a hand on his hip. Even loved Isak with all his heart. He loved him more than he loved life. And it destroyed him.

.

When Isak told Even that he loved him, his world came crashing down. They were finally having sex, finally _making love_ as Even would say. He was inside him and it felt like everything was right in the universe. But then the earth suddenly stopped spinning.

“I love you.”

_No you don’t. You don’t love me. You can’t love me. I will destroy you._

Even was so focused on his feelings for Isak that he forgot to think about his boy’s.

_What have I done?_

_“I love you,” Isak whispered, staring into his eyes. “Whether you believe it or not. I love you.”_

.

Even started experiencing everything with more intensity. Colors were brighter, the weather was warmer, his smiles were wider, and Isak was even more beautiful if that was even possible. He was ethereal and Even couldn’t believe he had him.

So he kissed him, and pressed him against walls, and shoved him in dressing rooms, and bought every single thing that reminded him of the younger boy. He was constantly making him moan and pant. He reveled in in it.

_I want to give you everything. The universe is literally on our side._

He could see worry dancing in Isak’s eyes, but he refused to acknowledge it.

_I’m fine. I’m fine._

So he took, and gave, and danced, and loved, and smiled during the entire months of June and July. He took him to pride and kissed him everywhere. They had sex whenever he could get his hands on him. Their conversations got filthier and Even couldn’t stop.

“Drop your cart. Let’s go home. I need to fuck you so bad,” he whispered into his neck

“Even, we’re in fucking Trader Joe’s getting food!” said Isak all flustered.

“I don’t care, I’m so fucking hard right now. I need you baby.”

.

He shoved his hand down Isak’s jeans in the middle of a Neighbourhood concert at Panorama festival.

“Come for me, baby,” he whispered in his ear. “You look so hot like this.”

.

He pressed him against the wall in the shower and kept thrusting into him until the water ran cold.

“Even, f-fuck. Fuck,” Isak cried.

“You look so fucking good like this, fucking hell baby.”

“Fuck me, fuck me. Yes. Please! Even. Please!”

When Emmanuel forced them apart to use the bathroom because they had been “going at it for fucking hours”, Isak wouldn’t look at him for the rest of the day.

He winced whenever Even touched him and went back to Harlem for the night.

.

When Isak announced to the entire bar that they were **boyfriends** , Even felt like combusting. He was so happy that the universe could have been obliterated and he wouldn’t have batted an eye.

.

Isak could barely walk when Even dragged him to the bathroom. He was drunk and kept bumping into tables. Even found it cute, and Isak smiled back.

When he had him pressed against the wall and started fishing for lube and condoms in his backpack, Isak was wobbling and nearly fell a few times when Even wasn’t holding him.

“I can’t believe you’re my boyfriend,” he said while unzipping Isak’s jeans and pulling them down.

“You’re mine,” mumbled Isak.

“Yes, baby I’m yours. I’m gonna fuck you so good.”

“Even, I love you so much,” said Isak, head thrown backwards against the wall, looking so tired and so beautiful.

“Baby..”

“Don’t talk. Just fuck me.”

Isak was crying and his moans started sounding like screams in Even’s mind. He wrapped his arms around his back while Isak hugged his shoulders, and he pushed into him like the world was about to crumble.

“Fuck, it hurts,” Isak cried.

“Isak?”

“Don’t stop, please.”

Even didn’t.

For a moment, he felt like a third person in the enormous bathroom. He was watching a boy roughly thrusting into another boy who was crying.

_What am I doing?_

It was barely there, but it was there.

“Come for me, baby. Yeah?”

But Isak was no longer responding. Isak passed out and Even panicked for a good minute before putting him down, dressing him, and dragging him outside.

_What the fuck._

Markus was horrified when he saw Even almost carrying Isak out of the bar, but then he shrugged and said that he always knew he couldn’t handle his alcohol.

When they made it to the subway, Even reached out to grab Isak’s face and made him lean against his shoulder. He was restless and fidgeting. He felt like setting himself on fire. His brain was in a jumble.

_What did I do what did I do what did I do_

.

Isak was sobbing.

“Even, I don’t know what to do! You’re slipping away from me. I’m losing you. I’m so fucking scared. Fuck, tell me what to do. I’m so scared. Please, please!”

.

Even hurt Isak both emotionally and physically. Dr. Manevitz had suggested he developed cues so that he could tell when he was slipping. The person that meant the most in the world to him screaming that he was slipping in the middle of a crowded subway was one of his cues.

Suddenly he was running down to the Upper West Side. He was running and crying hysterically.

_I didn’t mean to hurt you. Fuck. Isak. Fuck me. I hate myself. Please forgive me._

.

Even didn’t remember the rest. He just knew that he was at the hospital, that he had messed up, and that Isak was holding him tight.

.

It was tough but they got through it. He never thought Isak would stay through the ugly. But for some reason, he did.

Even never forgave himself for what he did to Isak. But for some reason, the younger boy did.

Isak was the strongest person Even had ever meant, and he had no idea what he had done to deserve him. So he told him every day.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“Move in with me.”

“Don’t leave me.”

* * *

**September**

“Can’t believe we only have four months left together.”

.

**Isak <3333**

09:12

Where are u :(

Had a meeting with lab partner this morning

Forgot about it

It’s ok

Want me to come pick u up after class?

Nah

I have a metrocard too u know

 

 

 

 

 

  

Memes from 2016 rly?

U’re hurting me

:p

* * *

Isak didn’t come home that night. When Even texted him about it, he said he had to get ready to move out of Markus’ and that the place was a mess. Even tried to not overthink it, but he couldn’t help it.

By the third night, Even threw on one of Isak’s t-shirts and headed for Harlem. But as soon as he reached the door, Isak was there with some of his luggage.

“Isak? I was just coming to see you.”

Isak threw his bags on the floor and hugged him. Even melted into it.

“I missed you. I’m sorry,” said Isak, into his hair.

“Why are you sorry?”

“I don’t know. I was being a dick. I freaked out,” he said.

Even pulled away from the hug.

“About moving in with me?” Even asked.

“Uh, yeah.”

Isak hugged him again, then kissed him.

“I missed you. I missed your bed.”

.

They didn’t talk about it. Even was just happy that Isak was officially living with him, filling the space, playing fifa, leaving dirty socks everywhere, complaining when Emmanuel took too long in the shower.

September flew by. By October, Isak was always too tired to even listen to Even’s gibberish and would doze off at 23:00. The commute was killing him, and Even felt bad for putting him through it. So he massaged his legs or woke him up with a blowjob from time to time.

By the beginning of October, Even felt like Isak barely paid any attention to him. He was always working or tired or busy.

Even tried to busy himself with school but nothing was working out for him. He had no inspiration. He sat in front of his sketchbook for hours, but nothing made it past his thoughts. Suddenly, everything was in grayscale. Something was sucking the colors out of his life, and it wasn’t the impending winter. Even felt tired and restless and bored.

He couldn’t write. He couldn’t draw. He couldn’t create. His favorite tracks didn’t make him feel things anymore. His favorite parks didn’t make him feel happy and creative anymore. And Isak, well Isak didn’t look at him with that quiet adoration anymore. Sometimes, he barely looked at him at all.

_I’m becoming boring. So boring. He’s getting sick of me._

It started as a small thought at the back of his mind. It was barely there. It would only show when Isak would avoid his gaze or crash at Markus’ because he was too tired.

But by the end of October, Even couldn’t do it anymore. It was all he could think about. It ate at him. He felt like his personality was morphing into something soulless, like the meds were sucking the life out of him. And it became an all too consuming thought even through the good times.

.

One night, Isak mumbled _“what the fuck”_ to himself on his side of the bed then smiled at his phone.

“What is it?” Even asked.

“Uh, just this person texting me.”

“Hm, okay. Is someone hitting on you?” said Even, with a smile.

“Uh, not really. I mean I don’t know.”

Even propped himself on his elbow.

“Interesting,” he said.

“Ugh. It’s not like that. It’s this guy, Alexander. He’s Swedish. I met him ages ago when he was in the city. And I guess he’s back for a few weeks,” said Isak.

“Oh I see. You met him before me?”

“No. Uh. I met him after you called me Chris, remember that?”

“Ugh, fuck me,” Even sighed.

Isak laughed.

“Why do you still get annoyed by that?” he said, reaching out to play with Even’s hair. “Anyways, nothing happened with this guy. I mean something almost did but yeah I guess I was too hung up on you.”

Even’s eyes lit up.

“Aw, baby. Were you pining? Cause I fucked you that good?”

“Shut up,” Isak shoved him and blushed. “You’re so annoying.”

“So what does Mr. Alexander want?”

“He wants to see me, I guess. He’s asking if I’m seeing someone,” said Isak. “And as much as I like seeing you jealous, I’m telling him to fuck off.”

“Hmm. Look at you being a good boy,” said Even, bringing a hand up to Isak’s cheek.

“Yeah?” Isak smiled then leaned in for a kiss.

“Hmm. Want your reward now or later?” Even smiled against his lips.

“Are you kidding me? I feel like we haven’t fucked in ages. Let’s get you out of these awful clothes.”

“Isak, these are your clothes.”

“Whatever.”

.

For some reason, Even couldn’t stop thinking about this Swedish Alexander guy. He was in one of the studios, trying to get some actual work done, but all he could think about was Isak smiling next to some hot Swedish guy.

Even wasn’t even jealous. He mostly felt guilty. He wanted to give Isak so much more, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t fair to Isak. He deserved to be with someone who didn’t have to take meds every single day to remain sane. He deserved to be happy.

Even couldn’t take it anymore. He became more and more insecure and restless.

_Fuck. This isn’t me. Why am I being like this._

.

One night, Isak walked into the apartment and found Even on his window sill smoking a joint. He could smell it before he reached the room.

“Even, what the fuck?!”

“Shit. Isak, please don’t be mad.”

“What the hell? You’re smoking weed? Are you serious?”

“It’s just one fucking joint. I won’t die,” said Even, then quickly regretted it.

“That’s not how it works and you know it.”

“Isak, please don’t go all controlling on me. I hate that. You know I hate that.”

“What the fuck, Even? Do you seriously just expect me to do nothing?”

“You won’t understand,” Even sighed.

“Explain it to me then. Try me,” Isak was suddenly in his face, took the blunt from his fingers and brought it to his own lips. “You know I gave up on this shit for you, right?”

“Now, that’s not fair. I never asked you to do that,” said Even.

“Not the point right now. Even, why are you doing this?”

Even stayed silent until Isak’s hand touched his cheek. “Even?”

“I’m just. I’m so fucking bored, Isak. I feel like I can’t do shit anymore. I can’t draw. I can’t write. I don’t enjoy shit anymore. I just want to fucking feel something.”

Isak’s hand left his cheek as if it burned him to be touching him.

“W-what?”

“You won’t understand. You don’t know what it’s like to see the world in full color and then to have it become dull and gray. You won’t understand.”

When Even looked up at Isak, he was almost shaking.

“Am I too boring for you?” Isak said with a voice that was barely there.

“What? No. That’s not what I said.”

“What the hell? What am I supposed to get from this? I move in with you and suddenly your life is gray and you’re bored? What the fuck?” There was meanness in Isak’s voice. He was hurt.

“Isak, this has nothing to do with you. You’re the only good thing in my life, trust me. I just. Fuck, I just want to get high for one fucking night and forget about how you won’t even look at me sometimes,” said Even.

Isak stared at him with wide eyes.

“What?! What are you talking about?”

“Isak, you’re so distant lately. I don’t know how to fucking explain it but it’s killing me. It’s me who’s too boring. You’re getting sick of me!”

“Even, what the fuck?”

“Every three days you crash at Markus’ and you won’t even look me in the eyes anymore. And all I can think about is the freaking Swedish dude you had to say no to because of a fucked up basket case like me. You deserve better. I don’t know. I never get all insecure like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like these meds are turning me into a duller version of myself, and this isn’t what you signed up for”

Even looked out the window, and waited for Isak to say something, anything.

“You know what, Even? Fuck you! Just fuck you!”

Even finally looked at Isak. He was furious and there were tears around his eyes.

_Why is he so mad?_

“You’re so wrapped up in your feelings all the fucking time to notice what the real fucking issue is! I’m not looking at you because I’m going fucking crazy! Because I’m leaving in like 2 months! And when I signed up for this, I thought you were coming **home** with me. But surprise! You’re not! I’m freaking the fuck out. I don’t know how I’m going to leave you here. I can’t fucking sleep and you’re here telling me that I think you’re boring and that I should run away with fucking Alexander? What the fuck, Even? You’re everything to me, everything! When you say shit like this, you’re basically dismissing how I feel! I was freaking out this whole time because I didn’t realize that New York was **home** to you. It’s you who’s willing to let me go in a few months as if it isn’t fucking killing me inside! It’s you!”

_Wow. I’m so fucking stupid._

Isak was yelling and although Sophie couldn’t understand a word of what they were saying, she had the decency of closing their bedroom door.

“Isak, I..”

“No. Just. Don’t fucking say anything right now. I need some air.”

Isak left the room and the apartment altogether, and Even slammed his head against the window.

_Fuck me. Just fuck._

.

Isak wasn’t returning any of his calls and Even had to beg Markus for updates. He was okay. He was eating, going to class, and sleeping on their couch.

* * *

**Isak <333333**

22:14

IM SORRY

I’m such a fucking dick

I’m so sorry

I didn’t realize thats why you were being weird

Please come home

We can talk this out

Im sorry

15:25

Isak :((

I don’t want to let you go either

Please

I don’t know why I was being so fucking weird

Please come home

02:13

I can’t sleep

Im coming to get you tomorrow

.

When Even got to Markus’, Isak wasn’t there.

“Uh, I think he got an Airbnb. You know how much he hates my roommates, so,” said Markus. “By the way, what happened? He was so fucking sad, bro.”

“Ugh. Fuck this shit. I’m so dumb.”

.

**Isak <333333**

15:12

Where are you :(

Let’s talk

Please don’t dump me

 

 

 

 

 

Im not fucking dumping you

ugh

I just need time to find my chill

Isak pleaaaase come home

.

Isak stopped responding to his messages after that, and Even felt guiltier by the minute. However, he couldn’t help but feel strangely happy that Isak wasn’t getting bored of him. Even didn’t really need colors when Isak was around.

* * *

**Isak <333333**

19:13

Okay so you know that I’m not on good terms with my family.

I fucked up real bad when i was doing coke and i ruined them financially. I cant go back to oslo before i get my shit together. Just give me time please. Im working on it. I swear baby. I know we never talk about this but im hoping to get this internship in a big studio after graduation and it pays good money. I’ll be able to repay my parents and at least face them. Nothing’s set in stone yet, I’m just hoping at this point but i think i have good chances. It’s only 6 months and you’ll have graduated then. I dont know. We can make it work. im sorry you havent been sleeping im such a fucking dick. Please come home? Markus told me u got an airbnb like wtf? Anyways. I feel like shit im sorry please.

* * *

Even stared at his phone, but Isak wasn’t even reading his latest message. He grew desperate and restless again.

_Ugh, Isak you can be so stubborn sometimes._

He thought of every time he hurt Isak and had to beg for forgiveness afterwards. He thought about it long and hard. Isak was hurt because Even never really shared his future plans with him. And the truth was that Even had no plans. He never meant to dismiss him, and he wasn’t planning on letting him go after December. He just didn’t want to think about it. It was too big, too scary. He kept thinking that maybe something would happen and Isak would stay. Maybe Isak would get an internship. Or maybe Even would change his mind and go back to Norway with him. He didn’t know. He did his best to not think about it. It was too much.

New York had truly been his home for a good twenty months. The city that never slept took him in and accepted him with all his flaws and demons. New York never judged him and never put him down for being who he was. New York was always there for him when he felt like everything was crumbling. New York forgave his mistakes and comforted him when he was down. New York made him happy and made him feel less alone. New York was his home.

But now that Isak wasn’t returning his calls, he felt like it no longer was.

So Even logged into Facebook and typed ‘Columbia Lost and Found’ in the search bar.

* * *

  

 

 

> **Even Bech Næsheim** posted in **Columbia Lost & Found **
> 
> Today at 21:21
> 
> **LOST MY CHILL!**
> 
> **Hello Columbia University! I’m desperate again (at least I found the right group for this stuff this time). I somehow managed to lose my chill and I pissed off the one person that means the world to me :(**
> 
> **I already found it though (my chill). This is just for attention!**
> 
> **_BABY PLS IM SORRY CHECK YOUR MESSAGES. FUCK NEW YORK! YOU’RE MY HOME! I LOVE YOU_ **
> 
> **Thanks guys! :)**
> 
> 98 likes, 7 comments
> 
>  

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra!Even strikes again. Happy birthday to my golden boy <3  
> Guys <3<3\. As I've mentioned before, I'm going to be MIA starting Monday because of work. I'll be around of course, but I won't be able to write as much. I'll do my best to write stuff on weekends, like one-shots and stuff.  
> Okay, so I have one more chapter planned for this AU, but I'm thinking of adding another one (13 in total) just to tie everything together. I just don't want to end up with a 10K chapter lol. But it will take time. So if you guys are okay waiting for that 'epilogue' sort of, let me know!!  
> .  
> Thank you for being awesome as always. Sorry for the angst. Of course it was coming.  
> This was my way of paying tribute to my very own version of a very damaged Even. An Even who didn't meet Isak at 19, so no one loved him for who he was and told him that he wasn't alone.  
> I really wanted to bring back Extra!Even Facebook posts (lol Henrik's insta was an inspiration ngl). And I wanted angry!Isak to make a comeback again.  
> .  
> Another thing I wanted to go into is how hard it is to settle for normalcy and meds. The lows are awful but people tend to miss the Highs. Especially after experiencing everything with so much intensity, it's hard to settle for something less colorful afterwards. I wanted to explore that with Even because he's being so strong, but he's also only human. <3  
> .  
> Anyways, leave a comment if you thought this was way too long and I should stop hahaha, or not. Love you guyssss <33333


	12. Isak and Even

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Communication is key

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is long overdue but work has been kicking my butt.  
> Hope you like this <3

**Williamsburg, Brooklyn - October**

_"This is emotional manipulation, Isak. You know that, right?"_

* * *

**September**

_“Fuck, Isak. I can’t believe we only have four months left together.”_

Isak didn’t sleep that night. His heart was beating too fast, and his mind was spiraling out of control. He knew that Even could never fall asleep when he was fidgeting, and he knew how important sticking to his sleeping schedule was, so he stayed still. He held his breath and absentmindedly curled a hand around Even’s forearm. He didn’t realize just how hard he was clutching until Even tried to move him to hold him closer in his arms. He pretended to be asleep and let the older boy move his face to the crook of his neck.

Isak breathed him in. He breathed his skin. He closed his eyes and inhaled him. And when Even finally fell asleep, Isak allowed himself some silent tears in the dead of the night. He cried silently until he no longer could. So when the older boy loosened his hold, Isak left the bed and then the apartment altogether.

.

He felt like an idiot. When Even said that he only had a year of school left, Isak assumed he would go back to Norway. He assumed they would hold hands, take the AirTrain together, sleep at JFK, and run across the terminal. He assumed and assumed and assumed. And he was wrong, so wrong.

_I’m so fucking stupid._

.

After a couple of days of pining, self-loathing, pretending to be packing, and meeting imaginary lab partners, Isak missed Even so much that he felt like he was suffocating.

Even kept sending him the sweetest messages and Isak felt guilty, so so guilty.

.

He was having one of Markus’ crappy sandwiches when the German boy asked him what was wrong.

“I miss Even,” he admitted.

“Uhm, no offense, but what the fuck are you doing here then?”

“I don’t know.”

“Isak, did something happen?”

“Even asked me to move in with him,” said Isak, letting go of the sandwich and lying on his back on the couch.

“Wow, that’s like a big deal! Shit, you guys aren’t messing around,” said Markus. “So are you freaking out?”

“I did before, but I just want to be with him. I don’t care. He gave me this big speech. You should have seen him. I almost died,” said Isak, smiling to himself.

“Uh, that’s nice, I guess. But seriously, what are you still doing here, bro?”

Isak sighed dramatically.

“Because I’m going to fucking Oslo in December and he’s staying here.”

Markus left his seat on the table, walked over to Isak, and joined him on the couch.

“Shit, that sucks,” said Markus. “Long distance is shit.”

“How would you know?”

“I had a girl before coming here, you know. We were pretty serious.”

“What happened?” Isak turned his head to look at Markus.

“Hm, she dumped me because she said I chose Columbia over her.”

“That’s fucking stupid,” said Isak. “I mean it’s Columbia! It’s New York! It’s like your dream, what the hell?”

Markus sat up, looked at him, and smiled.

“Why are you smiling?” said Isak.

But then it hit him. “Fuck me, I’m so stupid.”

.

Isak finally packed his bags and took a cab.

“A cab? To Brooklyn? From here? Why are you so fucking dramatic, Isak?” said Markus.

“I don’t know. I guess Even rubbed off on me.”

.

The moment Even opened the door, Isak lunged at him with a hug.

“I missed you. I’m sorry.”

Isak hugged him tight, too tight, and smothered him with kisses. When they reached the bedroom, he kissed him so deeply that Even gasped and melted in his arms.

“Baby, I missed you, too. Fuck, I thought I did something wrong,” said Even.

“No,” Isak kissed him again. “Never! It was me. I’m sorry. I love you so much.”

“Aw. Look at you so full of affection! You should leave me more often,” said Even beaming.

Isak shoved him. “Ugh, shut up. I didn’t leave you.”

They slept entangled in one another, naked, and sweaty, and messy. And Isak couldn’t stop kissing his skin and his face.

“I will never leave you,” he whispered against Even’s skin in the darkness when the older boy fell asleep.

.

The next day, Isak went to Columbia’s International Students office and asked about ways he could stay and work in the US. Since he was an exchange student on a J-1 visa, he was eligible for Academic Training and could stay for at most a year if he managed to find an internship related to his field of study.

Isak walked around campus, read every flyer, and knocked on every professor’s door. He spent his days on Indeed.com, LinkedIn, and went to every career fair he heard of. He was determined to stay. He was smart enough. He could easily find something.

But Isak wasn’t very confident and he dreaded failing. When he first applied for the fellowship to Columbia, he didn’t tell anyone because he didn’t think he would get it and he didn’t want people knowing that he failed. So Isak didn’t tell Even about any of it. He didn’t want to get his hopes up and then crush him if he ended up not getting anything.

Isak spent most of his days preparing, interviewing, studying, and working. It was daunting physically and emotionally to sell himself to strangers. Sometimes, he had up to six interviews on the same day.

“Why do you want to work at our company?”

_I don’t know? Because I want to stay with my boyfriend? Can I say that?_

Isak remained confident for a couple of weeks, but when he realized he wasn’t hearing back from any of the places he applied for, his self-esteem started deflating.

He couldn’t sleep because he was too stressed all the time. When he reached home, he was always way too tired to do anything. And whenever Even looked at him with his entire face breaking into a smile, he couldn’t help but die a little bit inside.

_I’m trying so hard. I’m sorry I’m not good enough._

Isak couldn’t help it. His heart broke whenever he looked at Even, and he knew the older boy could read him like an open book.

So he stopped meeting his gaze.

.

Isak felt worse as days went by. He felt completely worthless, just another candidate in an endless pool of candidates.

_I don’t stand out. I’m so… forgettable._

He ended up getting to the finals rounds for a couple of internships, but they had nothing to do with what he wanted to work in.

_It’s just for a year. Suck it up._

.

Isak was in bed next to Even when he got Alexander’s text. He was feeling like absolute _crap,_ so the text put an actual smile on his face. _“What the fuck, ha.”_

**_Hey Isak! Dont know if you remember me but it’s Alexander. I’m back in town for a few weeks. I just walked past the restaurant where we had dinner and thought of you (you’re quite unforgettable). Up for a second date?_ **

“What is it?” said Even.

Isak thought about it for a second, but decided to tell Even who it was. He had no reason to keep it from him. So he told him about Alexander, typed a quick reply, deleted Alexander's number, and leaned in for a kiss.

**_Hey, thx for the text. I have a boyfriend i love very much now. Hope you enjoy your stay in city._ **

“Want your reward now or later?” said Even.

Isak realized he had been so busy finding a job and feeling like a failure, that sex had barely crossed his mind during those weeks.

_Fucking hell._

.

He had to spend a few nights preparing for the more technical interviews, so he crashed at Markus’ because he didn’t want to disturb Even’s sleeping schedule.

.

The morning of his final interview/Super Day, Isak got a call from his dad all the way from Norway.

_What the fuck? I don’t need this shit._

He ignored it.

* * *

**Pappa**

10:23

Isak I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for weeks!

You’re not being FAIR!

Mamma isn’t doing very well. She just left the hospital

You should call her

She really misses you. I think she’ll feel better if you come home

You’re coming back in time for christmas right?

You know how much it means to her

We would both appreciate it if you could spend christmas with us

I know it’s hard and we don’t talk but do it for Mamma

Miss you son

* * *

Isak stared at his phone for a couple of minutes before calling his mother. She was completely delirious, but she recognized his voice. She knew who he was.

“You’re coming home by Christmas, right my son?”

_No. I’m not coming._

“I’m so proud of you.”

_I just got out of my last interview. I’m probably not getting this one either. I can’t get a fucking job._

“God is always watching over you.”

_My boyfriend fucks me good and I enjoy the hell out of it. God doesn't watch over me._

* * *

Isak hung up, walked down Park Avenue with tears in his eyes, and wiped them away with the sleeves of the suit Adrian let him borrow. It looked too small on him _but what the hell._

He stopped by Adrian’s, folded the suit, and left it in front of his door when he didn’t answer the door.

.

**Adrian**

17:45

Hey thanks for the suit

Left it in front of ur door

No one’s in ur apt

It’s cool

Im at bryan’s sorry

How did ur interview go

Idk

I dont think i’ll get it but whatever

I dont even like the job

Why did u apply then

I told u

Cos i wanna stay in new york

…

?

For Even

Uhh for me, for us, whatever

Why?

Idk

Do u rly wanna stay here or is it just for Even?

Wtf??

Did u talk abt it? Why doesnt he wanna go back to norway?

Wtf adrian

There’s nothing to talk abt

Have u met him? He’s obsessed w nyc

But u’re not! U’re just obsessed w him!

That cant be healthy

Like what if smth happens and ure stuck here for a year

I mean i want u to stay obv

im just tryna be a friend

Adrian wtf?? bye

Isak im serious

Oh fuck off!!

What do u mean smth happens???

Like if he has another manic ep??

That wont happen

He’s being SO STRONG AND TRYING SO HARD

TO STICK TO HIS MEDS AND SHIT

Dude calm down

BESIDES WHAT IF HE DOES HAVE AN EP

DO U THINK I’LL JUST FUCKIN LEAVE?

He hasnt had fuckin alcohol in ages

ISAK OMG

He’s doing his fucking best

U’re being so UNFAIR

U dont even know him

Omg isak wtf calm down

WTF  IM NOT SAYING U’LL LEAVE HIM

BUT LIKE

WHAT IF HE LEAVES YOU

I DONT KNOW

What IF HE gets like bored or smth??

I read abt bipolar and he could get bored IDK

I DONT WANT TO BE RUDE seriouslyyy

But u’re acting like those girls who drop out of school to get married

?????

SERIOUSLY GO FUCK YOURSELF ADRIAN

* * *

Isak muted Adrian on messenger and took the L train back to Williamsburg. His phone kept buzzing. His mom had sent him over 39 messages on Whatsapp. He read every single one and held his head in his hands.

_Fuck. Just fuCK. Why is everyone on my fucking back today._

.

When Isak got home, Even was smoking a joint.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

.

“I’m so fucking bored, Isak. You don’t know what it’s like to see the world in full color and then have it become dull and gray,” said Even.

It shattered him. Isak felt every word pierce through him. _“What if he gets bored of you?”_

“Am I too boring for you?” he said, trying his best to keep himself together.

“Isak, you’re so distant lately. I don’t know how to fucking explain it but it’s killing me. It’s me who’s too boring. You’re getting sick of me!”

_Do you have any fucking clue how hard I’ve been working to fucking stay here with you. How dare you!_

“You deserve better! This isn’t what you signed up for!” said Even.

The older boy had this tendency to always remind Isak that he deserved better, completely disregarding his feelings in the process. Even felt everything with so much intensity that he often became blind to people around him. Isak didn’t realize he was one of those people as well, now.  _I don't want fucking better. I just want you!_

“You know what, Even? Fuck you! Just fuck you!

You’re so wrapped up in your feelings all the fucking time to notice what the real fucking issue is! I’m not looking at you because I’m going fucking crazy! Because I’m leaving in like 2 months! And when I signed up for this, I thought you were coming **home** with me. But surprise! You’re not! I’m freaking the fuck out. I don’t know how I’m going to leave you here. I can’t fucking sleep and you’re here telling me that I think you’re boring and that I should run away with fucking Alexander? What the fuck, Even? You’re everything to me, everything! When you say shit like this, you’re basically dismissing how I feel! I was freaking out this whole time because I didn’t realize that New York was **home** to you. It’s you who’s willing to let me go in a few months as if it isn’t fucking killing me inside! It’s you!”

.

Isak cried the entire way to Markus’ place.

* * *

**Adrian**

20:33

Isak seriously answer me!

Im so fuckin sorry abt what i said earlier

I didnt mean to be so rude

I guess im just a jealous hoe cos ill never find my Even

Pls ignore that shit

And Even is fuckin ace u know i love that guy

Like not love him

Anyways u get it

Are we still frienddsss???

U were fucking right

Im so fucking stupid

Isak???

Wtf happened?

.

Isak couldn’t sleep and when Markus started harassing him about what was going on, he took the german boy’s laptop and booked himself an Airbnb in Astoria. The bed was inflatable, but the guy wasn’t even home, so at least the had the entire place to himself to mope.

.

**Pappa**

12:23

Isak. Mamma isnt doing too well

She’s asking for you

Pick up her calls

.

_Can everyone just leave me the fuck alone? FUck!!_

.

**Even <3333333**

**15:12**

Where are you :(

Let’s talk

Please don’t dump me

Im not fucking dumping you

ugh

I just need time to find my chill

* * *

**Today at 15:15**

_Dear Isak Valtersen,_

_We appreciate your interest in our company and the time you’ve invested in applying for the internship opening._

_We ended up moving forward with another candidate, but we’d like to thank you for talking to our team and giving us the opportunity to learn about your skills and accomplishments._

* * *

Isak turned off his phone and swallowed a three sleeping pills that he got at the Student Health Center.

He couldn’t sleep but he felt dizzy, tired, and disoriented.

_Why does the universe hate me so fucking much. What did I do so wrong. What the fuck._

.

He stared at the ceiling, too tired to cry, too miserable to fall asleep. His phone was a few meters away, still turned off.

_What if Even is calling me right now? I can’t talk to him like this._

_Shit is he okay? What if he’s not sleeping?_

_What if he forgot to take his meds because of me?_

_Fuck me._

Isak left the bed to grab the phone. When he turned it on, it started buzzing uncontrollably. He had missed calls and texts messages from his mom, his dad, Jonas, the groupchat, Adrian, Markus, and Even.

He couldn’t bring himself to open Even’s messages first because he was too scared. So he opened the post Markus tagged him in first.

.

 

> **Even Bech Næsheim** posted in **Columbia Lost & Found**
> 
> 2 hours ago
> 
> **LOST MY CHILL!**
> 
> **Hello Columbia University! I’m desperate again (at least I found the right group for this stuff this time). I somehow managed to lose my chill and I pissed off the one person that means the world to me :(**
> 
> **I already found it though (my chill). This is just for attention!**
> 
> **BABY PLS IM SORRY CHECK YOUR MESSAGES. FUCK NEW YORK! YOU’RE MY HOME! I LOVE YOU**
> 
> **Thanks guys! :)**
> 
> 322 likes, 26 comments

.

Isak set the phone down and cried again.

_I need to stop fucking crying. Fuck. Fuck me. What is this._

.

The first two comments were from Markus.

 

> **Markus Müller** at 21:23
> 
> For fucks sake I FUCKING KNEW IT
> 
> You two are so fucking DRAMATIC
> 
> CHECK YOUR INBOX **EVEN**!

.

 

> **Markus Müller** at 21:24
> 
> **Isak Valtersen**

* * *

**Even <3333333**

**22:45**

EVEN

EVEN IM SORRY

I LOVE YOU TOO

IT’S SO FUCKING HARD

EVERYTHING FUCKING SUCKS

IM SORRY

IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH

I TRIED MY BEST

I SWEAR EVEN I PROMISE

I WORKED SO HARD

FUCK

AND MY MOM ISNT DOING WELL

IM TERRIFIED AND I FEEL SO GUILTY

AND ADRIAN SAID YOU’RE GONNA LEAVE ME

SHIT

EVEN

IM SO SCARED

EVEN PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME

PLEASE

I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO DIE

OMG Baby open the door

WHAT

Im here open the door isak

* * *

Isak looked up from his phone screen, vision all blurry, and realized that someone was knocking on his Airbnb door.

_What the fuck?_

.

When he opened the door, Even lunged at him with a hug so tight, he felt the oxygen leave his lungs.

“Isak, oh my god. Why didn’t you tell me? Fuck, baby. Are you okay?” Even rambled into his hair, his arms tightly wrapped around his back.

“Even..”

“Shh. It’s ok. You don’t have to say anything.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Isak cried into his shirt, then wrapped his arms around his waist, completely melting in his hold. “I’m so tired. I’m so..”

“Shh. Don’t talk,” Even whispered, running his hands up and down along his back, comforting him as he cried. “Isak, I’m sorry I’m such a fucking idiot.”

.

They hugged for a few more minutes before Even pulled back, wiped his tears, and kissed him once, twice, and then lost count.

“Isak, shit. Don’t cry.”

“I just saw your messages. I’m sorry. Just. How did you even find me?”

“Markus said you booked this through his laptop and didn’t log out, so he got me the address,” said Even, stroking his cheeks.

“Shit,” Isak looked down. “What else did he tell you?”

“Everything he knows. Adrian texted me, too.”

“Fucking shit.”

“Isak, why didn’t you tell me you were looking for a job?”

“I didn’t want to stress you out, too. I just. I’m so tired, Even.”

“Hey,” Even lifted his chin. “It’s okay. We can talk about it later. Let’s go home.”

.

They took the G train and Even sat them down in priority seats. He laced their fingers together and rested Isak’s head on his shoulder. The younger boy snuggled closer and pressed against his fingers. For the first time in days, Isak slept.

.

When they reached Williamsburg, Even woke him up by kissing his temple. And when they got to their bed, Isak sank under the sheets while Even took off both of their shirts before pulling him closer to his chest.

“Even, I’m sorry.”

“Shh. Just sleep, baby,” he whispered.

Even wrapped him in his arms so tightly, that Isak couldn’t help but melt. All his walls crumbled and his chest started heaving.

So he wrapped his arms around Even’s body and cried into his neck until he fell asleep.

“Please, don’t leave me,” Isak whispered into the dark.

“Baby, how could anyone leave you.” 

.

“Isak, you will go back to Norway and graduate next semester as planned,” said Even over breakfast at 1 in the afternoon. He was leaning on the kitchen counter while Isak was sitting down.

“But.”

“No buts!” said Even. “Did you really think I was going to just let you delay your graduation to babysit me? You need to graduate so that we can do stuff and travel you know.”

“But I don’t want to be away from you!” said Isak.

“Isak! It will be for at most 6 months! You can come back here or I can move back to Oslo, I don’t know. I just need some time to fix the shit with my parents.”

“But 6 months!”

“We can be boyfriends who fuck every 6 months and don’t talk sometimes. What do you think?” Even smiled.

“That’s not funny! You suck!” Isak rolled his eyes.

Even laughed then walked towards him and sat on his lap facing him, spreading his giant legs on either side of Isak’s waist.

“What are you doing?” Isak blushed.

“Gosh, I missed this. I missed you so much.” Even brought a hand to Isak’s face and stroked his cheek. He leaned into it.

“I missed you, too.”

They kissed lazily with Even still straddling Isak in the kitchen. The younger boy slipped his hands under Even’s shirt.

“Even..”

“Hmmm?”

“This is very sexy, but can we fuck now?”

Even gasped and pulled back.

“Isak Valtersen! I’m trying to be a nice and supportive boyfriend, making you breakfast, and connecting with you emotionally. But all you want to do is fuck!” he scoffed.

“Shut up,” Isak shoved him. “I’m so horny right now! And I’ve been so tired and stressed. Ugh, Even, Please?”

“You’re pouting? Oh my god. This is emotional manipulation, do you know that?” Even teased.

Isak pushed him off his lap, and if it weren’t for his giant legs, he would have fallen.

“That’s not very nice,” said Even, standing up on his feet.

Isak looked at him, smiled, then got up on his feet as well.

“You know that’s the first thing you said to me,” he said.

“Hm?”

“In Webster Hall, in the toilets. That was the first thing you said to me,” said Isak, bringing both hands to Even’s neck, and pulling him into a filthy kiss.

Isak pushed his tongue into Even’s mouth and pulled his hair, eliciting a moan from the older boy who quickly pushed him against the kitchen counter. Isak gasped.

“Fuck, Even. Want you so bad.”

“Hmm baby, gonna make all that stress go away,” Even held his jaw with one hand, squeezed his side with the other, then looked him dead in the eyes. “I’m gonna fuck you so hard.”

Isak’s knees gave out and his entire face flushed. Even grinned.

“You look kind of shocked. Are you okay?” he teased.

“Oh my god, Even! You’re the worst. Shit,” Isak was stuttering.

Even laughed but then tightened his hold.

“I’m not joking though,” he said, voice deep and low.

Isak shivered and his heart started beating fast. “Yeah?”

“Gonna fuck you into the mattress, baby. Would you like that?”

Isak’s head started spinning with lust and his lips were parted. “Fuck. Yes.”

“Tell me.”

“What.”

“Tell me how bad you want it,” said Even, still pressing him against the counter.

“I want you inside me so bad. Fuck. I’ll do anything, please. Need you to fuck me so bad.”

Even’s mouth gaped.

“What?”

“You kill me when you go all filthy on me. Oh my god. I can’t handle it.”

.

“Yo guys, I’m glad you’re fucking again cause I’m sick of all this scandinavian angst in the place. But could you guys stop moaning. God dammit. You’ve been fucking for 2 fucking hours. I’m having friends over in 10 minutes,” said Emmanuel on the other side of the door.

.

“Don’t stop, Even. Please.”

“Shit, Isak. Emmanuel’s gonna kill us.”

“I don’t give a shit. I’m leaving in 2 months. Just think of all the times you’re gonna want to fuck me but won’t be able to, huh?”

“Isak, you’re killing me!”

.

.

Isak had the best two months of his life. They did everything together. They went to all the museums, all the rap concerts, all the weird art exhibitions. They went sober-clubbing and nearly had sex on the dance floor. They went ice-skating in central park. They did all the cheesy tourist attractions and kissed on top of the empire state building. They froze on the ferry between williamsburg and dumbo. They had sex everywhere in their apartment, even in Emmanuel’s bedroom. They went to Momofuku milk bar and froze outside on the bench. “Even, why the fuck are we sitting here? I’m freezing!”

“Because it’s cute!”

They laughed and smiled and cried and fought over the most stupid things. They talked about their feelings and their families and their fears and their insecurities. They talked about their hopes and dreams and aspirations, and slept naked on the floor. They booked a five-star hotel through Priceline for less than $100, and Isak moaned as loud as he wanted while pulling Even’s hair as he thrusted into him for hours. They held each other in the dead of the night and made stupid, stupid promises to one another.

“I will love you until I die,” said Even, looking into his eyes, playing with his hair.

“That’s very cheesy.”

“We’ll be together for all eternity.”

“Oh my god, stop.”

“Your turn,” said Even.

“I’m not saying cheesy shit, what the hell.”

“Isak.”

“Fine,” Isak cleared his throat. “I’ll touch myself everyday thinking of you.”

Even shoved him. “You’re unbelievable! I hate you!”

Isak laughed then kissed him again. “I always find you. In every universe. It’s always you and me.”

Even’s eyes widened. “What?”

“You know, parallel universes and stuff. We always have each other.”

“That’s very cheesy, Isak,” said Even.

“Yeah, but it’s fascinating, don’t you think? All the infinite possibilities. I don’t know. I feel like we were supposed to meet in high school or in uni, but you changed your mind about going to Nissen or I transferred departments in UiO so we didn’t. But somehow, we still met, here! In New York of all places. Isn’t it weird?”

“Wow.”

“What?” Isak moved a strand of hair out of his eyes.

“Isak, you know I was obsessed with this for a while.”

“Hm?”

“Us, meeting. Like how we met. I literally couldn’t believe it,” said Even.

“What do you mean?”

“The odds of us meeting that night. It never made sense to me. For the longest time, I always thought you can direct your own life, you know. Like life is a movie and you have control. But when I met you that night, it fucked with my head. I felt like something or someone shifted my orbit and I ended up there.”

“That’s very cheesy, Even. But yeah. I don’t know. I really think that there’s always an Isak and an Even lying in bed like this.”

Even propped himself on one elbow and brought his other hand to Isak’s face, kissing him.

“I love you. We’ll make it. If anyone can pull off long distance, it’s us,” said Even. “We can do anything.”

“The fucking part will be complicated,” Isak teased, but his voice came out strained and small and there were tears in his eyes.

“Don’t cry, please,” Even pleaded.

“Shit, I don’t want to leave. Even, I’m just. How am I supposed to get on a plane tomorrow? I’m gonna fucking die.”

“Hey, hey. That’s tomorrow, okay? It’s barely 22:00. Remember our game? **Isak and Even** : Minute by Minute?”

“Shut up. I’m serious.”

“Me too. Also, I love how we're basically a THING. **Isak and Even**. **Even and Isak**. We're like one entity," said Even.

"Ugh, here we go again," Isak sighed and Even laughed.

"Anyways, no crying tonight, okay? No time for that,” said Even.

“What are we gonna do then? Huh?”

“Play scrabble? What do you think? We’re gonna fuck. We’re gonna fuck all night, Isak.”

Isak laughed and Even beamed.

“You’re unbelievable! Do you go around memorizing everything you say?” said Isak.

“You have to admit it was iconic!”

“Ugh,” Isak shoved him. “But I guess you’re right.”

“Hm?”

“You know. When you said that I’m leaving tomorrow. That’s tomorrow and life..” Isak paused.

“Life, what?”

“ **Life is now.** ”

* * *

**Oslo, Norway - March**

**Unknown Number**

20:23

That’s not very nice Isak

?

Who’s this

Come outside

Wtf

Baby im trying to be romantic but im fucking freezing

Can you open the door

OMGGGGG

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to be up in 5 hours so I'm keeping these end notes short, and will edit them when I wake up.  
> Thank you for your incredible support, comments, and kind kind words <3\. I check ao3 comments every day/hour and I always jump when I see a new one jfejfekkjfehj. ily guys <3  
> .  
> Next chapter is the last :'(. Drop me prompts and predictions :O if you feel like it.  
> Chapter note: I think that just like we had no idea what was going on with Even at the beginning of the show, we don't really know about everyone else. POV is so POWERFUL. This has been my plan all along, but when I decided to do an Even chapter, I started toying with the idea of POV, Even misunderstanding, and then everyone assuming Isak is just leaving when so much stuff is happening on the other side.  
> Leave me a comment if you want to chat <3  
> I love angst, I love cheese, so why not combine them :3.  
> .  
> This AU ends next chapter, so what do you want me to write next :O. Leave me wishes and prompts <333 brighten my stressful 11-hour workdays!!! LOVE YOU GUYS <3


	13. baby boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ALT ER LOVE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 5am over here so please forgive any mistakes. Took me forever to write this because I didn't want to let go ;_____; It's almost 9K. Hope you like it <3  
> Surprise: Even's POV.  
> Surprise 2: there's flash-forwards in italics. They're all from the same time period/night.

**_1. **Oslo, Norway - July 13th**_ **

_Isak was clenching his jaw and staring right into Even. Magnus was talking to him about something, but Isak was still looking right through Even, not even pretending to pay attention._

Shit, I fucked up. He’s so mad. I fucked up.

_“Isak looks like he wants to murder you,” said Jonas._

_“I fucked up,” Even sighed._

_“You don’t say! I don’t think I’ve ever seen Isak look this riled up. Like he’s usually quiet about it. Looks like he wants everyone to know he’s angry at you right now.”_

_“Jonas, trust me I know! I can see that.”_

_“Have you tried talking to him?” said Jonas._

_“No. I’m waiting until people start leaving. Don’t want to cause a scene on Vilde’s birthday.”_

_“You guys are so annoying.”_

_“Thanks,” Even offered him a smile._

_“Can I borrow your polaroid camera?” said Jonas._

_“You can literally have it.”_

* * *

**JFK Airport: Terminal 1, Queens - December 20th**

Even stood in front of the TSA security lines, hands in the pockets of his puffer jacket and one of Isak’s baseball caps sitting on top of his head. He had been smiling and waving in Isak’s direction for the past five minutes. Isak was almost at the passport checkpoint, almost. He kept looking back at Even, waving and smiling with teary eyes.

_Fuck. Just go, Isak. Just go._

There was only one person left in front of Isak. That was it. He was leaving. He was going to be out of his sight.

_Fuck. Don’t go. Don’t go, please._

Even was trying his best to keep smiling. They had barely slept all night. He was tired, and emotional, and sick of pretending that everything was fine. It wasn’t fine. He had spent almost eight months with Isak. He didn’t know how he would survive without him. His thoughts were in a jumble.

_I just want to touch him one last time. Fuck. Can I go get him? Shit I don’t have a boarding pass. Can I just run past security? Shit what if he ends up missing his flight because of me. Fuck fucking shit stop thinking like this. Stop making this harder for him._

He had to stay still. He had to wave Isak goodbye and be strong for him. Isak was his anchor. Isak made waking up in the morning worth it again. He had to be strong for him. He had to.

Even was so deep in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice Isak running through the security lines towards him.

_Wha-_

Before he could even register it, Isak had knocked the air out of his lungs and wrapped him in a hug so tight that he almost lost his balance.

“Isak..”

“I don’t want to go. Even, please. Please!” Isak was a mess, gripping his shoulder blades and crushing their bodies together.

Even pulled back from the hug and cupped Isak’s teary face.

“You’re going to miss your flight! You have to go! Okay? Isak, do it for me. Please? I’ll see you soon. I promise,” said Even.

Isak reached out and ran his hands across Even’s face.

“Even, you’re crying,” said Isak. “How do you expect me to go if you’re crying? Even, you never cry!”

“Shit!” Even held Isak’s hands and closed his eyes. “Isak, I’d do anything for one more day. But I have to let you go. I’ll never forgive myself if you miss your flight. Please go. Please?”

They held each other for a few more minutes until their breathing slowed down.

“Okay,” Isak whispered.

“Okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll see you soon.”

“Yes, you will. I promise,” said Even, knotting his fingers in Isak’s hair and pressing their foreheads together, their lips one breath apart.

“Kiss me. Even, kiss me.”

So Even did. He kissed him like it was the last time he would ever get to kiss him. He kissed him as if the universe was about to be obliterated. He kissed him like he was air and his lungs were burning. It was desperate and all tears and tongue, and Isak all but melted in his arms, tugging and clutching and holding on for dear life.

“I love you. Don’t ever forget that,” said Even. “No matter what happens. I love you.”

.

Isak made his flight and Even took the AirTrain then the subway back to Brooklyn. He felt empty and hollow. Emmanuel and Sophie weren’t home, so Even sat on the floor in the living room and spread his limbs.

_What the fuck do I do now._

.

The first couple of days were the worst. Even couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, and barely left his bed.

“Are you feeling down? Should we call Dr. Manevitz?” Sophie asked as she poked her head into Even’s bedroom.

“No! I mean, yes, of course I’m down. The love of my life just moved across the globe. I’m allowed to fucking gloat without being full-on depressed!” Even all but yelled.

“Uh, shit yeah. Damn, you’re too much. I was just checking. Also, the “love of your life” texted me to see why you’re not answering him on Skype. Don’t be a dick. I’m sure he’s feeling worse.”

_Shit. Skype!_

Even never used Skype so he forgot he had to actually open the application on his laptop.

.

Isak looked tired and soft and beautiful. Even was frustrated at the low quality of their video call.

“I miss you! How’s Oslo?”

“It’s so fucking boring! Even, what the fuck. I want to come back!” said Isak.

Even laughed.

“You’ve been there for what? Less than 48 hours?”

“I don’t care. It’s shit. And I’m staying at Jonas’ until I find a place. He got himself some new girl, so I feel like a third wheel. Throwback to my first year at Nissen,” he sighed.

“Oh when you destroyed his relationship with Eva?” Even teased.

“Ugh, fuck you. I knew I shouldn’t have told you about that.”

Even bursted out laughing and Isak joined him.

“Anyways, when are you going to your parents?” said Even.

“Uh, I’m going to my mom’s house on Christmas Eve. My dad will be there, too. Fuck, I don’t want to go.”

“It’s gonna be okay.”

“Like I don’t even know what we’re gonna talk about? It’s gonna be so awkward.”

“Baby, just talk about me,” said Even. “Tell them about my killer cooking skills.”

“Even, you do realize that my mom thinks the world is ending and that only Jesus Christ can save us, right? I don’t think she’ll be excited hearing about how good my boyfriend pounds me every night.”

Even could hear Jonas choke in the background.

“Bro, too much information,” said Jonas.

“Shit, I didn’t know you were here,” said Isak.

“Isak, oh my god. I was literally talking about my cooking skills. It wasn’t some sex analogy!” Even laughed until the crippling sadness left his chest.

Isak was now moving.

“What are you doing?” Even asked.

“Going somewhere more private. Hang on.”

Isak closed a door behind him and seemed to be sitting on someone’s bed.

“Before you say anything. This is Jonas’ roommate’s crib. He’s away for the holidays so I sleep here these days.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything,” said Even.

“Whatever. I miss your bed. How are you holding up without me?”

“Uh. I’m okay. I miss having you in my bed. I miss touching you,” said Even.

“Ugh. Shit. This is happening.”

Even watched Isak put the laptop down and pull his shirt over his head. He didn’t understand what was going on until Isak walked away to lock the door, then started pulling down his sweatpants.

“Isak, what are you doing?”

“Babe, get naked for me. I think it’s time for us to have skype sex. I heard it’s great!” said Isak.

“Isak!” Even’s mouth was gaping, and he suddenly sat up on his bed.

“Don’t _Isak_ me right now. Just do it. I’m so fucking horny. Jonas and this girl fucked all night long yesterday, geez!”

“Well, we used to do that, too. So.”

“Even!”

“Okay, okay!”

It was all too exciting. When they got naked in front of their screens, they both bursted out laughing.

“This is so fucking weird,” said Isak.

“Shit. How do you look like that even on camera? So fucking perfect,” said Even.

He couldn’t see it, but he knew that Isak was blushing.

“Don’t say shit like this, Even. I’m trying to make this sexy.”

Even could see how embarrassed the younger boy was. But he knew that Isak let go and stopped caring whenever he got too flustered and full of lust. So he decided to push his buttons.

“Touch yourself for me,” said Even. “I want to see.”

“Shit. Okay.”

Isak’s breathing was growing ragged.

“Yeah, you like that, baby?”

“Y-yeah. Keep going. Talk dirty to me,” said Isak.

“Move the camera down. I want to see. I want to see you make a mess for me.”

“Yes, yes. I want to see you, too. Show me. Even, show me!”

“Do you miss me?” said Even. “Do you miss me eating you out on Sundays?”

“Oh my god! It wasn’t just Sundays!”

“Yes, it was, baby,” said Even.

“What the fuck. Why Sundays?”

“The day of Worship. The day of the lord!” said Even.

“Why are you like this?!” Isak laughed and Even reveled in it.

His laugh was his favorite thing in the world.

“Your laugh is my favorite thing in the world,” he said.

“Jesus, Even. Here we go with the cheese! Are you gonna make me come or what?”

At least Isak was no longer nervous.

.

“Sometimes, I can still feel you inside me,” said Isak, his chest heaving and his face sweaty and shining through the camera.

Even touched his computer screen like a lovesick fool.

_I don’t know how to exist without you._

* * *

**_2. **Oslo, Norway - July 13th**_ **

_“Isak, can we talk?” said Even._

_“Not in the mood right now.”_

_“Isak, I’m sorry. How many more times do I have to apologize?”_

_“Okay, I’m gonna go,” said Magnus very awkwardly before exiting the kitchen._

_“Even, you made me look like a complete fucking idiot! You always do this shit! It was humiliating. Just let it go.”_

_“I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking! I just. I didn’t think it would get this far. I’m sorry.”_

_“Listen, Even. I can’t do this right now. I need to calm down and make sure my roommate doesn’t die tonight.”_

_“Can we talk later? I miss you,” said Even._

_“Yeah right. Whatever. Meet me upstairs in an hour or so.”_

* * *

**Williamsburg, Brooklyn - Christmas**

On Christmas, Even called his mother.

“Hi, Mamma. Uh, it’s Even. Merry Christmas!”

She cried.

.

“We miss you so much, son. Please come home.”

“Mamma, I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry for what I made you go through. I will pay you back I promise.”

“Even, you don’t need to pay us. You’re my son. I just want you to be okay. How are you?” she asked.

“I’m great, mamma. I’m very happy. I have a boyfriend. His name is Isak. You would love him!”

“That’s great, Even. We would love to meet him.”

.

Even’s heart always clenched when he thought of his mother. She was so kind and patient. When he was diagnosed bipolar, she cried for days and blamed herself for some reason.

“It’s not your fault! It’s nobody’s fault!” said his dad.

“He will live his entire life in agony. Why him? Why my son?!”

Even couldn’t help but resent his parents for walking around him like he was going to break, for thinking that being manic depressive was a death sentence, because he started thinking that way, too. They were so nice and supportive that it killed him. They looked at him with big concerned eyes all the time. He felt like a pet. He felt like they were obligated to stick by him, not because they loved him but because he was so pitiful.

“I’m not some fucking plant you have to water every day! I’m a fucking human being! I just broke your favorite vase and you’re not even fucking yelling at me! Why aren’t you yelling at me, mom? Fucking yell at me! Get angry with me! I just want to be treated like every goddamn teenager in the world! Fuck this! Fuck all of you!”

Even stormed off that night and ended up naked in some police station. He would never forget the terrified look in his mother’s eyes.

_I did this. I did this to her._

Even moved out and stopped talking to his parents after high school. He broke up with Sonja and cut ties with every single person he knew.

_All I do is hurt people. I’m better off alone. Everybody’s alone anyways._

_._

When Even first got to New York, he talked to his mom occasionally. She would send him some weird posts on whatsapp, and he’d laugh and reply often. But never initiated any of the contact.

He got in trouble with some rich Upper East Side kids five or six months after moving in. He was manic for a few weeks and burned through the coke he was supposed to sell for them. He had to come up with twenty thousand dollars or they would report him to the police.

After a few days, two guys cornered him in a dark alley and verbally threatened him. He was terrified and hysterical so he called his mother.

“I’m in trouble, mom. Please. I need money. I don’t know what to do!”

When she found out that the 20 thousand dollars they gathered for him were for cocaine, she had a breakdown over the phone and let her anger take over. She didn’t mean any of it. Even knew it. He did. But it still hurt.

_“Do you have any idea how much you hurt us by doing this? Why do you hate us and yourself so much, Even? Why don’t you love yourself? Do you have any idea how hard being your mom is sometimes?!”_

_“Well, I never asked to be fucking born, mom! I’m sorry that me being alive is so fucking hard on you! I try to kill myself every few weeks if that’s any consolation!”_

Even hung up and sank to the floor. Sophie held him as he fought back tears. He never spoke to her again or to any of his other family members after that phone call. But she still sent him money every month. He always sent it back, but she wouldn’t give up. Eventually, he left it alone in a separate account which he would burn through whenever he was manic.

_Fuck this. Just fuck._

.

Even skyped with his mother the next day and she cried the moment she saw his face.

“You’re so grown. You look so handsome, my beautiful son!”

“You look gorgeous, mamma. I miss you.”

She dried her tears, then they caught up on random world events.

“So tell me about this Isak.”

“He’s the best human being I’ve ever met. He makes me want to be a better person. He’s amazing! You would really love him. He’s the reason I don’t miss a day of my meds. I don’t know how to explain it. He’s like my soulmate!”

Even rambled about Isak for twenty minutes, and she just stared at the screen smiling the entire time.

“He’s so far away from me right now. I feel so sad. But I can’t tell him that. He worries so much about me. I want to be able to take care of myself without him. I don’t want to depend on him too much and become a burden. I want to be worthy of him you know.”

“You were never a burden to us, Even. I hope you know that. I never thought of it like that. And I’m sure Isak doesn’t either,” she said.

Even felt himself choke up.

“Uh, yeah. I know. Uh, I’ll be home soon though, so,” he said, not failing to see her expression at the word _‘home’._

“I can’t wait. I would love to have Isak over if it’s not too weird for him. I just want to be close to someone who is close to you,” she said.

Even teared up and apologized again for the twenty sixth time.

He felt like a kid. He felt like a kid telling his mom about his school crush. He allowed himself to be sheepish and ridiculous and fond. He missed it so much.

* * *

**_3. **Oslo, Norway - July 13th**_ **

_“Hey mom. What’s up? Why are you calling so late?” said Even on the phone._

_“Even? Is everything okay?”_

_“Yeah why? I’m at a friend’s birthday party.”_

_“Oh okay. You know your father is on the facebook website and he just told me he saw something this morning. I’m not sure. But I just thought I would check if you’re okay,” she said._

_“Oh my god! Oh my god. Did you see it, too? Isak’s going to fucking kill me!” said Even._

_“Language!”_

_“Sorry. Ugh, Mom, I have to go. I really messed up. Bye. I’ll call you tomorrow. I’m not manic. I’m just dumb.”_

_“I thought it was very cute by the way,” she said._

_“Oh my god, mom!”_

_"Just talk to him."_

 

* * *

**Brooklyn Heights Promenade, Brooklyn - December 29th**

For the longest days, Even only had a single all too consuming thought in the back of his mind: he wasn’t spending New Year’s Eve with Isak.

“That’s stupid. It’s just another night. Why do you care so much?” said Isak on the phone.

“It’s not stupid! You know they say the person you think about at midnight on new year’s is the person you’ll have in mind all year long.”

“That’s dumb. I definitely didn’t think of you last new year’s eve since I didn’t even know you. But you’re the only person I thought about all year,” said Isak.

“Can you not go smart on me and just let me be romantic?”

“Not possible,” Isak laughed.

“Gosh, I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.”

“I miss you, too. I want to jump on the next flight to New York,” said Isak.

“And I want to jump on the next flight to Oslo.”

“We could meet halfway?

“Yeah, let’s meet in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean,” said Even.

“What about Reykjavik? It’s only 6 hours away from you and 3 from me.”

“Isak, I might as well continue to Oslo then.”

“Ugh, whatever.”

Even laughed.

“By the way, I talked to my mother and she wants to see you,” he said.

“What?”

“Yeah you don’t have to. I know it’s weird, but she wants to meet you.”

“No, I mean. You talked to your mother. Wow, Even. I’m so proud of you,” said Isak.

Even’s heart did a thing.

“Uh. Thank you?” said Even, a bit flustered. “Uh, what happened with your mom?”

“Uhm. I told her about me, about us. She took it well. I told you already.”

“Yeah, I’m proud of you, too. But I mean are you going to be seeing her from now on?”

“I don’t know.” Isak sighed. “Why are we so fucked up?”

“I don’t know. But I don’t care. As long as it’s us.”

“Ugh, here we go again. Do you have to make everything so damn cheesy,” said Isak.

.

On New Year’s, Even took a walk around the Lower East Side at 4 in the afternoon with his headphones, listened to ‘Ólafur Arnalds - Doria’, and felt himself choke up.

_I miss you so much, so much._

He felt like he was in the middle of a music video. He could picture all the angles in his head. He was the director and the music was the soundtrack of his life. He was walking in the cold winter, the sun was setting, his face was probably bright red, and his lips and cheeks numb. He walked and tried to match the pace and rhythm with his strides. He felt hopeful. He felt larger than life. He felt lonely but not alone, never alone.

_As long as I have you in my heart._

* * *

**Baby <333333**

16:41

Are you home?

I’m calling you in an hour on skype!

You better get home before 18:00

Im not joking!

Why arent u replying?

You better be running home right now

I’m running to the subway station!!!!

Haha <3

Arent u partying with the boys???

It’s 22:47 here! I’m leaving soon.

This is boring

Go home

Im going!!!

* * *

Even ran to his apartment, got to his room at 17:23, and texted Isak that he made it.

When he picked up the Skype video call, Isak was in an unfamiliar room.

“Where are you? Why are there candles behind you?” he asked.

“Ugh. This is Eskild’s room. I begged him to let me have it,” said Isak.

“What? Why?”  
“This is me trying to be romantic,” said Isak. “Now go get some of those two hundred candles you bought for Sophie and light some of them in your room.”

“What the fuck, Isak?” Even was smiling.

“Ugh, just do it! It’s almost midnight here!”

Even ran to Sophie’s room and stole some candles.

“Even! Just a few, not twenty. Don’t light the place on fire.”

“Okay, okay.”

By the time he was done, it was 17:46 and 23:46 in Norway.

“Shit. I was going to call you before midnight, and I didn’t even think you’d pick up. Who are you?” Even teased.

“I’m your boyfriend who misses you very much and who knows how much you care about this crap.”

“You’re so cute. So what do we do now?”

“Now we spend New Year’s together! I just sent you a link to this thing. It shows all the New Year’s celebrations across the world. We’re tuning in from Norway to the US! We’ll have 6 countdowns. How about that? Are you impressed?” Isak was beaming in his screen.

“Oh my god, Isak! I think you out-cheesed me. This is incredible!”

“If you tell anyone about this, I’m breaking up with you!” said Isak.

“Don’t joke about that!”

.

10 9 8 7 6 5

“Isak, close your eyes.”

“Okay.”

4 3 2 1 !

“Happy New Year, baby.”

“Happy New Year, Even.”

“So you’re like in the future! Wow how does it feel?”

“You’re so lame!”

.

They talked for nearly six hours, watched the livestreams, shared weird youtube videos and discussed their favorite tv shows. And around 22:00/4:00, Isak fell asleep.

Even watched him through the computer screen, and hoped Isak’s computer was plugged into an outlet and that it wouldn’t get cut off.

He watched him sleep, pulled out his notebook, and wrote about him, about them.

Around 5:30, Isak’s phone started ringing and he woke up.

“Shit. I fell asleep? Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Are you kidding me? I missed watching you sleep,” said Even. “Also who’s calling you at 5:30? Rude!”

“It’s an alarm, in case I passed out,” said Isak. “Don’t want to miss the New York ball drop.”

“Honestly, who’s the cheesy one, now? I can’t believe you!”

Even went to bed after the New York countdown with a heart so full, he couldn’t believe he had managed to turn Isak into a giant ball of cheese.

* * *

**4. **Oslo, Norway - July 13th****

 

_“Okay, so you know I love you man and like I’m your number one fan, but what the hell were you thinking?” said Magnus._

_“Shit, you saw it?” said Even._

_“Bro, everybody saw it.”_

_“I deleted it like 5 minutes later.”_

_“Even.”_

_“Okay, maybe after 10 minutes after I got Vilde’s text, but still.”_

_“Bro. Isak’s fucking furious. It’s fucking hilarious,” said Magnus. “It was really embarrassing, even for you, bro.”_

_“Mags. Seriously. You got a drunken tattoo of a kitten on your lower back.”_

_“Okay, that’s not fucking fair, Even! I’m rooting for you, remember? Why would you bring that up? Besides Markus got the same tattoo! Why don’t you give him shit about it!?”_

_“Mags, Markus is in Germany. And I do give him shit about it. I can’t believe you guys went out and got matching tattoos the day you fucking met,” Even laughed for the first time since the morning._

_“Whatever! You don’t get it! I feel like we’re long lost twins or some shit,” said Magnus._

_“Anyways, this is fun. But I have to fix the mess I made,” said Even, getting up from the sofa._

_“Good luck! Isak’s pretty fucking mad. If I were you I’d wait it out.”_

_“I’ve waited it out long enough. Don’t you think? I miss him so much I feel like I’m going to die.”_

_“Jesus, you’re so corny and gross. I’m getting goosebumps,” said Magnus._

* * *

**SoHo, Manhattan - January**

Even started working in January and it kept him busy. He had honestly expected to do more than just fetch coffee and run errands, but at least he got to see some of the magic behind the scenes and he got paid well. It was very busy and his ‘charming personality’ as Isak called it, worked very well for him. In less than two weeks, everyone knew who he was, and he was everyone’s favorite intern at the office.

Marcia was one of the production assistants, and she grew fond of him very quickly. She started personally requesting him to get some of the important samples from across town. Even started working crazy hours before he knew it. He got invited to the pre-parties and the after-parties, and Penelope, the administrative assistant surprised him with a deck of business cards one cold day in February right after Valentine’s day.

“Oh my god! Company business cards?” he said, beaming.

“Even, so many people ask for your contact information at parties nowadays. It’s the least we could do!”

“Thank you so much!”

“Just keep up the good work.”

.

“Isak, I think I’m fucking up. I think I’m slipping.”

“What’s wrong?” said Isak.

“I can’t sleep. I have too much energy. I work too much. I fantasize about you all day. Emmanuel just blocked my cards because he saw me try to book a plane to Oslo. I feel fucking amazing. I don’t know what to do.”

“Shit baby. Have you tried calling Dr. Manevitz? Do you want me to shoot her an e-mail?”

“Isak, I’m sorry.”

“Stop! It’s not your fault. It’s not pure mania if you can tell some of the symptoms. Are you sure? Have you been keeping a journal?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, that’s good. It’s not too late. Let’s just talk to your Doctor, okay? You can do this. You are still in control. You’re strong! You’re so strong.”

“Isak, I think they’ll fire me when they find out.”

“They won’t fire you! They love you!”

“They don’t know I’m crazy. They love me because I’ve been here for almost two months and I’m working like a dog!”

“Even, you’re not crazy! You’re bipolar. And if they can’t handle that, they can go fuck themselves. Pretty sure you can even sue for that type of stuff.”

“Isak..”

“Okay, okay. But seriously we’re almost in March. You should tell them that it’s too much for you! Hell I’ll even send the stupid e-mail.”

“Isak..”

“Ugh fine. I’m calling your Doctor though.”

.

Dr. Manevitz continued to be his second favorite person in the world. His mother would probably be offended by that. Alright, maybe she was third.

“Can I hug you?” he asked her.

“Yes, Even. You can hug me.”

“I will miss you very much,” said Even.

“Take care of yourself. Okay? You can call me anytime.”

* * *

**Baby <333333**

05:35

I don’t want to be without you anymore

Being apart from you makes no sense

Please forgive me

<3

.

**Baby <333333**

07:03

Even where are you????

I just got out of class & read your messages wtf

Im callin emmanuel but he’s not pickin up

Are you okay???

It’s like 7 in the morning over there??

I just need to know you’re okay. Please!

Just call or text if you see this

I love you

Please be safe

12:15

Even. no matter what’s going on

Please know that you can talk to me

please

14:53

I dont know when you’ll read this. But please don’t shut me out after all of this <3

I’ll be here waiting

I’d give anything to be over there with you

Im sorry i left

Im so fucking sorry

Please be okay

18:28

<33333

EVEN!

OH MY GOD Are you okay???

Yes

Im sorry

I put my phone on airplane mode

Didnt have wifi either

Wtf why did you do that?

Shit i was so fucking scared

Im fine

Im not in the middle of an episode

Im sorry i scared you

Im sorry

Isak??

Shit it’s ok it’s ok

I’m fine

Wow i was so scared shit

im going to fucking kill you

I love you

 

Ughh

Im so angry

Airplane mode wtf?

.

**Jonas Noah Vasquez**

19:03

Hey jonas!

I need a favor

Could you send me Isak’s norwegian number

Also where he lives?

Like where he is right now

And not tell him

Takk

Uhhh??

What’s going on?

Are you okay man?

Isak was having a breakdown all day over you

Are you okay? Should i call someone

Omg im fine! Lol

He’s so cute

I promise. Just had my phone on airplane mode

Airplane mode? Why?

I’m gonna need a bit more info than that

* * *

When Even reached Isak’s apartment, his heart was pounding in his chest. _Oh my god. Oh my god._

He stood at the door and thought about how he would react. Isak would probably be ecstatic for a good minute before yelling at him and assuming he was manic. He smiled to himself, and when he heard Isak yell on the other side of the door, his heart made a few leaps.

_Awwww._

“No, dad! He’s fine! He just had his phone on airplane mode! No! Jesus! I know what I said! I just freaked out okay? I never should have called you! I’m so dumb. Anyways, thanks dad! Gonna hang up now. Bye!” Isak seemed to have hung. “He’s so fucking annoying! What the fuck was I thinking calling him?”

Isak seemed to be talking to himself. Even pulled out his phone.

* * *

**Unknown Number**

20:23

That’s not very nice Isak

?

Who’s this

Come outside

Wtf

Baby im trying to be romantic but im fucking freezing

Can you open the door

OMGGGGG

* * *

“What the fuck, Even?!” Isak all but yelled before he even opened the door.

Even dropped his bag, opened his arms wide and big, and planted his feet on the ground firmly enough to catch Isak’s lunging body.

“What the fuck is this? Am I dreaming? How are you here? Holy shit, kiss me.”

Isak kissed him first, so Even cupped his face and kissed him back.

It felt like their first kiss all over again. There were butterflies in his stomach and his head was spinning. Isak’s hands were in his hair, and he never wanted to pull away. Isak was everything. He was everything. So he pulled him closer and licked into mouth and held his bottom lip between his own, panting and touching and tugging.

_I only have a minute before he starts hitting me._

They kissed until they could no longer breathe, Isak’s back firmly pressed against the door outside his apartment.

“Shit. What the fuck, Even. Just what the fuck,” Isak was panting, tears in his eyes, his hands still roaming his face.

“I missed you, too much. I’m sorry I scared you. I just.”

“Even, are you perhaps manic?”

“No! I mean yes this was extremely impulsive, but I’m fine! I just. I had to come see you.”

The yelling started not too long after that.

Even told him that he quit his job because they couldn’t understand that he needed to stick to a sleeping schedule and not entertain their clients until sunrise. He told him that as much as he loved the job and the industry, he chose himself.

“I’m choosing myself, Isak. There’s no reason for me to self-destruct and hurt everyone who cares about me in the process. I’ll get there. I will. I will make my dreams come true. I will make all that money and pay back my parents. But I will while sleeping seven hours a night, not three. Yes, I’m bipolar. And it sucks most of the time, but I’m okay with it now. I don’t hate myself. I no longer do. I don’t want to hide that part of me anymore and do weird shit like run across town at 3 in the morning to deliver some last minute shit. I deserve a chance at a good life. I deserve a chance. We deserve a chance. I deserve to love life and to love you. I deserve it.”

Isak looked at him with so much awe in his eyes that Even couldn’t help but feel flustered.

“What?”

“I’m so proud of you, Even. You have no idea.” Isak pulled him into his arms and hugged him. “Of course you deserve everything, baby. You deserve the whole fucking universe. I love you so much.”

“Shit, you’re going to make me cry,” said Even. “I don’t cry.”

They were hugging in Isak’s bed when someone knocked on the door. She had the highest pitched voice Even had heard in a while.

“Hei! I hope this isn’t rude! But I wanted to say hi,” she then paused. “Oh my god, you’re so handsome!”

“For fuck’s sake, Vilde! Can’t you see we’re fucking busy!”

“Isak, you don’t have to be so rude! I just want to meet the guy you’ve been crying over for the last three months.”

“I wasn’t fucking crying!”

Even looked between them, amused. He had missed hearing full conversations in Norwegian, and of course how grumpy Isak could get. He sat up then walked towards her.

“Hi, I’m Even. Nice to meet you.”

“Oh my god! You’re so tall! Wow. Hi, I’m Vilde. I’m Isak’s roommate.”

“It’s temporary! I couldn’t find anywhere else to live because I came here last minute and no one else can stand Vilde, so,” said Isak.

“You’re so rude, Isak. Seriously. All I do is be nice to you!” said Vilde.

“Please forgive him. I promise he’ll be nicer in the morning,” said Even.

“Even!” Isak threw one of his pillows at him and his face flushed.

“Oh my god! Was that a sex joke? You mean like he needs dick? This is so great! I have to text Eva!” said Vilde.

“Vilde! Can you leave? I haven’t seen my boyfriend in three fucking months!”

.

“So what’s the plan?”

“I’m staying for a few weeks then going back to find someone to take over my lease. After that, I guess I’m moving back here and looking for a job in Oslo.”

“But what about New York?”

“I don’t need New York when I have you,” said Even.

“That’s so fucking cheesy.”

“You love it.”

“We can figure it out after I graduate,” said Isak.

* * *

**_5. **Oslo, Norway - July 13th**_ **

_Isak was leaning on the kitchen counter talking to Eva when Even found him and dragged him away by the wrist._

_“You’re manhandling me now?” said Isak._

_“Shit, no, what the fuck Isak? Let’s go upstairs.”_

_“Why?”_

_“You said to find you in an hour and go upstairs,” said Even._

_When they got to Isak’s room, Even suddenly ran out of words._

_“Shit, I’m sorry. I know you trusted me. And I messed up. I mean, it just seemed like such a brilliant idea at the time. I don’t even remember when I did it. Like it was probably back when I changed my meds last month because of my new doctor. I don’t even know.”_

_“Even,” Isak sighed._

_“Isak, I’m very sorry. Please just get angry at me. Don’t ignore me. You know how much it hurts me when you ignore me,” said Even._

_“Even, seriously. What about me? I’m hurt, too! This is my way of dealing with being hurt. You know that!”_

_“Just,” Even gently pressed him against the wall and placed two hands on his hips. “Just yell at me. Just tell me that you hate me.”_

_He could feel Isak melting under his touch._

_“I don’t want you keeping everything,” Even pushed a leg between Isak’s and breathed in his neck. “All bottled up. That tension isn’t good for you.”_

_“Are you seriously trying to get out of this by using sex?” said Isak, his breaths shallow and ragged._

_“I don’t know, is it working?” Even squeezed his sides, making Isak instantly part his lips. Even smiled._

_“I fucking hate you!” said Isak, pulling Even closer before smashing their lips together._

_It was all tongue and teeth. Isak bit his lower lip so hard, he almost drew blood._

_“Shit, baby. Trying to hurt me?” said Even with a grin._

_“You fucking deserve it.”_

_He pulled him back again into another filthy kiss. Isak moaned against his mouth with absolutely no reserve. It made Even’s head spin with want._

_“Shit, you drive me crazy when you moan like that. Want you so bad.”_

_“Yeah?” Isak kissed him again, bringing a hand down to the front of his jeans. “Show me. Show me how bad you want me.”_

_“Fucking hell, Isak. I thought you were angry. Does this mean you forgive me?” Even’s hands left his waist and cupped his buttocks through his jeans, making him moan even louder._

_“Ugh, no! This is me being very angry, very fucking angry,” Isak kissed him again after leaving bruises along his neck._

_“Need to fuck you so bad.”_

_“Do it, jesus fuck. Just do it.”_

* * *

**Oslo, Norway - May**

It wasn’t easy. After a couple of months, Even couldn’t stand how small Oslo felt sometimes. He hated that everyone spoke the same language everywhere. He missed people playing music in subway stations and in random intersections. He missed strangers wishing him a nice day on his way to work. He missed how big everything was, how he ended up discovering new places every day. He missed the anonymity and not running into people he went to school with.

“You want to go back to New York,” said Isak over breakfast.

“Uh, what are you talking about?”

“Even, I’m not stupid. I miss it, too, you know.”

“You’re not stupid. Of course, I miss New York but I’ll get over it.”

Even went back to his toast.

“You look good in that pink sweater by the way,” said Isak, without looking at him.

“Huh?”

“The sweater. It’s uh. It looks cute on you,” said Isak.

“Oh my god, was that a compliment? I thought you hated this stupid sweater.”

“Well, I hate when you make me wear it. But I like it on you, whatever.”

“Now I want you in this sweater and nothing but this sweater,” said Even.

“In your dreams!”

Isak wore the pink sweater that entire week.

So on Sunday, when he had Isak sprawled on the bed looking completely disheveled and wrecked and coming down from pure bliss, Even couldn’t help it and took a picture of his flushed face with his polaroid camera.

“What are you doing?” Isak panicked.

“You look so beautiful. I had to!”

“Shit you’re so annoying. Burn that picture right now!”

“You’re so dramatic. It hasn’t even dried yet.”

Isak covered himself with the sheets and started shoving Even with his feet.

“I hate you!” he yelled.

“You love me!” said Even, before climbing on top of him and holding him still.

Isak tried to fight him off but he was too entangled in the sheets, so he just started laughing instead.

“Are you going to behave now?” said Even.

“I’m going to fucking kill you if you don’t let go of me right now!”

Even kissed the top of his head and rolled to his side. He grabbed his polaroid, pulled Isak closer to his bare chest, and took a snapshot of them in bed.

“Will you stop doing that?” Isak blushed.

“Give me one good photo and I’ll throw this thing away.”

“Fine, okay.”

Isak threw the sheets away, snuggled closer against Even’s chest, lifted his chin, stared into his eyes, and silently asked for a kiss. Even beamed and took a picture before pressing their lips together.

.

Isak graduated from UiO, and their entire circle threw a huge party at Eva’s house.

Even was getting water for Isak in the kitchen when the younger boy’s arms wrapped around his figure from behind.

“What are you doing?” said Even.

“I don’t know. I’m so drunk, baby!” said Isak against his back.

Even smiled then tried to turn around to assess the situation, but Isak kept his arms tightly wrapped around him.

“I’m sorry I got drunk. I’m sorry you’re only having one beer.”

“Aw, you’re so cute. Why are you sorry about that? Let me look at you.”

“Can we stay like this? I love hugging you like this. I love you.”

Even melted at his words and wrapped his arms around Isak’s, holding onto his elbows.

“You’re so strong and so loved. Everybody loves you. I think my friends like you better than they like me,” Isak chuckled. “I just want you to know that. That you are loved and that you deserve it.”

Even leaned on the kitchen sink and felt a tear roll down his cheek. _What the fuck._

When Isak loosened his hold, Even turned around in his arms and cupped his face.

“Thank you,” he pressed kisses to his face. “Thank you. Thank you for saving me, baby.”

“What? What are you talking about?” Isak hiccuped, and it was cute, so cute.

“You saved me. You made me believe I deserve to be alive and healthy and stuff.”

“You saved me, too. I never thought I could be loved until I met you.”

"That's so cheesy." said Even.

They kissed in the kitchen with Even’s arms around Isak’s waist and Isak’s around his neck, until Markus stumbled into the kitchen.

“You guys are unbelievable! You just keep fucking going at it like you just started seeing each other yesterday! Hilarious! Anyways, Magnus and I are leaving soon to get tattoos, who’s in?”

“You came all the way to Norway to get a tattoo?” said Even.

“Listen, human giraffe, I might have missed you, but don’t hurt me like that.”

* * *

**6. **Oslo, Norway - July 13th****

_“We should have hate sex more often,” said Isak._

_“Hate sex?!” Even scoffed. “What?! I literally just made LOVE to you, Isak. What are you talking about?”_

_“You’re so corny. I can’t stand you,” Isak smiled._

_“Was that a smile? Oh gosh. Did you just smile?!”_

_“Yeah, whatever. I just smiled. You know how giggly I get after some good dick.”_

_Even’s mouth was gaping but his eyes were smiling._

_“Oh my god, who are you? And what have you done to my boyfriend?” said Even._

_“Your boyfriend is still very fucking angry with you right now.”_

_Even smiled and leaned in to kiss him, but Isak shoved him._

_“You’re a real asshole if you think sex will get you out of this,” said Isak before putting on his shirt and storming away._

* * *

**Oslo, Norway - July 13th**

It was Vilde’s birthday and they were celebrating it in her and Isak’s apartment. It was a pretty normal day for the most part. Except that around 11 in the morning, Even received an interesting e-mail from some instagram page alerting him that he had won a free trip to New York City for two.

At first, he ignored the e-mail and moved on to the next. It was probably spam. But then excitement settled in the pit of his stomach and he navigated back to it.  

“Holy shit! Holy shit, I won! Isak, oh my god!”

“Uh, Isak is out to get my birthday cake,” said Vilde. “What’s up?”

“I entered this random instagram contest to win a trip to New York, and I just got an e-mail that I won a trip for two. What the hell?” said Even.

“Are you serious? What? Can I come? Please? It’s my birthday! It’s like a sign,” said Vilde with big round eyes.

“Uh, Vilde. You know I really care about you but I entered this contest for Isak and myself.”

“Ugh, of course. I’m so stupid. Ignore me,” she walked away to her room.

.

Even got an instagram notification from @igxbaexsweepstakes around noon while he was buying balloons. Without thinking, he pressed the Share button and shared it on Facebook.

* * *

 

 

> **Even Bech Næsheim**
> 
> 2 min ago
> 
> HOLY SHIT! STILL CAN’T BELIEVE WE WON <3333333
> 
> * * *
> 
> **Congratulations to @Even_BN on winning the #AfterSexSelfie challenge! A trip for 2 to NYC! Here’s your dose of cuteness for the day! Look how cute his Baby Boy is!!!!!!**
> 
> ****
> 
> **“My Baby Boy & Me #AfterSexSelfie #MyBeautifulBoyfriend”  
>    
>  **

* * *

  **Vilde Hellerud Lien**

12:34

EVEN WTF??

HE’S GOING TO KILL YOUUUU

Omg hahahahahaha

Kfjdkjfsdjklkfdjksdfkfdkjssdflkkfjdkdkld

WHAT

HE HAS HIS ENTIRE FAMILY AND FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK

I THINK HE EVEN HAS YOUR PARENTS

FUCK

SHIT

FUCKING SHIT

.

**Baby <333333**

12:37

EVEN WHAT THE FUCKKKKK

WTFFFFFFFFF IM GONNNAAA KILLL YOUUUUUUU

I DELETED IT SHIT I DIDNT THINK

I FORGET PEOPLE HAVE OTHER PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK

LIKE I JUST HAVE YOU AND A FEW OTHER PPL

IM SORRY

i was OUT OF IT when i entered the sweepstakes! it was like months ago

like i just sent them a DM with the picture

YOU'RE NOT EVEN NAKED IN THAT ONE

IM GOING TO KILLL YOUUUUUUU EVEN

SHIT

* * *

**Now.**

“So? Has he calmed down?” said Vilde.

“Uh, not really,” said Even.

“I just watched you two come down the stairs. You were up there for like an hour.”

“Yeah, we had sex.”

“What?!”

“He called it hate sex though. I was very offended,” said Even.

.

But Isak was no longer glaring at him. He was glowing and smiling and laughing at some joke. So Even stared and smiled. _I love you so much._

He kept staring until Isak met his gaze. And when Isak smiled back, Even’s heart skipped a beat.

_You’re going to be the death of me._

So he walked towards him in big strides. He crossed the house and pushed past people, eyes still locked on Isak’s, Isak who was still smiling.

The younger boy put his drink down just in time for their chests to crash and for their lips to clash. Even’s arms locked around his waist and nearly lifted him off the ground while Isak held his head in his hands, his fingers pressing against his skull.

People started clapping and when they broke apart, Isak laughed against his mouth.

“You’re fucking ridiculous!” he said.

“I’m sorry I leaked some of our amateur porn,” said Even.

“I’m breaking your fucking camera!”

“I gave it to Jonas,” said Even. “Next time I’ll leak our sextape.”

Isak shoved him.

“Wait, you guys made a sextape?!” Magnus was on his feet.

“No!” Isak shouted.

.

“So we’re going to New York?” said Isak, lying in bed.

“Yeah, I mean if you want. We can always give the trip away to someone,” said Even.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Of course we’re going.”

“I kind of miss Emmanuel and Sophie,” said Even.

“I miss the 1 train. And Adrian keeps asking about us.”

“I miss the city.”

“Do you think you’ll move back?” said Isak.

“I’m not going anywhere without you.”

“Fine! Do you think WE’ll move back?”

“I don’t know. Do you?” said Even.

“We don’t have to know now. We’re young. We have all the time in the world. I can go back and get revenge on New York recruiters. I didn’t really want the jobs back then so I guess they could see right through me. And you can make your dreams come true!”

“You can get any job you want. You’re so smart!” said Even.

“Okay, stop.”

“I’m serious. You’ll have a fancy 9 to 6 job in Midtown, and I’ll have something similar in the lower east side or Brooklyn. We’ll live in the Upper East Side and get a puppy. We’ll stay for a few years, then we’ll move back here because we’ll have so much money and because why the fuck not. After that we’ll move to Australia or Japan. We’ll go backpacking in South America when you’re 25. I’ll ask you to marry me when you’re 26, and at first you’ll say no, and it will break my heart. But then you’ll say yes. You’ll say fuck yes, because we’re each other’s family now. We’ll have a grand fucking wedding in Oslo, and you will be grumpy the entire time but you will love it. Your mother will be so happy and your father will walk you down the aisle. We will have the best wedding sex ever. We will fight a lot and you will cry and I will hate myself. I will try to leave you or get you to leave me because I’ll want you to have better, but you won’t let me. Perhaps, we’ll be apart for a little while, but we won’t think of anyone else. We won’t be able to exist without one another. We’re pieces of the same soul after all. We will find each other. We always do. I’ll get insecure about my career and you’ll tell me that it’s okay. I will relapse and it will kill you, but you will be there for me, and I will be there for you. I will love you until we grow old and I lose all my hair. You will contemplate leaving me for a younger guy with hair, but I won’t let you. I will send you dog memes and you will run back to me. You always do. We’ll be the happiest lovesick fools in the universe. In all the universes combined. We’ll face some competition from other ‘Isak and Even’s but we’re definitely in the top 4. What do you think?”

Isak stared at him with wonder in his eyes, with love and wonder and awe.

“I think I’m the luckiest fucker on Earth,” said Isak.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah," Isak leaned in and kissed him. "If being together is inevitably painful, then let's hurt forever after.”

"I like that," said Even. "I like the cheesy sound of it."

"Shut up," Isak rolled his eyes.

"Happily ever after sounds way too boring anyways! Let's hurt forever after."

.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my! You guys! Thank you SO MUCH. I can't believe the response this fic has gotten. I will never get over it wOW I just??????  
> .  
> As you all know, I don't have as much time to write anymore. But I'll be in the tag writing oneshots or 3 chaptered fics. Here's what I'm thinking:  
> \- Hate to Love AU  
> \- Childhood friends AU  
> \- Future fic, post-break up  
> \- Something kind of scifi-ish, either time travel or far in the future (I got so many prompts for this wow <3)  
> .  
> I hope I did Isak and Even justice in this universe. Writing the last chapter is always so challenging because you want your readers to actually make it to the end and not get bored. If you did make it til the end, thank you SO MUCH. thank you thank you thank you <3333333333\. *hugssss* I'm gonna go cRY NOW <333333  
> .  
> EDIT: I'M READING YOUR COMMENTS and some of them are seriously making me cry. You have no idea what it means to me <3 To know that I've made you feel something (anything), brightened up your day, made you smile or cry. Wow no words can explain how I'm feeling right now. I used to be so passionate about storytelling, but ended up choosing a more 'realistic' path/major in life lol. But deep down my heart and soul belong in the creative sphere and in the arts. To be told such wonderful and kind words by people who don't owe me anything at all is so humbling. Thank you so much. This is why I write, to share how I feel and to maybe make the world a slightly better place to be. I truly believe in the power of words.  
> My heart feels so big. Thank you. I love you guys <3\. I will reply to every single comment. I promise.

**Author's Note:**

> Reading and replying to comments is mY FAVORITE THING in the WORLD. It makes me sO HAPPY <333333
> 
> Also come say hi at cuteandtwisted.tumblr.com <33333 Shoot me a message or tell me about your day <3\. Love it.


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